Fake your way to empathy

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/perso...thy/index.html

I thought this was an interesting story about how if we haven't been shown what empathy looks like as a child, we may actually have to learn how to do it.
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Interesting. I accept that we have to learn about empathy but faking it sounds pretty harsh. However, I can remember when my psychologist suggested making myself do certain things, whether I wanted to or not. Just the act of "doing" was supposed to eventually cause me to want to do them. So.....I can understand how "faking" empathy might also work......maybe.

That's really just my exciting headline. The article is sensible.

Doh,
This article would also help people (like me) who at times become emotionally 'numb' and lose their ability to empathize. Thanks for sharing the article!

This article disgusts me...I have spent my whole life truly empathizing, putting lots and lots of energy into it too. The author, Amanda Robb, I consider her hardly a human being, she revolts me. This article is very, very sad.

i think its a good article. I certainly am not angry at amanda for her deficiencies and honesty in retrospect. I want to be more forgiving than that.
Many people dont know how to behave. Sometimes i feel that someone pushing my empathy buttons is just plain manipulative and shouldnt be trusted. It really depends on the context and emotional maturity of the person involved with me.
pi

Interesting article, thanks for sharing!

Clearly, not everyone is equipped or compelled to shepherd people out of their "painful place," for some it's a natural responce to "comfort the afflicted" or "afflict the comforted" the latter see it as being judgemental and the former as empathetic...Both are in pain, one's just further along in the process.

Junerain,
I honestly say this in jest -- I couldn't help but note the irony in your reply. Where is your empathy for the unempathic? LOL.

Fake empathy is an oxymoron. To have an exchange of empathy is to have a truly authentic experience. I think it is pretty off-base that the writer found her way to empathy through using generic phrases. I don't doubt that she did uncover her inner empathy-- but perhaps she should re-evaluate how she arrived there. I think that half of the battle is being able to accept that sometimes it is okay to just not give a damn. There are times when I honestly don't give a damn, and I have decided to stop feeling guilty about my feelings. Besides, how can you have empathy towards another when you can't even validate or accept your own negative feelings? I also don't believe empathy is something that you can "try" to arrive at. I know that I can be an incredibly empathic person-- sometimes too much. And sometimes I just don't give a damn. I'm okay with both.

Most of us have heard, and maybe even used, the term "fake it till you make it." I think that applies here, too. I don't see the article as saying you can fake empathy, but that you can promote empathy even when you don't really have it. This way, not only is the person being truly helped by your response, but inwardly you are changing and learning how to be empathic. I don't follow Oprah's belief system, but God's, however this is pretty close to good truth, imo.

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Pinksoil I agree with your post.....so very wise as always...

Jin xoxoxoxoxoxo

A few quotes from the article:

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I got fired," Lisa told me.

"Wow." I pulled her to her feet. "You'll have an amazing story for Jim's party tonight!"

Lisa's eyes went round and wet as the dog's when we left her at the vet. She said, "Come on, Maya" (who gave me a reproachful glance before obeying), disappeared into her bedroom (for three days), and never discussed career matters with me again.


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empathy is "the ability or the willingness to experience the world from someone else's point of view," I wasn't brought up to be able to do that.

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What surprised me was my therapist's response to these tirades. She never said, "Leave that rotten bastard." Or "Your roommate is a big baby." Instead she said, "Gosh, that sounds really hard." And, "That must have felt terrible." And, "How did you feel after that happened?" My reaction to those spectacularly bland comments was even more astonishing. I loved them.


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About six months into psychotherapy, I started using what I thought of as my therapist's "lines."


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It's true that for a long time, while I could say the appropriate thing, I could not relate to their struggles. Still, I took satisfaction in the fact that my relationships were improving. Then a year after starting therapy, I began feeling something intensely when comforting friends: terror.

This turned out to be a signal, Lachmann says, that I was actually feeling empathy.

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I don't see it as "faking it" so much as a willingness to learn how to have a different perspective, how to listen and understand the importance of what's being said.

It's a great example of what therapy can do just by sitting and talking.

Thanks, Doh

I think we have to learn everything; that's kind of what "shown as a child" means? Some parents, teachers, lives teach different things at different times. Most of us just got the advanced course on hurt, pain, sadness, etc. first and get to learn all the "good" stuff later? It's a little unreasonable to hope that any one set of parents/particular public school teachers, etc. are going to be able to teach us everything we need to know; the whole thing is like the "Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten" book and why that was so popular.

I think we are shown things but having all the conditions right so we learn what we're shown doesn't always match up. I remember how surprised I was when my T once responded that from what I was telling her my stepmother had been teaching me something "correctly". But I didn't learn "that" way for whatever reason; my attitude, background, feelings about her, etc.