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Unhappy Jun 08, 2022 at 05:37 PM
  #1
I said goodbye to my dog this afternoon. The vet came to my place, which was amazing. He went very peacefully and didn't seem to be in any pain. Just fell asleep. I am glad his suffering is over. The last few days were very difficult for him.

I'm also feeling very guilty about feeling relieved. Not that his suffering is over, that I'm happy about, but about my suffering being lessened. I will cry and cry and cry for that boy and mourn him until the end of my time, but seeing him decline and suffer was taking it's toll on me. And I feel selfish for feeling some relief about that.

I appreciate all the notes and hugs on my last post about this. That support really helped. I don't know if any of you were wondering about the followup, but here it is.

My heart is broken.
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Default Jun 08, 2022 at 07:24 PM
  #2
(*(*(*(*AgentQ9A*)*)*)*)

I'm so sorry you had to put your dog down. Nice for your pooch that the vet came to your house.

I don't believe there is anything "wrong" about feeling relief that your stress about him is lessened. I felt something similar when I had to put my Lab down. He'd been going downhill for awhile. His care was physically and emotionally draining. I missed him something horrible. Still miss him years later, but I felt relief that I no longer had to care for him.

Please be kind to yourself. Might sound odd, but I believe we can feel relief and grieve at the same time.
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Default Jun 08, 2022 at 07:44 PM
  #3
Thank you @lizardlady. I just miss him so much already. Having him pass on his own bed and blanket, in his own home, makes it hurt a little less.

I've always felt guilty for anything good in my life. I never felt I deserved it. Still don't. But I'll try to be gentle with myself for the next little bit, while I grieve.

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Default Jun 09, 2022 at 11:18 AM
  #4
HUGS AgentQ9A

I am so sorry for you to be in grief. It is so hard to say goodbye to our babies. I am very happy that the vet was able to come to your house and make your baby as comfortable as possible. I also do not think there is anything wrong with feeling relief. When I said goodbye to my dear sweet Esther last year, there was a sense of relief for me as well. She had been sick with Diabetes for so long and the shots and the special food and the hospitalizations and the blood tests, etc. were taking their toll on all of us! I cried and cried when I said goodbye and I am even getting weepy now. But the relief was there too. I hope you can take comfort in your memories and hopefully in the pictures and videos that you have of your baby.

I agree with lizardlady: be kind and gentle with yourself right now. It is hard to go through the grieving process. Allow yourself as much time as you need. Keep talking here if it helps. You are among friends.

Holding you in my thoughts today. Gentle hugs, Kit

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Default Jun 09, 2022 at 12:51 PM
  #5
Thank you @SlumberKitty. Of all of the loses in my life, this one has hit me hardest. Might just be me getting older and struggling to deal with my emotions, but this hurts really bad. The only reason I'm still alive is my two dogs and now one of them is gone. The tears come in giant waves and I can't stop them. But then when they do stop I feel guilty. I thought by now I'd be empty, but they don't stop.

I am forever grateful that I knew he was going to die soon. With my other dogs over the years, it seemed that I had to put them to sleep the day I found out something was wrong. To be able to have the extra time was a blessing. We went to the big park a couple of times so he could be outside and feel the breeze and sunshine and the smells. As the vet was giving him the first sleeping shot, she had me feed him peanut butter (his favorite). The last thing he ever did was lick my fingers. And then he was gone.

Wow, does this hurt so much.

My other dog is sleeping in the bedroom as she usually does. I feel incredibly lonely right now. I stare at his bed and he's not there and I feel all alone with this grief. I go see her often to check to see that she's OK. Maybe she just doesn't understand yet. On my last check I told her how lonely I was and how I wish she would check on me. I know it doesn't matter to her, yet.

Thank you again for your kind words. I know you understand.
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Default Jun 09, 2022 at 07:37 PM
  #6
I'm so sorry. I've been there more than once. As tough as that decision is, you did it for the right reason - to minimize your dog's suffering.
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Default Jun 09, 2022 at 08:28 PM
  #7
Thanks @rechu. I do feel, this time, that I made the decision at the right time. He could have had a couple more days, but he was so miserable the last day. Those wouldn't have been good days. Would have been more for me than him and I didn't want that. His suffering is over. I'm happy to have taken it away from him.


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Default Jun 11, 2022 at 11:15 AM
  #8
Sorry for your loss.
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Default Jun 11, 2022 at 05:02 PM
  #9
You did the right thing @AgentQ9A. I am sorry for your loss. I have been there myself.
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Default Jun 12, 2022 at 08:19 AM
  #10
Thanks @Gingernutx and @downandlonely. It means a great deal to me.

Things have been weird. When taking my other dog on long walks in the morning, I almost start to feel happy, which I haven't felt in a while. Then I feel guilty. Yesterday I was busy with things and then realized that I hadn't thought about my missing dog most of the day. Then I really felt guilty and down on myself. I guess I have this idea that my grief would take months and that I'd never recover, but that hasn't been the case. I read that having anticipatory grief can cause post grief to be lessened. I did cry buckets of tears while he was still here and spent lots of time showing and telling him how much I loved him. I know grief can work differently and that months from now I could just break down again, just seemed weird that I was mostly OK yesterday.

I have not really doubted my decision. I did the right thing and as close to the right time as I could. I've had LOTS of guilt about previous dogs, but not this time. I guess I learned how to let them go.

My other dog is now spending time with me in the evening without me blocking her from the bedroom. That's been nice. She's a great dog too. I think I learned that I need to do more when she's alive, and I'm going to do that.

This grief business is just weird and sucks. I still miss my boy like crazy, but I'm not in that deep dark place as much. I need to learn that the guilt about that comes with the territory.
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Default Jun 13, 2022 at 02:54 PM
  #11
Your boy was so lucky to find such a loving caring human who gave him a good life.

Be kind to yourself Agent, grief is weird, it isn’t linear.
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Default Jun 14, 2022 at 01:08 PM
  #12
Just got a call that my boy's ashes are ready to be picked up. I guess that's about as final as it gets. Happy to have him home again.

Last edited by Anonymous40506; Jun 14, 2022 at 01:21 PM..
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Default Jun 15, 2022 at 10:01 AM
  #13
Sending you hugs and love AgentQ9A

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Default Jun 15, 2022 at 10:25 AM
  #14
He's home.

I have a little space where I have the remains and pictures of my other dogs. I put him right in the middle, surrounded by his family. I'm glad he's home. And very, very sad.
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Default Jun 17, 2022 at 11:29 PM
  #15
Quote:
Originally Posted by AgentQ9A View Post
I said goodbye to my dog this afternoon. The vet came to my place, which was amazing. He went very peacefully and didn't seem to be in any pain. Just fell asleep. I am glad his suffering is over. The last few days were very difficult for him.

I'm also feeling very guilty about feeling relieved. Not that his suffering is over, that I'm happy about, but about my suffering being lessened. I will cry and cry and cry for that boy and mourn him until the end of my time, but seeing him decline and suffer was taking it's toll on me. And I feel selfish for feeling some relief about that.

I appreciate all the notes and hugs on my last post about this. That support really helped. I don't know if any of you were wondering about the followup, but here it is.

My heart is broken.
That is terrible. Please know you will be over it someday but until then it will hurt.

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