[Rio_]

Just some things I need to get out my head so I can instead fill it with Fourier transforms and auxiliary functions before my Maths exam.

1. Flatmates. My flatmate this year is my best friend from first year (I'm a second year student), and it feels like we're growing further and further apart. It started off great - we'd share the food shopping and eat together, and sometimes watch DVDs together in the evening - but now we're hardly ever in the same room as each other, and most of the time when we are, it feels really awkward. She eats in her room, and recently her boyfriend has been spending a lot of time over here - I don't think he's said two words to me, and again they spend most of their time in her room. I miss how things were, but at the same time I can't help feeling relieved when she's not in and I have the place to myself - as selfish as it sounds, it means I don't have to worry about what she'll think if I want to do something. I generally don't go in the kitchen if she's there, because I'd have to make conversation and I find it hard to think of things to say...I don't want her to think I'd rather she wasn't there, even if deep down that's maybe true. (Sounds awful, I know. ) And just today, I wanted to go to the gym after lunch but I didn't because it would have meant having to knock on her door (she keeps it shut...another thing I don't like because it means I can never tell if I'm interrupting) and say where I was going. She's moving out in July because she can't afford the rent any more, and I'm hoping that once we're not around each other all the time any more things will improve. But I'm worried the same thing will happen with the flatmate I have next year - after all, I ended up in a similar situation with my flatmates in halls; I'd try and avoid being around them as much as I could. It'd probably be easier for me to live by myself, but I can't afford it...I don't want my new flatmate to feel like I don't want her there, though.

2. Guy trouble #1. So, there's this guy on my course...I'll call him coursework boy, because most of his texts and calls to me are coursework-related. We were friends in first year, and if anything we're better friends now - last year he spent most of his time with two other girls, but this year he (and they) have been hanging around with my group of friends more. Despite the fact that on the surface it doesn't seem like we have much in common - different tastes in music and films, for example - our personalities are similar, and I feel like I can trust him. (Whether this is true or not, I don't know...I'm not always the best judge.) Unfortunately, I've also managed to develop feelings for him. I think about him a lot, and one of the only things I actually like about exam time is that it means he calls more often. They always start out coursework-related, but can easily last for half an hour or more once we've tried to sort out what he's having trouble with. This happened quite a few times during exams last semester, and because we were kept in touch quite a lot by text during the Christmas holidays, and then he seemed to be spending more time around me at the start of this semester (sitting next to me in lectures and tutorials, when he didn't usually before, and sometimes having lunch with my friends and me), I started to think that I might actually be in with a chance. But I've asked if he wanted to meet up a few times, and although the first time he seemed keen he changed his mind closer to the time and said he was busy, and the other times he's had an excuse...I've no idea if they were legitimate or not, but it doesn't seem like a good sign. But then, every time he calls, or offers to walk home the same way I do, I start to think, "well, maybe..." I can't tell him, because if I do it'd mess up the friendship we have (and would probably affect our mutual friends as well), but I can't get him out of my head either!

3. Guy trouble #2. (This will give a bit of background: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=77203) I can't figure out what's going on with him. I tend to avoid talking to him if I feel I can without being rude - if he's on Facebook I go offline before he can see me, for example - and if I arrange to meet up with him I never look forward to it...but I usually end up having a good time when I actually do see him. I know I don't want to be more than friends with him...until I start to think about it too hard, and wonder if it's just that I'm scared, and am passing up an opportunity to be with someone who actually cares about me. (He's asked me out once more since that time.) But then, when my first (and only) boyfriend asked me out, I was in a similar situation to what I'm in now - trying to get over a crush on a friend - and one of the reasons I said yes was because I thought it might help me move on. It didn't. I don't want to feel trapped in a relationship if there's someone else I'd rather be with, even if I'm pretty sure it's never actually going to happen. It wouldn't be fair on him either. But what if it is just fear of liking someone who actually likes me back that's making me avoid him?

4. The future. I've known I don't exactly have much in the way of self-esteem for some time, and I'm getting worried about how much it's going to hold me back once I graduate. I recently had an assessment for a summer job at a department store, and the night before was freaking out because I'd found a discussion online that said the assessment could involve offering help to actual customers and being, well, assessed on it. I've had a customer service job before and found it stressful, and approaching people and asking if they needed help while my performance was being graded didn't seem like something I could do at all. (In the end I just had a role-play exercise, and would have got the job if I didn't have a holiday booked during my first week.) Dad told me that if I didn't "fix this litle problem" I was going to find it difficult in any sort of job...although how he can say this after pretty much having made me quit therapy, I don't know. He's probably right, though...fact is, the only thing I feel I'm any good at is studying, and I can't do that forever. And I don't want to waste a five-year degree because I can't get myself employed when I graduate.

That's about all I can think of for now...any advice on any of these would be much appreciated! (Wasn't sure what forum this should go in, so feel free to move it somewhere.)