[eskielover]

I spent all day Monday running around to get a lot of things accomplished......Social security to get my letter with the date my disability started.....so I could go to the PVA office to get my exemption that amounts to a large exemption on my property tax (woopieeee). Then to the annex to make sure there are no leins on my property (collections agencies from debt are just sitting there, but who knows & it should be after my husband mostly in California). Had to get a new title on my truck as it was stolen in the bag that was stolen from my truck last year when that was broken into & my ID stolen.

After getting all the paperwork together, I stopped at the lawyers office.......going over everything, sounds like an LLC will give the most possible protection, but nothing is sure fire against past debt.

In talking things over with the lawyer, I realize that I am in worse shape than I even really would let myself imagine. Down to my last cent & trying hard to spend it wisely so that it is used to decrease what expenses I have & not make more. Then legal separation/divorce is not something that is a good idea at this time as it would only bring all the debt issues to the surface & they would have to be dealt with.....rather than just letting them lay there as they have been accumulating for the last 14 years. Really wanted to get out of the relationship with him NOW, but with the miles between Calif & Kentucky, I can live with it as I completely control the spending.

The IRS dept is large enough that it's a nuisance, but I have it covered with monthly payments coming from my husband's retirement fund (he didn't want to touch but has no choice NOW). I told him he didn't give me a choice by talking to me when he first found out & I had the money to pay the tax, so I don't care if he doesn't have a choice either.

I got home exhausted......Tuesday, I went to my womans horse riding luncheon. It was at Eagles Nest & we went out & did some trail riding before & after lunch.......what a relief to be out in the beauty of the changing leaves coloring. It was wonderfully relaxing.

On my way home, I drove past my friends house & stopped by there for a chat. She is the 90 year old friend I have mentioned before. While chatting with her, my throat got so sore, I couldn't swallow but kept chatting a bit more. By the time I left & drove home (2 miles max) I couldn't even squeak out a word.....complete silence when I told my doggies to stay in the truck while I got the mail. COMPLETE SILENCE. I got a phone call & couldn't even answer it. That was the start of the crappy feeling.....still going on & add to the laryngitis, a cough.

On wednesday, I had an appointment with a new counsellor(therapist). We chatted (through my laryngitis) & my huge 32 ounce mug of ice tea. By the end, she said she thought I needed someone a little more able to deal with the issues I have. Talk about a wham. I thought I was doing much better & almost becoming human again.......but the issues I am still dealing with underneath it all are still more complicated than she can handle......those issues......stress causes me to feel sick & not be able to eat. I will cook food & only eat a few bites& not be able to eat the rest....so I nibble throughout the day. The other issue is that when I get stressed, sometimes I get this spacey feeling that has been going on since my MOther died a few years ago....& the PTSD issues surrounding this time of year as it's the anniversary of the time I was dealing with my Mother.

She provided other names that might work.....but being on medicare & not being able to afford anything other than sliding scale providers otherwise.......I am really stuck.

I haven't been sleeping lately & if I do, it's only dozing for a few hours & then back up again & then doze a few hours later.

So in the terms of the title of my post.......I am sick & tired.

I am also so tired of working so hard so that everything will turn out or work out, or even get started. I just want the things in life that are normal to just become simple again......working this hard at just plain life is exhausting & I am not feeling is a place to handle it much right now. I just want to find a place where I can go away & hide

Trying to survive,
Debbie

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))) It sounds like you have a lot going on, I hope that you find the calmness that you need.

[(JD)]

Sending you more energy.

You really did accomplish so much! I'm sorry to hear it doesn't feel like enough. You appear to be doing well considering all that! Bummer on the T bailing, but good that she told you upfront. Is no one on her list approved?

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Debbie ))))))))))))))))

[CedarS]

(((((((((Debbie))))))))))

[splitimage]

((((Debbie))))

You really do have a ton going on. I'd be really tired too. But I'm amazed at how much you did accomplish, you should focus on that rather on what's left to do.

I'm really sorry that your T bailed on you. It doesn't seem fair. I really hope that you're able to find someone new.

---splitimage

[Doh2007]

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Remember: chicken soup and honey and lemon juice.

It's so nice that when things get overwhelming, you can go for a ride in nature. I bet it's so beautiful this time of year. I'd even enjoy cleaning hooves just to be able to do that. I sure enjoy hearing about your wonderful, sometimes challenging, home in the country.

[eskielover]

I have really been out of it these past few days......just stayed on my air mattress sleeping most of the time....poor doggies......(or maybe that's poor Mommy) didn't get their potty walks like they needed. At least the mess is easy to clean up when I get a little energy. Today was the first day I started functioning a little.......3 days mail in the mail box......that is my sign that I am really not feeling good.

Got the doggies out today....all afternoon while I worked on power washing my front porch. I have to get it painted & the "deck scape" on the wood deck. It's supposed to last for at least 8 years without having to refinish it. I got some stuff to spray onto the wood that cleans is so well.....even stripped off most of the old paint.....didn't want it chipping under the new paint & sanding takes so long compared to the pressure washing (should have been doing it during the hot summer, but I never do things when it's best...I always do things when "I get around to it".....& that timing is never logical....lol. Had to laugh though....had 3 of my doggies out in the yard with me & was standing there with the pressure washer going on the front railing....out of the corner of my eye, I caught a motion........the chipmonks are sure busy getting ready for winter.....he came right out almost on top of me.....stopped & bopped away in a hurry when he realized I was there. There are about 5 of them around my farm. Haven't seen the groundhog for a long time...hopefully he just went away. Walking around the farm pasture area, I have noticed the ground it invaded with moles. They are so adorable, but definitely not belong in my horse pasture....no leg injuries will be allowed......no huge vet bills or broken legs.....Leo's broken leg is all that will be allowed here.

Got my new electric hotwater heater unloaded from my truck & into my basement. My friend is going to install it, so that will save quite a bit of money. We have this trade thing going.......I have given him new windows that were sitting around the house, the Air Conditioner & furnace motor that I just had replaced. Woohoo.....no more $850/month propane bills this winter.......I am now "all electric".

It is really nice to have someone in the position of farm manager. He has really helped me out bunched getting people to do work for less & also not get taken advantage of like the painter last year. He was the one paying the guy that did the heatpump system....lol. He is giving money out as the work gets done....the guy was puting in the thermostat & the digital one wasn't working right, so he brought back a analog one & installed it....I had told him I wanted a digital one, but like most men....he didn't bother listening.......so I called him last weekend....he was supposed to be there on MOnday to replace it.....nothing (even though I was doing my runarround.....he really never showed up.......so my friend (farm manager) hasn't finished paying him for the job either....lol. I am learning to get much tougher with people too.......people love to take advantage of others here....doesn't seem to be just women either.

Had to laugh at the womens lunchen, one new family in our area had talked on the phone to the painter that messed up my house so bad.....needless to say, I told them what a horrible person & lier he is.......lol. He is still telling people he's booked up months in advance.....then if you decide to hire him....all of a sudden, he's there immediately. Not only that, but he's still telling people that he works for the Anderson Circle farm & doing all their painting for them. I have first hand information from the workers there that he was fired & told never to show his face around there again......the same words I had for him.....got news for him....he messed with the wrong person here. I don't keep my mouth shut when someone messes with me......but I shouldn't let them mess with me in the first place (fire them before they get to that point....lol).

It's hard to find the right psychologist that doesn't cost me everything.....I would end up spending more for therapy than I have.....couldn't afford to eat it I had therapy.........is that therapy induces anorexia????? I finally called one that actually talked to me about my situation......he is even willing to work with the lady that was unsure about working with me because of my problems......he said as an option, he might be there to back her up ......he's looking at other options & I need to get information from my previous psychologists, so he knows where I am coming from in their terms.

The real difficulty is not wanting to drive all the way to Lexington & the real difficulty is finding a Christian psychologist that isn't the way out there fanatic's but one that will work with me in terms that I am needing right now.

Still sick.....now it's mostly a cough......& the laryngitis is a bit less.....at least I can squeek out sounds now that can be understood.

Spent the evening brushing my doggies....oh my, they are blowing coat. I have 6 american eskimo doggies & enough fur to make at least 12 more. I realized they were blowing coat the other night when I turned over in bed & I looked like an american eskimo.....covered with fur from head to toe.....& I was sweating a bit so the fur stuck even worse.....eeewwwww. Gotta love them.....several of them were the ones that I used to show.....they love to be groomed & actually climb on top of me & sit in my lap while I brush them. Nothing like my big wolley bear sitting on my lap while trying to brush him.

Thanks all for the encouragement while I am feeling down. I had really been praying that this time of year would not be a problem again but seems that I can't get through the fall without past traumas haunting me (perfect time to be haunted at halloween....lol)....but seriously......for some reason, just the smell of fall & the fall feeling in the air seems to trigger the feelings & dreams. When I get into feelings like this, I sometimes find mindless things to do.....my newest mindless thing is collecting seeds from my flower garden....lol. Talk about being mindless. I can't believe how many seeds I have already collected. I should have a huge flower garden next summer with bunches to give away. I have also been collecting things like queen Anne's lace & the cornflower......a lacey plant with beautiful blue flowers. The crazy thing is that my potted tomatoe plants are filled with tomatoes right now & they are turning red/yellow. Go figure, the season is almost over & NOW I get the vegetables.....just typical of my life right now....lol.

[jbug]

I just wanted to comment on how strong of a person you are. I admire your strength and how you seem to always come out on top. I'm glad that your voice is starting to come back and maybe your cough will go away soon.

Jbug

[BrnEyedGrl]

Just wanted to send you hugs and good thoughts. Im hoping things get better sooner than later for you....