Kinda like inpatient?

At least going to new places or places I wasn't scarily sick at because it's the only place I get some sleep. The locked doors, fire alarms, nurses, security guards, etc. make me feel safe enough to actually rest. Everywhere else I go something traumatic to some degree happened. I talked about this in therapy yesterday and she was so happy I slept because I hadn't slept like all of 2023 (I slept a full 8 hours after my COVID shot and 13 hours one day when I moved into here but since then I've been assaulted, threatened, and humiliated so back to not sleeping. Other than that it's been 0-4 hours a night consistently).

I just got out of an IEA and I swear I slept like 20 hours a day after being transferred to the psych unit that I had never been to before. I got lectured by nurses and mental health technicians for sleeping so much, but fk 'em I really needed it.

I'm waiting to hear back if I get into an IP eating disorder unit or see if I can get some sort of financial aid for a residential that my insurance doesn't cover, and I'm sooooo fking excited and hope I can go because I have a feeling I'll sleep more than an hour at a time again. I feel like I fked up the intake appointment and underplayed how bad things are though and I'm afraid they'll say I'm not sick enough.

How do I break this habit? I seriously think this is the reason I get myself hospitalized 2-4 times a year and do so shittily as soon as I get out.

Makes sense that you feel safe in that setting. But the self sabotage immediately after leaving is what you need to work on changing. Having awareness is a good first step. I hope you are able to get into residential treatment. I think you’d feel safer there though I do expect you’d test them to the max.

I just thought about it and maybe I am "sick enough" for IP considering they have access to my labs and my potassium was only above 3.5 after potassium IV or pills, and other than that it has stayed between 2.4-3.5.

I need to come up with a plan in case I don't get into IP or residential because I sooo badly am craving that feeling of safety again and I just don't feel it here. I felt sooo good and safe to sleep and after sleeping like 20 hours a day for a few days with food locked up (because of me lol sorry anyone who was also there at the same time as me). Everybody on my team is so happy I slept before the year ended, otherwise it'd be "2023: no sleep for me." Although I did sleep more than 4 hours the first night at S's house and after my COVID shot and for a few straight days in April.

I'm going to try not to test them. I did my best during my last IP but at times emotional flashbacks left them thinking I was "scary" (exact word from charge nurse who discharged me). Even on my best days they have in my notes "impulsive."