[Eteles]

Hi, all. Hate to bother you, but this is something I've been confused about for a while, and I'd just like to know if anybody else ever gets this way, or what it is.

I have been feeling very, very strange. Not entirely bad strange. I've been happy all day, for the most part, but strange... I would say that I feel intoxicated somehow, but I don't use intoxicants, so I can't really say what it feels like to be intoxicated. I wish I had some other word for it than 'strange'; twisted, I suppose. When I get into this mood, my thoughts don't race, but they feel strangely powerful, savage.

When I'm safely in private, I find myself growling. It's not a "Grrr, I'm so angry" growling, but growling like an animal, and pacing around, flexing myself into strange positions on the furniture (my muscles seem to need to feel the stretch.) Sometimes I start laughing and I can't stop easily - sometimes at those 'powerful' thoughts, which aren't really funny, sometimes at nothing. Other times, I find myself full of energy, and sort of hop around. I know this behavior sounds totally crazy - I'm sort of scaring myself with it, in fact - but I really am under control. ("Ha! Quite likely," I hear you thinking, but when I say 'under control,' I mean, 'I can function normally, this has not affected my life negatively in any measurable way.) Though the feeling might come at any time, I act this way only in the privacy of my own home, and I can control this feeling in public. Occasionally I will be tempted to act this way in a department store or something, but it's never really gotten beyond a strange wiggling of the fingers, or a funny walk, and that's only in the most rare, extreme cases. So it's not my biggest concern in life.

However, it is very strange, and sometimes becomes uncomfortable. The feeling feels like something that needs to be satisfied; occasionally, my thoughts will even turn to violence against myself or faceless others, although when I really examine this line of thought it often dissolves very quickly. It's clear to me I don't really want to hurt anyone. The feeling has occasionally led me to bite my fingers, but the pain causes me to stop immediately; I've never left a mark on myself. I never try to chop vegetables or do any other, similarly dangerous thing when this mood is particularly extreme, as it sometimes causes me to make sudden, violent movements which I have great difficulty controlling.

Once again, the mood doesn't feel bad, per se, although I am sometimes scared of it and it becomes very tiring. Sometimes it causes me to act strangely, but sometimes I can be quite laconic outwardly when the mood takes me - I feel some remnant of it now, it feels like there's a rubber ball bouncing around inside of my chest. Ultimately, it feels very difficult to describe, but if I had to choose a few words, I would call it a mad savagery. (I'm sorry if that sounds overly romantic. Like I said, there is something intoxicating about the mood, whether I like it or not. It's also rather embarrassing, which is why I'm asking here... I've asked close, trusted family if they know the sensation, but they don't seem to know what I'm talking about.)

If this were the seventeenth century, I'd be tempted to think I was being possessed by some sort of demon. However, as it's the twenty-first, I'm wondering if it's hormones. I *am* a 20 year old female, after all, and I do go through certain cycles which may or may not contribute to the feeling. The feeling never lasts very long, only a few days at a time.

Does anyone have any idea what this might be? I've looked up 'mania,' but that seems to be different - my thoughts aren't racing, and I don't always feel the need to jump up and down. Rather, I feel strangely compelled.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with this. I know it sounds strange, and I probably took a bit too long to try and explain it, but I've never heard of anyone outside of comic books feeling the need to act like this. Does anyone have any ideas?

[MINIME]

I am not sure. I dont really know. A couple of things come to mind but the part that doesnt fit is that youu have control over them. So i am not sure. I wanted to say that I read your post and hang in there someone may have the answer or an idea but it may take awhile. If you want keep posting and the more information we have the easier it might be for someone to see.

[Eteles]

Originally Posted by MINIME

I am not sure. I dont really know. A couple of things come to mind but the part that doesnt fit is that youu have control over them. So i am not sure. I wanted to say that I read your post and hang in there someone may have the answer or an idea but it may take awhile. If you want keep posting and the more information we have the easier it might be for someone to see.

Thank you very much for your response, I really appreciate it. Just knowing that someone has read this helps, for some reason. It makes me feel not so alone in this, and I want to thank you for that.

When I say I can control it, I don't mean I can control the mood, just my behavior. I think the fact that I'm fairly terrified of strangers helps me control myself on those days when I have to go out and function in the world. ^^; I'm a very quiet, reserved person in public - in fact, I have a lot of trouble 'loosening up' in even the smallest way. I can barely open my mouth when faced wit a stranger. As the mood seems to be one which is uninhibited, my natural inhibition around strangers generally balances it out (although I'm generally eager to get away from people when I am in the mood, lest I slip up.)

However, when I'm just with my family, I will barely hold back; they're used to seeing me trilling, hopping up and down, and generally acting like a spaz for a few days every once in a while (generally every couple of weeks, I'd suppose.) My brother has seen me laughing uncontrollably, and I'm afraid I might have frightened him once or twice (He gives me a strange look and says, 'creeeepy girl,' in a joking sort of way. But he's not completely joking - he's giving me that helpless, 'are you serious, or just playing around?' look.) I keep the growling mostly to myself, even among my family, as it is the most unpleasant of the behaviors I associate with this mood, and it can't be attributed to girlish giddiness. I don't want to scare them. Or anyone, for that matter.

It isn't out of control now, but I could see it getting out of control if it becomes stronger. Luckily, it hasn't. ...This is another reason why I'm asking now, when it isn't hurting my life badly... they say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and I do not want to have to get to the point where I need a cure for this!

[Typo]

Do you have a T you could talk to about this?

[hurtingintn]

you are not alone here at pc

[Junerain]

I do the same, pace, make strange noises and strange faces, when I'm in private, its usually thinking about something someone said, then mouthing the words or saying the words back. Ocassionally someone out in public will notice me making a strange face, they may look again, but never say anything. If it helps to think of it as a demon, then you can. Mania has a broader definition than just racing thoughts, I know, I've had every kind of mania it seems. Think of it as mania. Good suggestion for seeing a T, if you feel you should.

[multipixie9]

i honestly don't know, but wanted to let you know i did read your posts on this.

from my very limited experience, it sounded kinda manic to me, the way it goes in a kind of cycle of off and then on for a few days.

if you could, i'd suggest checking it out with someone who can diagnose what is happening; whether it is mania or some kind of chemical balance it sounds frightening to me - especially the occasional feeling of wanting to be violent to yourself or "faceless others".

keep coming back and talking and reading and hopefully you will find what you need for your life. Hugs if you want em
leslie and her pixies