"mental illness" and family estrangement

Hi folks,

I would like to know what experiences people have had with families that don't/won't accept our illness and who force us into denial.

In my own case I had my first panic attack at 17 and have suffered with depression and anxiety/panic disorder all my life. This was completely blanked by my parents, who never allowed me to mention my health in this respect. If I tried to speak about this they just changed the subject, or ignored me. I lived in my own secret hell.

At the age of 33 I finally decided to distance myself from my father, mother and brother, as a last ditch coping strategy.
I didn't visit for 10 years, but I sent regular letters and cards, very polite and chatty, but not personal. I did not open or read any letters from them, I just put them away somewhere.

When my father and mother were ill and died I did my duty, visiting and helping to care for them. I learned a lot about the family at that time, about my father's depression and his behaviour towards my mother. I was very unwell for about 6 years after my father's death, and only just got through it. A therapist told me that I had a large amount of suppressed anger, which he thought was feeding the depression.

I have no contact with my brother. I tried to speak to him at the hospital when my mother was in her last illness, but he ran away. He actually ran away from me in the hospital car park! He had been alright until I mentioned my own anxiety disorder and treatment. It was at the mention of the word 'psychiatrist' that he started running. I chased after him, but he was too quick for me. I didn't see him again after that.

I have a wife and a lovely grown up daughter who both know all about my illness. We are a happy family, with no secrets. We often say that we love each other, and we are always ready to listen.

My problem is that I am still plagued by thoughts of the birth family, and all the sullen, secretive years. I sometimes think that I did very bad thing in getting away from them, but other times I think it saved me. It wasn't until after I had left them, at the age of 33, that I plucked up courage to see a psychiatrist and start accepting that I had a recognised illness and wasn't alone in the world with it.

I would like to hear how other people have coped with this kind of stuff.

Thanks

Myzen

Myzen, don't punish yourself for your having a dysfunctionaly family, it happens to the best of us. My hubby has had panic/anxiety disorder for 35 yrs. and his family (out of fear) has never tried to understand, I myself have bi-polar disorder and DID, my family ostrizied me many yrs. ago, as long as YOU can maintain a happy marriage and parenthood with your child you have survived the past family dysfunction, and must continue forward, let the past go.
Angie

our dad didn't believe in doctors to begin with, so when the school psychologist said i needed a shrink it was not pretty. i did get to go for a few weeks but then my dad said to my mom that it wasn't doing any good but costing him money and i had to quit going. they didn't tell me, the doctor did so i'm glad i never really said anything except "Something is wrong but i don't know what it is." i didn't know then, of course i know now that the abuse from the family caused there to be more than just me around --------we're DID--------- i got away from that family but into another bad one, not my fault, and i never got away in my mind. nona.

Myzen:

I'm so sorry you have to endure all that. Unfortunately, I think its more common than people will sometimes admit...

My grandparents were alot like you describe your parents. Went so far as to tell my schizophrenic aunt she "didn't need those meds" and "if she were strong enough she could "fix" herself" and all sorts of idiotic ideas. I love my grandparents but at that time they were just Ignorant with a capital "I".

Mental Illness is prevalent in our family, it was denial for them. Even though my grandfather had been diagnosed in the early 70's with manic depression, they still acted like they had no clue and all was well. His old-time family doctor told him "He had the ability to control his mania" and maybe that's where all that stuff stemmed from. It's hard to gauge the mind of another.

I know all three of their children (my mother included) are mentally ill. Two of them severely so. My uncle is in a constant state of psychosis, and has a wife that keeps him from going over the edge. I fear the day when something happens though. And my mother is DID, and has major recurrent depression, drug addiction and a whole host of other problems. It's bad.

Sometimes I think it's just that parents feel they're to "blame" and they can't handle that. I think its silly to believe that way, but then again, I'm just rambling

My mother's condition was in part a result of the actions of the one in a constant state of psychosis. My grandparents saw the signs in him (they admit now) but didn't want to do anything about it. So the girls were left with him unsupervised while they worked and they both have issues regarding it. They don't talk about it. They don't want to shoulder some of the blame. And they should..if they knew something was wrong and turned a blind eye to it. They are partly responsible.

Perhaps, since it is being proven that things of this nature run in families, one or both of your parents could've suffered from the same thing and it was just too much to "admit" you had a "problem" because they would have to face the same things within themselves.

I wish I knew how the human mind worked. Then I could get off these meds and be rich. LOL. I have turned this into an "about me" post and I'm sorry. I didn't really know what to say but wanted to comment, to let you know that you're definitely not alone. I am mentally ill. My mother accepts it because she has no choice. Well, parts of her admit it but others pretend nothing is wrong. My dad gets uncomfortable and starts fidgeting so I just stopped talking to him about it.

I'm lucky like you. I have a wonderful husband who is always there to listen and share his love with me no matter what. I also have THREE beautiful rambunctious (sometimes annoying) children and they help keep me grounded. When I'm sad, they always do something goofy to make me laugh. Even when it hurts.

You are very lucky and someone else commented on it. Be proud of yourself, you have broken the cycle of dysfunction. If your child ever comes to you, you'll know what NOT to do and you'll be even more empathetic and have more compassion for her. That's the way I look at it. None of us is immune to these things, but when you've dealt with them most of your life, you are blessed with an undeniable and unbelievable gift called compassion.

Sorry for the rambling.
Please take care.

Kimberly.

Hi -- I come from an emotionally dysfunctional family, and it has left me with scars that are difficult to heal, hopes for loving support that never is there, and tears over the horrible relationship I have with my only brother that had me in tears Friday and much of Saturday. Depression doesn't exist for my family: I am a "drama queen" who needs to "knock it off" etc. My mother told me she doesn't believe I really have lupus. She's in her 80s, I forgive her. But how invalidating is that?

I hope you find a family "of choice" among church friends, al-anon, or other places (like these forums) where we can find the souls who will love, comfort and help us through our lives.

Not coming from a dysfunctional family, only one I was embarassed to be around, I have always wondered about the following:

Just because you are born into a family, it doesn't seem to me that you are required to be around them if they are doing you harm. If you look at them as just other people, would you chose to associate with them as anything more than an acquaintance. I guess I have never understood why it is necessary to be close to people just because they are "family", if you wouldn't choose to be around them if they weren't?

I'm sure I am nieve about this since I am an only child & wasn't that close with my parents. I have grown closer over the years then even closer with my Mom after my Dad died. I am close but still keep some distance so no one knows all that I am going through.

Just curious