[SoOverEating]

Its tongue in cheek I suppose, but I am really at wits end(munch, there goes another piece of cherry turnover). Thank you to all whom have come before me and to whom I hope to learn and mimic their successful path.

My name is Sam, I am a 47 yo father, well, of grown children. My wife is has given me her best for 26 years and hopefully we will live together forever.(munch, munch). I fled from a life of cPTSD, childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse at the hands of my parents and very poor life choices that resulted in debt, anxiety and stress and a slew of other issues identified by the Sanity test as General Coping, Anxiety, Self Esteem, Eating Disorders and Technology Issues.

I am in a job I did not want. I fulltime RV with my wife, we usually work part time trading for site and some hourly pay. I am in a job now where I am in charge of everything and I am overwhelmed. The other guy quit and they asked me, I said yes. I am being bullying and worse by the other guys friends.

Thanks for reading this,
Sam

[SoOverEating]

Possible trigger:

I was sexually abused by a family member from 6 to about 10. My body betrayed me, it liked it. Not the physical part, but I obsessed over that later. The attention, the one-on-one, the closeness.., it was so rewarding. Then the rejection, I was not cool enough, I was too needy. The family member moved on to the younger sibling. He was the favorite. The family member it would turn out was sexually abused by a landlord when she was about 4. My parents did not know, how could they, it was 1960's, that sort of thing was not talked about, much less cared for or therapy.

My parents were physical punishers. I remember intense pain, bruises, heat rashes and blood. My father was told by an older sibling she was afraid of him. He took her into another room and beat her.

Why tell you this? I confronted them in 2011. They, well.., they have apologised as they could. I am okay with that after years of therapy.

Not a good place my youth, I cannot remember much of it,
Sam

[SoOverEating]

What an incredibly safe place, isolation. Like a warm blanket, covers over me and secludes me from.., all. I learned to go to isolation, disconnection whenever I had had enough of resentment, lies, bitterness and arguing. The family would leave after I had feigned sickness. Alone, I would explore the house, quite, but not afraid. Well, afraid of robbers and school authorities trying to disturb me. But not afraid of rejection nor physical abuse. Everything was available to me, nothing was off limits, within reason. I could have bowls of cereal if the box was not new nor almost gone. Bread with sugar, mayo or pb&j's. Milk, cheese, it was the "Chocolate Factory" and I was "Charlie", wow, complete freedom. Until the car rode up in the drive. Then race to clean up and race upstairs, blanket over my head, eyes wide as saucers, ears at doppler radar strength, terrified.

Food= safety, isolation and freedom. It's mine, no one elses.

Sam

[SoOverEating]

The piles of food were plenty when company came a'knocking. I could have some and then some more. Well, till I got the look. I could not take the last of it unless it was offered. I could not reach over the person between me and food. I was laughing, joking, playing, enjoying with food with company. Not with family, not alone. Tense, calculated, stressful. The looks, the sideways glances. Dad would eventually eat in another room. Mom would try to engaged us, but she did not lock up the beast, so there was a monster in feet away, how could we? But we dare not, or we would be punished.

Food=with others, good and fulfilling, with family not so much, at all.
Sam