I had no idea were to put this, so if you want to move it then feel free to.
(I briefy thought of putting this in my PC blog, but I don't know if anyone reads it anyways)
A possible trigger? It isn't violent or anything, but you never know...

I don't know what age I was...I could have been 9, I could have been 11, or even 13. (Yeah, horrible at determining what age I am when I have some kind of memory or flashback, even if I sometimes remember things in the 3rd person) In any case there was a time in my life were I seemed to have episodes reverting to a more beastial self. My angry outbursts of such quality were actualy very rare, usualy one of the two of us (as in me and my brother) backs down before a fight escalates to this point.

Perhaps I should explain a little bit about myself and my brother at about this time period when it comes to fights. To put things simply, we founght like two lions, my brother, the male lion, physicaly overpowering to the point of a hopelessly unfair fight, who roars and clubs you with his large paws, with myself a proud lioness who hisses, spits and roars but does not strike a male lion except when absolutely and utterly outraged and with a few swift but vicious blows that if lucky will actualy nick his hide.A pretty visual, I think. He was almost always the provicator, and I always fell for his bait.

I don't know when this fight began, what it was about, but I hit my breaking point. I was in hysterics, and determined to run away from home. Literaly just walking out the door right then and there and walking as far away as my legs could carry me. I did not care about how much they would worry about me, or how angry they would be when I returned home. I made it about as far as the back yard before my brother (who by the way was screaming at me this entire time) charges out the door and grabs me into submission, I break away, he grabs again, I keep breaking away and marching on, screaming and throwing a fit. Well, before I knew it my world was upside down and I landed flat on my back. Did that deter me from my mission? Absolutely not! He somehow managed to keep flipping me over is shoulder until I just grew so tired and hopeless and depressed that I didn't have the energy to care anymore. Flashback sort of ends there.

The golden rule of fights is that the stronger one always wins.

This was the first, but not the last time I just burt into a mess like that. (the equivalent of possibly hundreds of tantrums that I had to hold inside because of my brothers dominant status in the hierarchy and fear of the repercussions until the point were it was no longer relevant) most of the time he just pins me to the ground so I can't escape and whispers "shhh" and "calm down". I don't know if anyone else is like me but when I'm in such an animalistic mindset those are the LAST two things that I want to hear, and have the exact opisite effect then what you would think. They are taken as insults, because in my world:

Shhh = word used for small children = calling me a child = calling me stupid, dependant, far too simple minded for my own good, to emotionaly sensitive, etc.

Thus, it would only make me even angrier.

As I've gotten older, I've developed the ability to brush things off, or at least walk away for my own good. (which actualy is a recently developed thing for me, only started when I became a teen and while it's still being fine-tuned now. How many parents expect their children to have this ability to rationaly control their emotions after they are no longer a toddler to just be there I don't know.) So these outbursts have become so rare to the pointwere they pretty much went extinct over the past few years.

And well, that's a wrap.
Thanks for litsening to my rant.

[onlymedid]

I can relate to the issue of being stifled or being made to calm down. I was in group homes and foster homes, as well as my home growing up, where you were not allowed to have tantrums. In the group home if you got angry and showed it by acting out, you were held on the floor with your arms crossed across your chest and an adults legs wrapped around you holding your legs down so that you can't move until you were calm. Not a way I would EVER treat a child.

I was older than my bro and sis, but I never beat them up. I was the one being beat, so I wouldn't subject them to the same.

I hope you can feel better about learning to control yourself rather than having someone else try to control you. It is hard, I know. It sounds as though you have done great so far! You are able to brush stuff off, good for you!

BJ