People pleaser

People pleaser.....That is me.

It is funny though, you can be a people pleaser and ruin those same peoples lives at the same time. Ironic isn't it???

You work so hard so that other's aren't hurt. You say yes to things because you don't know how to say no. You hope things will work out in the long run, but it never does. You RUIN peoples lives, because you wanted so much for everyone to be happy.

Being a people pleaser, usually means you work really trying hard to anticipate others wants and needs, but being resentful when they can't, or won't see that need in you.

Being a people pleaser has made me what I am today.

You know the type, we never are in a bad mood. We are the people that make you feel happy. Our smiles greet you daily and our quiet musical humming makes you think we are just the happiest most carefree people to walk the earth.

"Don't you ever have a bad day", you ask?? We just chuckle, "Oh sure, don't we all", we answer. Yes, it's probably that chuckle that throws you off, but you just don't believe us. That is okay, because we have stuffed our real emotions, our wants and our needs for so long, that we don't believe in ourselves either.

Yes, we are the people pleasers. The people who anticipate your needs, but can't ask for our own to be met.

But be careful people pleasers.........That inability to say no because you don't want to hurt someone, that inability to tell people what you need, that inability to ask for help for yourself will catch up with you. You will look back and see that for all your hard work, for all those years you thought you were helping people, you only really ruined their lives. Sad, because you ruined your live too.

Yep, I am a people pleaser, and ironically because I am a people pleaser, it is the only thing that is keeping me alive....... AND I HATE BEING ALIVE!

i am very thankful you are alive Danialla, you are very worth something for the gifts you bring in the places you go.. something has disturbed you and shaken your belief in yourself and that happens to a lot of us... we may not feel a true connection with ourself and because of that we begin to doubt our own worthiness, but we are all worthy of love, kindness, affection, attention.. you are not different than we are....

people pleasing is a sort of back alley road to main street happiness, but all roads lead to peace if that is your goal

dont listen to the lies and believe in the good, it truly is there, it truly is a part of you, and you truly can claim it... it flows freely and everyone is welcome to share goodness...

(((Danialla)))
I am also a people pleaser! I understand your pain all too well. It is also known as codependency. Its like my path to self worth and happiness is wrapped up in helping others and good doing. I am in a codependency support group through my church that has helped me much. I recommend finding some support or a T if you don't already have one.

I am tired nowhere. My entire life has been made up of smoke and mirrors and the longer I live, the clearer the smoke becomes, and I don't like what I see in the mirrors

I am sure that one day I will move beyond being a people pleaser, and then I will ruin even more peoples lives. Sad, all I ever wanted to do was make people happy.

(((Danialla)))) its sad to feel as you do, i wish you werent feeling it now.. im confident it will pass and you will realize that for whatever reason it was done, the good you did was just as good for those who received your kindness for whatever reason it was given..

absolutely none of us are perfect and often i dont know what the best way to behave is... but i know that you care and your compassion is genuine... try not to focus on mistakes so much if it bears down on you so much... you may be like me, your hardest judge... i want you to know i still care and i am still listening..

I am not sure I understand the definition of being co-dependent, but I probably am.

I had been in therapy and my long history of major depression probably doesn't help my state of mind, but I am just too tired to keep on trying. I have thought about trying therapy again, but the fact remains I have caused people pain, and I no longer want to live with that knowledge. Selfish? Yes! But if people only knew what turmoil lies beneath my "happy" exterior, I really think they would understand.

"To live is to serve; to love is to give...at its best and most noble, this is the selfless, magnanimous personality style of which saints and good citizens are made."

"Learn to ask. Make your desires and expectations known."

from http://www.amazon.com/New-Personalit...1859834&sr=8-2

(((Danialla)))

I know how hard it is to get out of the vicious cycle, we all like everyone to be happy around us.

Before that can happen, we have to be happy within ourselves (eew sappy yuck), and then we can make others happy.

I used to adapt my personality to others, I'd be what they wanted me to be. Now, I shine through with my distinct personality whether its approved or not!!!

Take care,
Dee

I join the ranks of people pleasers......to me, it is a defence mechanism...a way of not letting people know what _I_ want because that is them making myself vulnerable and opening up with the possibility of rejection...this is a system that works for me, becoming a chameleon and desiring what others desire....it truly works and I find I don't get hurt as much as before I implemented this system.....I say, rock on people pleasers, you know what you're doing be proud to be a people pleaser it's better than being selfish........

people helping people rocks but there is an emotional investment if it is something heartfelt... i have to constantly replenish my energy and spirit by finding a quiet place that i can commune with my higher self or purifying nature and detoxify.... it re-centers and calms me, a much needed practice for me... thanks to everyone on this thread... wishing you all health : )

May I recommend a book:

Codependent no more. Here is a link to half.com.

I think you should read it.

It will give you some insight into WHY you do this and how to stop the insanity. I'm in the middle of it right now and already I SOOOOOO See MYSELF AS A CODEPENDENT. I'm not ashamed, I just want to stop the hurt feelings.....

I think it would be wise and worth your time to read the book!

http://product.half.ebay.com/Codepen...26409QQtgZinfo

i think the codependent idea is of good benefit to evaluate, thanks for bring it up... im led to think about the two sides in a co-dependent relationship... in its simplest form, there is one who needs and one who provides... who would be more at fault for nurturing a supposedly unhealthy relationship? and dont we often reverse roles ourselves?

it causes me to think next of what would a healthy relationship consist of? no needs at all?

since we all have needs, there ought to be a healthy balancing act we can develop... one where needs are met, but not in an unhealthy manner?

i'd probably learn something from the book.. thanks StarPony : )

The first time in my adult life when I became able to say "no" to someone (in a calm but firm way) my psychiatrist shot me down, saying I had a chip on my shoulder. That started a chain of events which among other things brought me here. So there is a lot of reinforcement to people pleasing other people but never themselves...

wow, grrrr at that shrink. It is a skill that can be learnt, saying no kindly. I'm much better at doing it than I was, in fact I couldnt do it at all not so long ago, which ...

"Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself"

The title of this book is confusing to me Star. I guess I don't see myself as controlling, as much as I see myself as allowing others to control me. But I do recognized that I have hurt many, many people because they couldn't understand me. Heck, I don't even understand me....

((Danialla)))) we are very confusing and complex sometimes arent we? i know i have confused the heck out of myself over and over again... so many contrasting feelings, mysterious feelings that spun away before i could take them apart and see what they were made of....

Danialla, because i really care about you i want to tell you a thing that helped me the most i guess... it was finding inside myself that strange mysterious place i couldnt understand... inside that place i imagined all my fears and past memories of things that happened... inside that imaginary place i put so many other things i cant go into detail about.... the point being, inside that place was all the unanswered questions i had about me ... the biggest one of all (am i a monster?) cause when you dont know yourself well, there's some really big unknowns to ponder...

it was greatly helpful to me to center those unknowns in one area of my imagination... it was greatly helpful to me cause i could put all the stuff i didnt know about in one place and it wasnt flying around in my head uncontrollably anymore...

when i had all that unknown fear in one place, i was able to control it a bit better... see a little clearer what it was made of and find that deep inside all that unknown stuff was an ordinary average human who needed love and wanted to give love... i think you are like that in some ways.. ive had two ego collapses so far, it clears away of lot of stuff when you dont have an ego...

i dont know if this is helping, i hope so... wishing you the best always...

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Danialla said:
People pleaser.....That is me.

It is funny though, you can be a people pleaser and ruin those same peoples lives at the same time. Ironic isn't it???

You work so hard so that other's aren't hurt. You say yes to things because you don't know how to say no. You hope things will work out in the long run, but it never does. You RUIN peoples lives, because you wanted so much for everyone to be happy.

Being a people pleaser, usually means you work really trying hard to anticipate others wants and needs, but being resentful when they can't, or won't see that need in you.

Being a people pleaser has made me what I am today.

You know the type, we never are in a bad mood. We are the people that make you feel happy. Our smiles greet you daily and our quiet musical humming makes you think we are just the happiest most carefree people to walk the earth.

"Don't you ever have a bad day", you ask?? We just chuckle, "Oh sure, don't we all", we answer. Yes, it's probably that chuckle that throws you off, but you just don't believe us. That is okay, because we have stuffed our real emotions, our wants and our needs for so long, that we don't believe in ourselves either.

Yes, we are the people pleasers. The people who anticipate your needs, but can't ask for our own to be met.

But be careful people pleasers.........That inability to say no because you don't want to hurt someone, that inability to tell people what you need, that inability to ask for help for yourself will catch up with you. You will look back and see that for all your hard work, for all those years you thought you were helping people, you only really ruined their lives. Sad, because you ruined your live too.

Yep, I am a people pleaser, and ironically because I am a people pleaser, it is the only thing that is keeping me alive....... AND I HATE BEING ALIVE!

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(((((Danialla)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
A ppl pleaser I have been all my life
you are not alone.
I would move heaven and earth for ppl if I could.
At times yes I have felt the same that I ruined thier lifes.
I felt that with my parents even thou I followed thier wishes
Then felt I had forever altered my kids lives.
Because of taking care of my parents.
With my sisters life I did what ever it took to make her happy.
DId not matter how I felt.
I never felt it was a control issue...I felt I had lost control.
I would do anything to keep peace in my house.
It did not matter what happened to me.
"By the way not a good way to think"
Do not hate yourself for being kind and caring
But remember you have to take care of yourself too
You can remind me of that.

The book they are suggesting you read prolly is a good idea.
For me too

I have always put other ppl first....... sometimes I get mad at myself
*fustration*
I just want peace
At home I would do anything to make the yelling stop....
IRL I am the one who laughs, never does anyone see me cry.....
Always a smile, even if inside I am dieing
I can relate
I do feel you are a good person.
But please take care of you too
Sorry this was a bit of a ramble
but very close to my heart
muffy