[Living Well]

Someone told me that the psychotherapy thread was a nice thread to hang out at so here I am.

What I want to raise is that last time I went to my massage therapist I felt very uncomfortable. I got creepy vibes off him while he was doing the massage and then after the massage he was banging on about the joys of tantric sex and was undressing me with my eyes.

I'm usually a very assertive person but when it comes to managing other people's sexual inappropriateness, I just freeze. I'm trying to think what advice I would give to someone else to handle it, but my mind is blank. I feel so grossed out, I just want to vomit.

Cheers.

[rainbow8]

Welcome to this forum, Living Well. I have two suggestions. One is to stop seeing this massage T! There are plenty of others to choose from, I would assume. How about seeing a woman massage T instead?

Two, if you think this person was inappropriate, can you report him, or does he have his own business?

Is this someone you've seen for a long time? Do you also see a psychotherapist? If so, you could discuss it with him/her. Your reaction seems totally appropriate. If you're uncomfortable with someone, just don't see that person anymore. Or am I missing something in this scenario?

[newtus]

he massaged you?

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by Living Well

Someone told me that the psychotherapy thread was a nice thread to hang out at so here I am.

What I want to raise is that last time I went to my massage therapist I felt very uncomfortable. I got creepy vibes off him while he was doing the massage and then after the massage he was banging on about the joys of tantric sex and was undressing me with my eyes.

I'm usually a very assertive person but when it comes to managing other people's sexual inappropriateness, I just freeze. I'm trying to think what advice I would give to someone else to handle it, but my mind is blank. I feel so grossed out, I just want to vomit.

Cheers.

When I've been in this situation, I've said: "What you are saying is making me feel uncomfortable. I think your comments are very inappropriate. Please stop."

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

When I've been in this situation, I've said: "What you are saying is making me feel uncomfortable. I think your comments are very inappropriate. Please stop."

That sounds like a good and assertive response. I kind of envy people who enjoy massages. It is something that raises my anxiety level just thinking about it, probably because I imagine scenarios like what happened to you LW. Sorry this happened.

[WePow]

I also wish I could enjoy massage therapy. My T gets that type of therapy and says he enjoys it as "safe" touch. When I was asking him about it (because I am kinda thinking about trying to find a massage therapist) he told me that he tells his clients they have to set up boundaries. He calls them "no fly zones" :-)

[Living Well]

I've been to see him about 10 times. He's always been fine but last time it was like he was "trying his luck". I've found that when someone is treading that fine line between trying to maintain a professional appearance, and seeing how far they can go, they usually get really agro when confronted and I can't handle agro on that level, I just feel too weak and scared.

I've even let one friendship go because of her husband trying to come on to me at every opportunity. I felt that she needed to believe in her hubby more than my friendship so I retreated, she was in tears, not understanding what she had done wrong to change the friendship, she had done nothing wrong, it was a very sad.

Anyway, I diverge. I won't be seeing him again, coz I just don't want him touching my body again. My internal warning device has gone off and I need to listen to it. He did disability discounts. I can afford someone else, it is just longer between massages and that is worthwhile feeling comfortable.

I'm just as comfy with a male as I am a female, as long as they don't try anything. (I actually had a female masseuse try something once - that was just as gross). I've had hundreds of massages without any problem.

I spose I'm just disappointed and I have to recognise that and accept it. I had something that was working really well for my health and wellbeing and now it has to be stretched out a bit more. There is almost a grief associated with it because the treatment I was get up to this week was so beneficial. I really enjoyed going there and felt that I was getting really good benefit. Now that is gone .

I feel absolutely tongue tired with cancelling my next appointment. I think everyone knows what it is like when emotions overwhelms seemingly insignificant tasks. This guy really tried it on me, and as I lead the convo to safer ground, he was determined to take it back. In those situations I feel compelled to pretend someone is not doing something while they are trying to do it, as a way of being strong and saving face. It's like "I know exactly what you are doing and I can handle you, I will not give into showing my weakness". Where the real weakness is not being able to say, I don't feel comfortable with this discussion and I don't like the way you are looking at me" at the time and be done with it. I fear I will be left in a situation I won't be able to control and in some respects that is true. It is best not to confront someone who may not have your best interests at heart, when you alone with them. The important thing is to get out safely and I did that.

Now it is time to finalise that relationship. I know I can cancel an appointment without having to give a reason. But everything in me feels like a little girl again and it feels hard to go beyond that to assert myself as the strong, capable woman I now am.

Each of these experiences are growing steps..... not that I'm going to thank this guy for it. I'm just sitting with it for now.

I welcome continuing to dialogue about it here, thank you.

[Living Well]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Welcome to this forum, Living Well. I have two suggestions. One is to stop seeing this massage T! There are plenty of others to choose from, I would assume. How about seeing a woman massage T instead?

Two, if you think this person was inappropriate, can you report him, or does he have his own business?

Is this someone you've seen for a long time? Do you also see a psychotherapist? If so, you could discuss it with him/her. Your reaction seems totally appropriate. If you're uncomfortable with someone, just don't see that person anymore. Or am I missing something in this scenario?

It's his own business and I wouldn't feel the need to report him anyway. It would be he says, she says. I just don't want to go back, because of it, even though I found it enormously beneficial up to that point.

My medicare billing has a glitche in it atm. When it has been straightened out, next month, I can go back to my psychologist. I also have a psychiatrist who is also a psychotherapist. My meds are quite tricky, so that takes up a lot of the time though.

[Living Well]

oh, that's really nice to know bipolar! . I'm glad thing can have the tendency to blow over here... Thank you Farmer Girl. I'm really really stoked that things may be subsiding with one person at least

... Re: Massage Guy ... I think because I'm depressed I'm finding it harder to assert myself . I'm proud of myself that I made my appt for twice as long as I usually do so I had more time to give myself to handle the situation the best I can.

Opening it up and airing it I think has help heaps. Thanks x

Originally Posted by Living Well

oh, that's really nice to know bipolar! . I'm glad thing can have the tendency to blow over here... Thank you Farmer Girl. I'm really really stoked that things may be subsiding with one person at least

... Re: Massage Guy ... I think because I'm depressed I'm finding it harder to assert myself . I'm proud of myself that I made my appt for twice as long as I usually do so I had more time to give myself to handle the situation the best I can.

Opening it up and airing it I think has help heaps. Thanks x

LW, I think you and I just posted at the same time. I hope you see this. I hope you can move forward and allow us to get to know each other. I promise I didn't follow you here. I'm on this board many times a day. We're a good bunch of folk here on PC. It takes some time to get to know everyone and become familiar with their stories, but it is so worth the time. We learn so much from each other. So welcome to PC.

[Living Well]

Thank you Chris

[*freak*]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I wouldn't go back there if I were you...

Hugs if ok and I hope you find a better massage T soon

[Perna]

I would only go to a female therapist.

[Living Well]

I like your signature Perna. Condemnation oppresses. I once left an anti-violence organisation because they thought they were going to get peace through anger. It's not easy to find that point of peace in us to work from. I don't think it is realistic to expect to do it all the time, (don't think for a moment that I can't get very angry) but I think we need to at least understand cognitively that it is from that state of inner peace that real change happens. We all make mistakes and we all need to recalibrate as we go along in life. I don't have any answers, just ideas I try to incorporate into my life, one day at a time.

It's weird how I'm not prepared to get into a stouch with this man and his inappropriate behaviour. In my experience so far, I've found that people will deny directly to me physical sexual advances like trying to kiss, grabbing bum and boobs. I don't want to give the person, who I feel uncomfortable with, access to my feelings to invalidate them. Does that make sense? I think what I am prepared to do is say in an email that I don't want to continue massage therapy, that I've got great benefit out of it, Thank you.
Is there any benefit in saying "I get the sense that you are sexually attracted to me and that makes me feel uncomfy"? This situation may seem quite insignificant - but it is just the tip of the iceberg and in walking my way through this issue. As I work through the feelings and choices of this life circumstance, I'm also working through a lot of emotions under the waterline. I'm putting the issues in my life on slow mo and working through them mindfully if that makes sense.

[lynn P.]

I agree you shouldn't go back to this man and he was definitely out of line and unprofessional. Everyone knows there's good and creepy massage therapists. He may have been testing the waters - bringing up sex and see if the client bites. I would report him to the massage therapists board or say in an email - "its very unprofessional to mention sexual exploits while doing a massage".

[Living Well]

Thanks Lynn... for a strong, assertive, independent woman it never ceases to amaze me how far I still have to go in effectively managing situations where sexual boundaries are breached - but I can also look at it as I am taking responsibility for this issue and working on it - and for that I should be proud .... I hope your worry passes soon. Thanks for your clarity x

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Living Well

Thanks Lynn... for a strong, assertive, independent woman it never ceases to amaze me how far I still have to go in effectively managing situations where sexual boundaries are breached - but I can also look at it as I am taking responsibility for this issue and working on it - and for that I should be proud .... I hope your worry passes soon. Thanks for your clarity x

Thanks Living Well. I think you did the right thing by not mentioning anything, when it was happening, unless he went further. A person's vulnerable when they're laying there and its too bad this happened because its hard to feel comfortable even with another massage therapist. Its also very normal to basically freeze, not knowing what to do. Good for you with having your instincts sharp.

[likewater]

LivingWell, if there is any agency to report him to i would. If he does this to you , he does this and maybe more to other clients . I was assaulted by my chiropractor. He grabbed my boob under my bra. I never reported. Because of my ptsd i kinda dissociated when he did it and let him finish adjustment. I just never returned . His partner called to remind me to come back in and said ypu havent come would you like to schedule- i just said no thanks in a weird voice. He shortly ended partnership. I KNOW i wasnt only one. I always wish i had reported. Now i would. I was just, young , confused and scared. Also, i am so sorry that you were only trying to get
treatment and your provider was so inappropriate and unprofessional. What a jerk. Jerk is a mild term. I have other names i'd looove to call him.

[Living Well]

I sent him an email saying I felt uncomfortable with the last visit and that I would like to cancel my appointment. I didn't feel the need to go into why I felt uncomfortable - it's pretty obvious - and I don't want to get into a conversation with him about it.