[madisgram]

i need to get this out in the open. since dave has lived with me i have tried so hard to help him feel comfortable and provide him with good care. when he became psychotic at home he began to become verbally and emotionally abusive to me. real abusive....he made fun of me being bipolar. he said he was living with me cause i was so mentally ill. (i'm his caretaker!) he stated so many things like this with such venom. he brought up that i was an alcoholic (recovering, of 18 years i might add) as tho that made me even worse/bad.
when i got him to the hospital and they immedicately admitted him for acute psychiatric care he was loudly telling everyone i was an alcoholic and bipolar. these are two things i hold to my chest, i am not embarressed i have these dx's but they are private things that i feel i only have the right to reveal if i so choose.
rationally i know he is very ill. rationally i know he won't remember he said these hurtful things. but what i can't shake is the anger and hurt i feel towards his direct actions to me. it brings back my being emotionally, verbally and physically abused in the past and all the feelings i had about being a worthless human being. it was like a trigger inside me that got turned on again. with my prior life situation i could say bye-bye and i did.
with david how do i state to him that that behavior towards me is not acceptable? what i fear is that he will continue to do this to hurt me emotionally and i will finally blow up. i don't want to feel that way. i don't want to hold these resentments. they will lead to more anger and depression. anyone saying you need to remember he's acutely mentally ill with schiz.well that won't cut it with me right now. i need to know how i can resove these feelings within myself. that is what i am seeking by posting this.
i know for a fact from my therapy in the past and what i've learned in AA that resentments are a luxury i cannot afford.
pc friends, can you help me with this?

[pegasus]

(((((((( madisgram ))))))))

You have every right to feel angry but can you view this as, 'Was this how David normally behaves?'

My opinion, if David is normally abusive then as an adult you do not have to put up with it. Your choice. Would be best to live apart for sure.

If this was the illness speaking and this doesn't happen often and you are willing to forgive him then it needs to be discussed. Obviously you will need to wait until he is well enough. Sit down together and tell him calmly how he hurt your feelings. Find out from him if that is really how he feels about you.

Breathe, you have just been through the most horrendous stressful time.

[Lenny]

It is a selfish program we are in madisgram.

In the end,,outside of all the drama the world offers or we create,,it is our sobriety that must be protected,,,for without it,,nothing exists for us but hell.

I agree with Peg,,,if Dave's illness cannot be controlled and his abusive outbursts are chronic,,then for both of you sakes,,move away from this...

Nothing is worth going back to where we came from...

With Care,


Lenny

[Sannah]

Madisgram, I guess your question was how you could learn to handle this. You are saying that you are getting triggered. Triggers get disarmed by looking at what is being triggered and then working on that. If you want to think out loud here and work through this trigger I would be glad to help (or you could PM me).

[notz]

Madisgram,

Excellent posts have been given to you. One thing I can offer that I've been thinking about since before you moved to Florida is 'what about you in this caretaker role' ?

Now, that this first crisis is dealt with, and you're putting plans into place for David - I ask, what about you? What's in place for you? I agree with Lenny that our sobriety must be everything. Without it, one picks right back up where one left off. Not pretty, right? (understatement - jme!)

I've not heard you mention a current therapist in your life especially since the move. My suggestion is that should be part of the agreement you have as David's primary caretaker. Get thee to therapy!

I hate it that he hurt your feelings. I know he's ill, you know he's ill, but it still hurts. Can you imagine laughing at any of this in two years?? Maybe the sting is too smart right now but if you go to enough meetings, and talk about it enough...

I offer you two virtual arms extended! Lay your head on my shoulder and hold on, it's ok. I'm sorry he hurt you, especially in such a public way. All you were trying to do was help him! Let's say the Serenity prayer together.

notz

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by pegasus

(((((((( madisgram ))))))))

You have every right to feel angry but can you view this as, 'Was this how David normally behaves?'

My opinion, if David is normally abusive then as an adult you do not have to put up with it. Your choice. Would be best to live apart for sure.

If this was the illness speaking and this doesn't happen often and you are willing to forgive him then it needs to be discussed. Obviously you will need to wait until he is well enough. Sit down together and tell him calmly how he hurt your feelings. Find out from him if that is really how he feels about you.

Breathe, you have just been through the most horrendous stressful time.

oh thanks, peg. excellent advice. can't thank you enough for responding. it's just what i want to do, altho with his chronic schiz. i am not sure if it would work. we'll see. i'll speak with hisi case mamanger at va today about it.
no david was a gentle man before he got ill. the violence, not directed at me, occured before he got help. this is the first time i have witnessed it again. but no, it was the suggestion of physical abuse and more of it was verbal and emotional abuse towards me.