[MaybeTomorrow]

I posted this in 'New Member Introductions' but I thought I'd post it here too. Hope that's okay!

Hello there! I'm Stephanie and I have an addiction to food. I don't believe I will ever not enjoy food, but I don't want to be in love with it anymore. I'm not sure if I fit into Compuslive Overeating or Binge Eating. I have a lot of symptoms from both but either way I know whatever I have is an unhealthy Eating Disorder.

I woke up last night at 4 am feeling very hot and uncomfortable with my body. Just a few hours before I had binged on quite a lot of food when the previous day I had told myself and my close ones that I was "starting over tomorrow".

The amount of times I have said that... well, I've lost count. Why is it that I always need to start tomorrow? I never start now.

I knew that I couldn't go another day with this relationship I have with food. So instead of going online and searching for a self-help book on how to lose weight or another fad diet, I decided to Google "addicted to food". After much reading and many quizzes later, I now know that I am not alone.

I've known for a few years now that my relationship with food is not a normal one. I grew up on fast food and restaurant meals more than home cooked ones. It was my normal. Obesity wasn't the case with my family, we were all average in size and we just loved to eat. It made us happy, it's what we did on social occasions and if we wanted to drive 3 hours to get something good to eat, we would!

Fast forward some years and now I'm obese (on the verge of overweight), a yo-yo dieter and think about food more than anything else. My Facebook feed is filled with photographs of all the bakeries and restaurants I like, I could talk about food all day long and I've made food a hobby instead of a necessity.

I've come here to join what seems like a really helpful community. I have a book I just bought that I believe is going to really help me out (Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating by Gillian Riley) but I also feel that I need people that can relate to me.

I have the most supportive husband I could ask for. He was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II and Depression. Although he is the total opposite of me when it comes to food (he could take or leave it), he understands that what I am going through is tough. I just would like to meet people who have an Eating Disorder and that can help me, and hopefully vice versa.

A year ago I lost quite a lot of weight in a couple of months and then put it all back again. I've done this about four times now. It's becoming the story of my life!

Only a couple of weeks ago I was exercising and eating healthily. I was happy and proud of myself, lost a fair amount of weight. Then I went away for a few days and made the decision (that I always make) that a couple of days eating junk food wouldn't hurt. That of course was a mistake.

I now know that my goal can not be to lose weight. Losing weight will be a bonus. I am no longer going to weigh myself, take before/afters or even measure myself. My main goal is to fix my relationship with food and improve my self esteem. This is a lifestyle change, not one that will be made overnight or in a couple of months. I'm willing to put in the effort and I'm ready to begin this new journey. I know I'll make mistakes but I am no longer going to feel guilty about eating something I shouldn't.

This is a new approach and one I have never taken before. I'm telling my family to respect my wishes of not asking how my weight is, if I have exercised yet, what I will be eating, etc. I want to keep this private and if I want to talk about it, then I will. If I don't have that pressure then I feel I can do things without feeling guilty. This doesn't mean that I am going to be careless. In fact, this means I'm going to be even more careful but knowing that if I have a little slip up, it's okay and no one is going to judge me for it.

If you've read this far, thank you. It's always hard making introductions. I really look forward to hearing back from people and hopefully becoming part of this community.

[spondiferous]

Hey there, MaybeTomorrow, welcome to PC.
I can relate to so much of what you posted. I have had a lifelong struggle with food, overeating, bingeing, and purging. At 34, I am just now in a program to help me address my eating disorder. I had to address some other things first (alcoholism, drug addiction, mental health issues) before I could get to a place where I could look at my eating disorder. But I am here, and I am doing the work.
So many times I have said 'Tomorrow'. So many times I have gone to bed so full that I feel like I am literally going to split open. And so many times I have done it all - and worse - the very next day. I too am tired of the insanity. And I too know that it cannot be about losing weight because, although I would like to be within a healthier weight range, my primary concern is to develop a healthy relationship with food, my feelings, my body, and the world around me.
I look forward to seeing you around the forum and if you need to vent or need someone to talk to in a moment of stress or feeling down you can feel free to PM me.