[Cherry73]

Hello everyone. I have never posted here before but I probably should have. I have had issues with eating since I was about 13, which was way back in 1986. I was a dancer from a very very young age and loved dancing with all that I am. Once I became a teenager things got more serious with my dancing. My body started changing and I didn't know what to do but I did know I needed to be thin because the thinner you were the better parts you would get. Food for me played many different rolls in my life. Because I was dancing, performing, and even in competitions things got very serious. My mother monitored my food and made separate meals for me than the rest of the family. I exercised a lot along with the dancing. I was thin very thin like a size 0-2 and still thought I needed to be thinner. Holidays would come or birthdays and I would take a piece of cake and my mother would say, Put that down you don't want to get any fatter. I would become so angry but there wasn't even anything I could do. I got used to her telling me don't eat this don't eat that etc. Well I had all these angry emotions building up inside and since in my families presence I couldn't eat any sweet things so I started hiding cakes and cupcakes and candies in a shoebox in my closet. I would get so angry at my mom I would go into my room and lock the room and eat everything in my shoe box cursing my mom with each and every bit. Once the box was void of sweets the guilt would set in and I would start crying and be scared someone would find out so I started purging. It seemed like my only solution and no one had any idea about any of it. This went on for quite some time until I got even thinner and stopped having a period all together. One day I had an audition and I needed my uniform from the laundry room and I didn't think anyone was in the living room so I took the chance in my leotard and ran down to the basement. Well my dad was sitting on the couch and he was shocked to see what I looked like without all my big baggy clothes. After that day I had to go to outpatient eating disorder clinic and had to pee in a cup and get vitamin b shots and was weighed on a regular basis. Everyone thought I had a handle on the situation after a while and I did quit purging and binge eating but what they didn't know was I went to the other end of the spectrum and just stopped eating. Not eating wasn't quite so easy for me because I like food so I needed help to not eat and its the eighties so I discovered cocaine. Things went on like this for some time a few years actually until I got hurt. I blew out my knee skiing and that put an end to having a career in dance. I was able to dance a little while longer for me but no more competitions and not long after I had to stop altogether. This blindsided me completely. I had my life all planned around my dancing so now I had no clue what the hell I was supposed to do. Naturally I turned to food and I ate and ate and ate. I got heavier and heavier because now not only am I eating all kinds of stuff that is bad for me but I am no longer exercising in any way. It didn't take very long to get very very fat. Fast forward some years and eventually I reached my maximum weight. I was now obese and my health was getting worse and worse and I had to take medications for high blood pressure and high cholesterol, anemia problems and a whole host of other issues. My body was also falling apart. I ended up having 3 knee surgeries and am now at the present time awaiting bilateral knee replacements. Also I have all kinds of spinal cord problems and I need back surgery. After having to walk with a cane and falling down occasionally and pretty much just overall being disgusted with myself, I sought out and found a bariatric surgeon. I was accepted into their program and you had to have all kinds of tests and take classes on nutrition and learn how to eat properly to make the surgery a success. Now due to all the health issues I had because of the excess weight I was not able to have the gastric bypass but the gastric sleeve was the right surgery for me. I had the surgery in december of 2012 and have lost a good amount of weight so far. I am quite pleased with myself. I no longer have to take a lot of the medications and overall I feel a lot better and the constant chronic pain has lowered some in its intensity. My physical issues have gotten worse due to wear and tear and surgery is needed to fix some of my issues and since I an a single mother of two small kids I had to move into my parents basement for the help. Obviously this is not where I wanted to be in my life at 40 and my kids are not really happy about having to move 800 miles away from everything they have ever known into a house with their grandparents who they had only ever met twice. As I am sure you can imagine this situation is not ideal and my children who both have ADHD and my daughter who also has ODD have both been acting out. My son seems to have some other issues that we are working on a weekly basis with his therapist and pdoc. My daughter is also seeing a therapist weekly and a pdoc. I recently found both myslef thank goodness. I assume because of all these many many changes and difficulities I have started binge eating again. It has gotten to the point that have stretched out my pouch some and can eat more food than I am supposed to be able to. It hasn't gotten to to bad yet because I am still continuing to lose weight each month but the amounts are getting much much smaller and last month I only lost a few pounds. My parents can tell I am not losing like I used to and have also started giving me a hard time about . I need help but I am scared of anyone finding out what I have been doing but I am more afraid of gaining weight and my parents finding out and kicking us out because on disability I cannot afford to live anywhere even remotely near here. I believe I am also sleep eating because I have been waking up with wrappers on the table next to my bed and I have no memory of eating those things. I posted here because it would be very helpful to talk to someone who understands and wont judge and make fun of me. Sorry so long just didn't know how else to get out the whole story. Thanks in advance for reading all of my ramblings..

[gayleggg]

Hi, Cherry73. It must have been terrible for you to have give dancing. I can understand how you could turn to food to soothe the pain you were feeling. And overcoming a eating disorder is hard to do but you did that and you lost a lot of weight. You must be honest with your therapist and your family so they can help you through this. You beat once you can beat it again.

[Grey Matter]

Welcome, we're here for you.