[rise13eyond]

I really just have resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to have to deal with mental illness my whole life, and it will probably REALLY suck all that time, but I'm just tired of this cycle that's going. Sometimes things are normal, you know a mix of good days, bad days, and in between days, and then things start heading south, they get crummier and crummier and crummier until some point things collapse. I basically have crisis mode and always end up in the hospital. I mean of course after that things start to clear up but that just starts the whole thing over. It's not just that I'm sick of feeling terrible like that, I mean I am, but what I'm really just so frustrated with having to go to the hospital, but at the point I do I can't function at all, I can't be alone, I mean sad to say but one of us trying to hurt us is almost guaranteed, it almost feels like control has been lost, because reason just goes right out the window save for a moment of knowing to get to the ER or something. At the time there never seems to be an alternative.
But of course it's not fun staying in mental wards. There was a period of about a year, back before I got half my diagnosises, that I was in an out practically every month, and while that frequency didn't remain that high I was still in a hospital a ton. It's just it had been two years since I'd been there until now, so I thought I was doing great, but **** got out of control pretty fast. And that was pretty disappointing. I was disappointed in me, It felt like if everyone else wasn't then they should be.
It was a pretty well I guess average stay, it wasn't the worst stay I've had, but I couldn't have any of the things that keep me calm and comfortable (I also got a terrible migraine so there's that), and I had to leave my new cat alone. Honestly doing that really did me in. My poor baby is used to me and she loves me and she missed me like crazy, she wont let me out of her sigh now, she just wants constant attention. I just feel so bad about leaving her alone.