Obsess with people that i hate

Hi Guys!

I feel desperate right now. Whenever i don't like someone, i start to become obsess with them. I can't stop thinking about them. I start to try to find flaw or mistakes so i can feel better but usually it will be temporary because i still think I'm losing, I'm worthless or it's unfair.
I'm not sure how to stop that.
I knew that's not good for me.
I really want to stop and start thinking something nicer instead thinking about people that I hate and wishing them to fail.
I know that i'm suppose to focus on something else.
I just don't know how.

Sometimes you have to try to understand why you feel hatred toward someone, is that hate really justified? I have found in my 40 odd years of living that there are three main things that cause one person to hate another.

1. That individual has either harmed you or someone you care about in some significant way.
2. They exhibit behavior you strongly disapprove.
3. You may have a paticular aversion to certain race, gender, class, orientation, religion, etc.

So analyze and understand why you feel animosity towards this person.

If it is the first thing

Was the offense deliberate a misunderstanding or accident?
How much damage was done and was it permenant in some way?
DId this person realize the offense and try to apologize or make ammends in some way?

If it is the second thing

What about this person's behavior or actions offends you?
Can you persuade them to conduct themselves differently?
Do others feel the same animosity toward them for the same reason?

If it is the third thing

You have some soul searching to do, were you maybe raised to mistrust a certain group of people?
Did you have some sort of very negative experiance with a member of said group that has impacted your view of all persons within said group?

Then ask yourself, what benefit am I derriving by fixating on that person or person(s) what am I gaining from having this animosity inside me?

Is there another outlet for your anger, maybe like working out to de-stress?

I do not have the answers, but I hope some of this is useful for you.

I have had to learn over the years that someone will always hate you no matter what you say or do, just the way life goes. People are not rational creatures sometime.If you become obsessed with your enemies, then they achieve victory over you, by consuming your time and energy. Time and energy you could have used instead to bring yourself contentment and enjoyment.

Think about it.

Good luck with this

TJ

Hi woofwoof, I go the opposite way. If somebody makes me mad or hurts me, I just ignore them. I just pretend they don't exist. Which means I don't deal with my anger issues. My BF is like you, he obsesses about people he hates. It causes him a lot of discomfort--it is no fun to always be angry or vengeful. I have no real advice for you, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

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Timgt5 said:
Sometimes you have to try to understand why you feel hatred toward someone, is that hate really justified? I have found in my 40 odd years of living that there are three main things that cause one person to hate another.

1. That individual has either harmed you or someone you care about in some significant way...

So analyze and understand why you feel animosity towards this person.

If it is the first thing

Was the offense deliberate a misunderstanding or accident?
How much damage was done and was it permenant in some way?
DId this person realize the offense and try to apologize or make ammends in some way?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I cannot say that I really hate anyone who I feel has done damage to me, but I certainly have strong emotions about it at times. It does not necessarily depend on whether the damage was "intentional" but more on whether I view society as rewarding the damager more than it cares about me. That is, some of the people I feel have harmed me are those whom "society" rewards by giving them positions of "authority" or accolades of some sort -- which certainly have never been given to me. Some of the damage was very severe; it remains to be seen how permanent it is. The effects are still present. And no, the ones I have the greater problems with have never seen fit to apologize (if the damage was personal) or even recognize any error.

I seem to be very impressed with authority...

When I remember to do this, it always releases me. I say a prayer for the person. Somehow that gets me to a better place.

My mother was so, SO, obsessed about what others thought of her.
She raised me this way, and, though I recognize it, I still battle with it, especially those who have hurt me in some way. Even up to nursing her thru her teminal cancer illness, I had to listen to her obsessing about what other people thought. I did say to her, "It doesn't matter, Mom." When I was young, when I said that, I got whooped up on majorly, physically. But when she was with me in her illness, I said it kindly to her, hoping she would finally see. I really don't think she ever did.
As a result of my upbringing, I realize, I do!, that the fault is not always mine in hurtful situations in which I am the "victim" (and I refuse to label myself as victim). It is not always your fault, but our own personal histories can affect us so that we obsess on these things. Not good.
I hope you will work on this issue, as I have. I can honestly say that I have never intentionally brought about hurtful or hateful responses from people...truly. I have learned to brush it off and move on. I hope you can do the same.
Patty
I want to add, that by obsessing on the person you hate, you are giving them POWER.

Thanks guys for your reply.
I mostly obsess with people who hurt the people I love and I kinda agree with pachyderm .
Sometimes society adores people who do damage and it seems so unfair.
I know there is nothing fair but sometime it still hard to accept.
Anyway, thanks for listening.