[bllauben]

I had to take Nina to the vet one last time (see my thread "Nina" for my tribute to her).

Since then, I have been extremely depressed. I just want to cry all the time. I sleep anywhere from 11 to 12 hours a day (normally, I sleep 8-9 hours a day, no nap) with an hour long nap. I am barely eating (at first, I went 48 hours with eating just a hamburger and a couple pieces of candy). If I try to eat, I loose my appetite.

I have been very irritable with myself. Very anxious when I know there is no reason for it.

I have been forcing myself to do every day things like dishes, feeding my other pets and taking care of myself. I can honestly say that if I did not force myself to do anything, I might just lay in bed all day.

I have been more clumsy too.

I am finding myself obessing over if I did the right thing and feeling guilty I did it when I know that at the end, Nina is better off.

Not to mention, it bothers me that I could not bring myself to be in the room with her. I feel like I failed her. All I could do is kiss her on the head, cry and say, "So sorry. I'm so sorry." I wanted to be there, to hold her as she passed on, but I chickened out at the last minute.

I know it's going to take time, but I just don't know what to do right now. I miss Nina and my mind is playing games because I keep hearing and seeing her. The husband thought I was crazy until he saw her too. I just wish my heart did not ache as much as it does. Who knew you could get attached to a cat that quick.

--Beth

[Omers]

Hugs.You are grieving, all of this is part of the process. Be gentle with yourself.

losing a pet sucks. it's so hard...regardless if they have been around for a million years or just a short time. they tug at your heart.

be gentle. many people can not br9ing themselves to be with their pet at that final moment. you are not a bad owner...it is a scary thing if you have never gone through it before...& it can make you feel guilty, & awful & all sorts of stuff...besides the crap you already feel.

either way it is hard...no one will criticize you.

& neither will nina..as evidence jmy the fact she came back to visit you. all of my pets have stopped by to visit after they passed...some more than once. some still do years later. sometimes dogs i have watched have visited too. consider that a sign of love .you can still talk to her..her spirit will be around you...my best words are to not look for her as then she will not come...but when you lest expect it my "pets" tend to show themselves...just to check in.

kind of to let you know all is right here in our world & theirs.

stumpy

[Sabrina]

I am sorry!

[Queen of Chaos]

I lost an 11-month old pug puppy named Digit on January 3, 2001. Digit was rescued from a Missouri puppymill, so fragile she looked exactly like a starving mouse when I first saw her. She was born on Valentine's Day, 2000 - a single birth, immediately abandoned by her mother.

Digit stole my heart. I really had never seen anything as pitiful as she was when we adopted her and nobody expected she'd survive. She thrived with us! She was hyper, funny, into everything, every minute she was awake was entertaining. I never got anything accomplished because I was so totally drawn into her fun-filled world.

Then, approximately 9 months later, she started having the worst seizures our veterinarian said he'd ever tried to treat. We did everything humanly possible to help her. We had phone consultations with a specialist at Cornell University in N.Y. I can't honestly remember anything else that happened in the two months between when the seizures began and Digit died. When she died, I felt like I might die.

I was so angry - I'd never lost a puppy before. I felt like Digit had been cheated out of a future by a loathsome, irresponsible, greedy puppymill breeder. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. I didn't see it coming and I couldn't accept it. The one thing I absolutely could not get past was that Digit was at the veterinarian's clinic when she died; we'd left her there so he could monitor her one day, he called to say she was doing better and we could come visit her, we were there in 15 minutes only to be told she'd suffered cardiac arrest and died. That was 10 years ago and it still upsets me to know she died in an unfamiliar place without me - even though I know why and everyone was doing all they could do, I still cannot get past not being there.

For weeks, like you, bllauben, I was unconsolable! I could not deal with it. I SWORE I'd never own another dog as long as I lived, I'd never make myself vulnerable to grief like that again, I didn't want anything to do with my pug website, I didn't want to hear about rescue or anything else. I told everyone I knew I'd never, ever own another dog.

Guess what? On March 5, 2001, I came home to find multiple messages on my phone desperately wanting to know if I could rescue a 6-month old pug puppy 30-40 miles out-of-state because his owner's husband was threatening to kill him THAT NIGHT!

It was a freezing cold, windy, night. My husband and I grabbed our coats and jumped in the car to make the trip to Texas. I don't know where my resolve went! A couple of hours later we met a woman in a mall parking lot who said it was too dangerous for us to come to her house and she shoved a flea-covered, bag of bones puppy with almost constant vomiting and diarrhea into my arms where he instantly buried his face in my neck and literally clung to me for protection.

That pitiful little creature was my Jimbo! I love Jimbo more than I can explain. He is totally good-natured, highly intelligent, has no earthly idea he's a dog - and I've always believed something beyond happenstance brought us together. I believe the good Lord knew I needed Jimbo as much as Jimbo needed somebody!! I needed something to occupy my brain while my heart healed and Jimbo needed so much attention I didn't have time to cry.

It's the hardest thing on earth for me to lose a pet - I think I know how you feel right now. Time will help, it'll ease the rawness of the grief you feel right now and eventually I think you'll remember the good times much more than the sad times.

Nina, in my opinion, is at the Rainbow Bridge now. I believe there are special angels who love animals and have a special knack for tending to animals and making them feel safe who hold our little ones for us until we can someday be reunited with them. Nina wouldn't want you to be sad. You made her happy, you took good care of her and had the wisdom and courage to release her from pain. Maybe her spirit is trying to reach down and let you know she's O.K., she's happy, comfortable and she wants you to remember her with good thoughts, not heartache.

[shezbut]

(((bllauben)))

The pain that you're going through is incredibly miserable and so consuming. It is also very normal. You are in the grieving process.

How long before the misery ends varies. Some people are helped by adding another pet into their life after a few months, some people wait longer, and some never go back to pet owning. Those are all personal decisions ~ different for everyone.

Gentle hugs to you. I hope that your pain begins to gradually decrease soon and that you hold onto the good memories dearly. Nina will always have a special place in your heart.

[arcangel]

I don't know that I would want to "get over" it. I think I would want to absorb it and make the experience part of my soul. That's just my way of seeing it though. I sympathize with your pain. I really do. When I lose a pet I feel a complex mix of pain, regret, and anger. It takes a while to process it all and move on.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Beth! I lost my girl Xena yesterday and I'm feeling everything you're feeling. You did the right thing and you gave Nina the greatest gift of love. You ended her suffering. She would not want you to suffer too long either.

I hope you're doing a little better today. It will take time. For both of us. But having lost another dog 5 years ago, I do know that it does get better. And some day you will find another who will bring just as much love. And they will be lucky to have your love.

[choocha]

Originally Posted by bllauben

I had to take Nina to the vet one last time (see my thread "Nina" for my tribute to her).

Since then, I have been extremely depressed. I just want to cry all the time. I sleep anywhere from 11 to 12 hours a day (normally, I sleep 8-9 hours a day, no nap) with an hour long nap. I am barely eating (at first, I went 48 hours with eating just a hamburger and a couple pieces of candy). If I try to eat, I loose my appetite.

I have been very irritable with myself. Very anxious when I know there is no reason for it.

I have been forcing myself to do every day things like dishes, feeding my other pets and taking care of myself. I can honestly say that if I did not force myself to do anything, I might just lay in bed all day.

I have been more clumsy too.

I am finding myself obessing over if I did the right thing and feeling guilty I did it when I know that at the end, Nina is better off.

Not to mention, it bothers me that I could not bring myself to be in the room with her. I feel like I failed her. All I could do is kiss her on the head, cry and say, "So sorry. I'm so sorry." I wanted to be there, to hold her as she passed on, but I chickened out at the last minute.

I know it's going to take time, but I just don't know what to do right now. I miss Nina and my mind is playing games because I keep hearing and seeing her. The husband thought I was crazy until he saw her too. I just wish my heart did not ache as much as it does. Who knew you could get attached to a cat that quick.

--Beth

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. I wreaked havoc with my mind too, when my cat (Dude) died a year ago. I blamed myself terribly & went so far as to nearly give my 4 other pets away, believing I was a bad mum. All you can do in regards to the self-guilt etc is to constantly remind yourself it is irrational thinking & the things you are thinking about yourself are simply not true. The only things which I found eased my pain were time (frustrating) & having the other 4 to help me get through it. All the best xo

Hey Beth! How are you doing today? Is it getting even a little easier? Hope you're doing well.