[Anrea]

I sometimes here myself think that phrase," Let the Eating Begin". It sounds like a rally cry, like a race horse let out of the stall.

I don't like eating. But I am addicted to it.

The thoughts of food feel like cravings - like a little pushy voice that gets louder and louder. Like a champagne bubble pressuring the cork, and if I release the cork - the eating begins.

I don't think I binge like how TV describes binging (7 chickens under the bed). Mine is more constant, relentless. Something every half hour or hour. A sandwich, a coffee, a salad, a drink, another drink, a popsicle, a apple, some pickles, a chocolate milk, a meal, a cookie, a tea, another 4 cookies, 2 more sandwiches, an egg..... That is an example of my daily routine. Maybe if I was a farmer I might need that, but being disabled, and home bound - I don't need it. If anyone knows if constant grazing falls under the category of binging, please let me know.

My digestion doesn't work the same as it used to. I am often constipated (crammed full?). Or just digesting slow. I wonder if things are twisted. I wonder if everything is so out of shape if there are pockets. I just don't know. At least 2 times a week I start the day with 4 tall glasses of chicken bullion to do a flush (to feel better, and so I can begin again).

Eating too much makes me puke sometimes. I don't make myself throw up, sometimes my stomach aches so much it does bring food back up. Then I throw that up, but it isn't like throwing up when you have the flue, it is more, just emptying the over- fullness. I do feel better after I throw up, but I don't throw up in a way that makes me bulimic I don't think. (correct me if I am wrong). I tried to make myself become bulimic for weight loss and some control over food, but that part of the addiction never stuck. Just sometimes food come back up into my mouth and I re-chew and swallow or throw it up, either one.

I don't like my husband to hear how often I open the fridge. We often sleep different shifts, and then I am more free to eat. I wouldn't feel comfortable eating in front of people, or going to family eating gatherings.

I feel like I am an intelligent person that understands motivations, and moods. I am very reasonable, in spite of having BPD and BP. But I cannot understand my food addiction, and cannot seem to get past it. It is like fighting a vapor cloud, it just totally encompasses me and I am overcome. If I think I won't be allowed to eat I panic. If I have to go somewhere for a couple hours, I bring an apple or something small, just as a security.

I have no shame, so sharing on here won't work to get me to eat less in that way. Because my husband is supportive and emotionally available, I don't feel threatened to eat less. I try to be busier, now that it is spring, and go in the yard at least once a day - that helps (being mentally busy with an activity). I don't eat because I am bored, although boredom may contribute to how slow time seems to go in between eating....

I am hoping anyone with any experience, impression, opinion, or knowledge will share as much or as little as they want - and perhaps some people might identify, which would be great. Support is great - maybe somehow we will hit on some key - some clue as to how to understand where within us this addiction comes from - then maybe I could fight it. If I thought it was based on something, like insecurity maybe I could fight it. My eating makes me insecure, but I don't think I eat because of it. I really eat because I think about food all the time and I am happier preparing that food and cramming it into me - then when I am done, even if I am fullish feeling (I don't really feel 'full' ever anymore)..... I start planning my next food assault.

i overeat all the time and can understand how frustrating it can be.

i have good days and bad days.. yesterday, for example from 12 pm in the afternoon until about 7 in the evening, i just ate.. crackers, candy sticks, a meal of fish and chips, a pack of chocolate bars, and some cookies- and i'm talking nonstop.. it was just what ever i was doing- tv, listening to music, what ever.. i was eating

it's like SH for me- if i don't do it, i start to suffer and need to so i can't win

on better days, it's not as bad as non stop eating, but still pretty bad.

the voice you mentioned.. it does make sense (go to the cookies, open that bag of chocolate), butt once you give in.. 1 turns in to 20 and you just had another bad day
i've felt the need to puke before during overeating, but never actually have done- it's like the feelings their, and you want to release it- it just can't come out

and i've had a bad stomach before through doing it.. just hurting so much you feel like you want to just lie down and die.

welcome!. i hope you continue to post here

[Anrea]

I am eating as I read your response. Thank you for responding.

While I am eating I am sooo happy to be eating. I am not happy that I eat, or how much I eat, but I am happy while eating (if I can ignore the guilt, I think sometimes I may feel guilty while I am eating).

I often eat fast, because while waiting to eat I was craving so much, I indulge during.

Sorry if some of what I write seems obvious or silly, I am hoping documenting in detail what I do and feel regarding this will give me more insights as to what the heck is going on.

<3 Psych Central!

[Nimportequoi]

Hello and welcome Anrea
I'm food addicted too so I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. What you described as "grasing" in your first post is called "protracted eating". I read about it in a book about BED so yuh it's related.
What you write about food coming up again sometimes- that could be that your stomach sphincter is fatigued. I sometimes have this as well I'll have heartburn than.
The gastric acid can assail your esophagus. So that would probably be sth to go to the doctor's for if you have it more often.

[Anrea]

Thank you for the info, what do you all think of keeping a food diary on here - to chart what we eat. On this forum I mean.

[cheshiregrins]

I'm a food addict too but I would consider myself "sober" for the most part, unless I get really depressed and turn to junk food to cope.
I struggled for years until I realized that food/sugar is simply a drug and I'm not eating it because I want to but because I'm addicted. The only way to stop was to stop the drug, sugar mainly because it's more addictive than cocaine. It's not food, it's a drug. Wheat also gave me cravings because it's essentially just sugar when it breaks down, so I switched to a plant based, lower carb sugar/wheat free diet and the cravings stopped. It takes about 3 days of white knuckling it but then the cravings pass and you lose the taste for sugar.
I don't have an eating disorder anymore after I switched to this diet, and only those times when I'm completely depressed and hopeless will I fall off the wagon, but then I just go back to my regular diet and am fine.
But like with any other type of addiction, Ill always be a food addict and have to eat a careful diet and make sure not to fall off the wagon.

Sugar addiction: pushing the drug-sugar analogy to the limit. - PubMed - NCBI

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by cheshiregrins

I'm a food addict too but I would consider myself "sober" for the most part, unless I get really depressed and turn to junk food to cope.
I struggled for years until I realized that food/sugar is simply a drug and I'm not eating it because I want to but because I'm addicted. The only way to stop was to stop the drug, sugar mainly because it's more addictive than cocaine. It's not food, it's a drug. Wheat also gave me cravings because it's essentially just sugar when it breaks down, so I switched to a plant based, lower carb sugar/wheat free diet and the cravings stopped. It takes about 3 days of white knuckling it but then the cravings pass and you lose the taste for sugar.
I don't have an eating disorder anymore after I switched to this diet, and only those times when I'm completely depressed and hopeless will I fall off the wagon, but then I just go back to my regular diet and am fine.
But like with any other type of addiction, Ill always be a food addict and have to eat a careful diet and make sure not to fall off the wagon.

Sugar addiction: pushing the drug-sugar analogy to the limit. - PubMed - NCBI

Excellent news. You had a breakthrough and were able to change cold turkey once you got to that point. Somewhat how a smoker just stops.

When I smoked, it wasn't the nicotine I was addicted too, but the action of smoking. When I quit, off and on for months I would still crave the business. It has been a few years since I stopped, and the wish to smoke only comes a couple times a year.

Being on a severe budget forces me to add items that cost less then $.06 cents an ounce to my diet. Of course, probably if I ate less, I could do that less. But noodles, rice, dry beans are all a part of the diet. I try to eat a lot of vegs, and enjoy them more then just sugar all the time. I don't eat that much sugar - I do eat a lot of salt.

Mainly I think a change of food intake is not the only problem in my case. I appreciate the suggestion, I just wish it didn't seem like you were saying, "3 days to a cure", after you spent years struggling, you probably could remember that it isn't quite that easy.

I have a 7 layer salad. Enough for probably 10 servings. It will be gone in under 3 days if I don't limit myself. I am making broccoli soup at the moment. It will be probably 7 12 cups of completed soup. Should last a few days. I will probably freeze 1 or 2 servings but the rest will be gone by tomorrow unless I monitor myself.

So you see, it isn't just cookies and ice cream - it is all and any food I have on hand. Anything will do, and if the cupboard has nothing in it but instant potato- then that is what I binge on. It is just foood, foood, food.

Maybe your right, and I should just be able to stop. At this moment, I have no cravings and it seems logical that I will be able to do just that.

(additionally, when I go on a cabbage soup diet - which is no flour and sugar, I binge on that, or w/e vegs or fruit I am allowed to have - and that diet is a 7 day diet. The binges still exist). Please continue your suggestions. I don't mean to sound like I am arguing. It I could target the need for the addiction, what emotional fulfillment am I getting out of it - then I think I could fight it better.

[cheshiregrins]

A lot of it is behaviour too, of course. The lack of sugar stops the physical cravings for me, so then it's easier to change my behaviour. I still get the compulsion "need" type behaviour that pretty much any addict feels. For me it's being alone, lack of connection to the world, lack of safety- I need something to hold onto! If I'm stuffed with food I feel less alone , or if I'm starving my hunger pains keep me company but if neither of those are present, I get antsy. When I was IP and had a safe place to live for awhile surrounding by people, I lost 5lbs and didn't think about food. Then I got discharged, came home and pretty much lived in my fridge for awhile before I got it under control. It's this neeeeed that consumes me that has nothing to do with food. It comes down to human connection for me. I go crazy alone. I don't feel safe. Everyone has different issues. Mine stems from abandonment trauma. I never learned self-soothing/how to be okay alone. I'm getting better at it now though.

I live alone now still but since my cravings are under control, I rarely binge. I also only stock my house with healthy food and freeze extras right away. My fridge is usually empty actually and I just shop more often. I can't be trusted with peanut butter or cereal in my house or any type of binge food. I drink a huge mug of decaf in the evening to keep me from snacking and to curb my appetite. Those little things help. Spending as little time in the kitchen as possible. Feel like bingeing? Go for a walk instead.

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by cheshiregrins

A lot of it is behaviour too, of course. The lack of sugar stops the physical cravings for me, so then it's easier to change my behaviour. I still get the compulsion "need" type behaviour that pretty much any addict feels. For me it's being alone, lack of connection to the world, lack of safety- I need something to hold onto! If I'm stuffed with food I feel less alone , or if I'm starving my hunger pains keep me company but if neither of those are present, I get antsy. When I was IP and had a safe place to live for awhile surrounding by people, I lost 5lbs and didn't think about food. Then I got discharged, came home and pretty much lived in my fridge for awhile before I got it under control. It's this neeeeed that consumes me that has nothing to do with food. It comes down to human connection for me. I go crazy alone. I don't feel safe. Everyone has different issues. Mine stems from abandonment trauma. I never learned self-soothing/how to be okay alone. I'm getting better at it now though.

I live alone now still but since my cravings are under control, I rarely binge. I also only stock my house with healthy food and freeze extras right away. My fridge is usually empty actually and I just shop more often. I can't be trusted with peanut butter or cereal in my house or any type of binge food. I drink a huge mug of decaf in the evening to keep me from snacking and to curb my appetite. Those little things help. Spending as little time in the kitchen as possible. Feel like bingeing? Go for a walk instead.

This is extremely helpful and has given me a direction to look at. I need to break down my emotions revolving around the full feeling. When I feel stuffed to slight pain it does take away..... something - some NEED (good word, thank you!).

[Nimportequoi]

For me it's the same, it's not just sugar but any kind of food. Still, it does make a difference regarding the severity of an eating attack whether it's chocolate or carrots I'm eating. Also, I'll have cravings for specific kinds of food (usually those with lots of fat in them, sugar, also).
For me, keeping a food diary, nope. My eating behavior is totally controlled by my emotions. I can controll myself for a week maybe. But the inner pressure will get worse and worse, until it's unbearable. And consciously screening my eating behavior leeds to severe depression, which only makes everything worse.
It's interesting, there are three different PDs who are statistically especially endangered to develop BED. Borderline, avoidant and compulsive. Obviously they all have in common strong emotions that need to be controlled (I didn't check anyone's user profiles, so don't know if this applies to anyone here). I can't relate to abandonment issues, but sth that triggers eating attacks in me (being an AvPD) is the feeling that I am incromprehensible, that nobody will ever understand me empathically, and that nobody will ever even care about how I feel anyway. Therefore, I'm dis-connected from people forever, even if they are present in the same room. It's like I can't "give" my emotions into the hands of someone other, who accepts and embraces and understands them. I know that's kind of melodramatic and it doesn't fit reality completely, but that's what my mind keeps telling me.

So much good info here, I heard your rally cry - and I am like Xena warrior princess with it!

I too often feel sick with sugar and my hormones are going nuts because I have been rather bad with it these past few months that my skin has even broken out for the first time in years and my cycle is all out of sync. Having depression so much of my diet is also attributed to my mood rhythms. I have no doubt if I sorted my eating out my depression would be a lot easier to manage, both are out of control because the food has always blanketed the other.

Nimportequoi I get so much of what you are saying! and it is not melodramatic, I always feel that is how people perceive me so I keep those thoughts to myself. I am also an introvert and avoidant type personality, it is an ongoing joke that friends only see me once or twice a year even when they only live a short distance away and to be honest some days I think I would not have a single friend left if social media or texting didn't exist, I often think of that old Simon & Garfunkle song "I am a rock" in social situations because that is how I feel and not even by choice. I am lonely I think?, but I just don't want to spend time with anyone I don't need too, it leaves me drained. I spend an awful lot of the time when I am not having to be a parent or working disconnecting either though loud music, reading or eating just to feel something or stop my mind from going to certain trains of thought or just feeling low

Sorry for the rant off topic folk, it is just "nice" for lack of a better word to find others who get what I am going through

[Anrea]

Originally Posted by soggyweetbix

So much good info here, I heard your rally cry - and I am like Xena warrior princess with it!

I too often feel sick with sugar and my hormones are going nuts because I have been rather bad with it these past few months that my skin has even broken out for the first time in years and my cycle is all out of sync. Having depression so much of my diet is also attributed to my mood rhythms. I have no doubt if I sorted my eating out my depression would be a lot easier to manage, both are out of control because the food has always blanketed the other.

Nimportequoi I get so much of what you are saying! and it is not melodramatic, I always feel that is how people perceive me so I keep those thoughts to myself. I am also an introvert and avoidant type personality, it is an ongoing joke that friends only see me once or twice a year even when they only live a short distance away and to be honest some days I think I would not have a single friend left if social media or texting didn't exist, I often think of that old Simon & Garfunkle song "I am a rock" in social situations because that is how I feel and not even by choice. I am lonely I think?, but I just don't want to spend time with anyone I don't need too, it leaves me drained. I spend an awful lot of the time when I am not having to be a parent or working disconnecting either though loud music, reading or eating just to feel something or stop my mind from going to certain trains of thought or just feeling low

Sorry for the rant off topic folk, it is just "nice" for lack of a better word to find others who get what I am going through

Oh, I am glad you shared. Because I too avoid people. Well, except my husband, but even with that we both have our own rooms we hang out in and we just visit each other when we want to - its not isolation as much as we both need space and quiet to keep our moods calm. If not for social media, I also would have 0 friends. I don't do things out of the house, except go to grocery or Dr appts.

Food comes in because of boredom a little for me. What I will prepare myself, and eat, is one of the most exciting things throughout each day.

And to clarify, I guess people thought I am only eating healthy - no, I don't eat things I don't enjoy, but I enjoy most things that include vegetables, salt, spice, dairy. All these things have sugar in them too - it is just, I don't like too many sweets of cookies, cake, pie etc. But I would eat (and have) 4 cups of instant potatoes with chicken bullion and maybe some jalapenos (making myself hungry thinking about that). haha I guess my goal is not the sweet sugar, but the .... "gluttony high" as you put it. That satiated feeling when your stomach is just a bit too full. Then my mind feels at ease.

Our targeting the emotions that go along with our over-eating is on topic I think. Especially looking for similarities. Thank you for sharing.

Yes that feeling of being satiated is exactly what I desire.

I lost a chunk of weight about three years ago just over 32kg/70lbs in 5 months by basically denying food and binging and feeling like that empty feeling when I ate little was a victory over my illness, so it was more often starving myself for 5 days and binging for 2. I was also exercising which was the only good thing I was doing for my self during that time. Needless to say I had a major depressive cycle set in and the exercise went out the window and I gained it allll back in about a year. It is just that feeling and emotion of being satisfied that is at the core of it all. I am so thankful there are others who understand! I am surrounded in my everyday life by people who just do not get why I struggle with my weight so much, they think it is all gluttony and laziness and to be honest I can not be bothered sharing my struggles with those who so easily cast judgement. Another reason why being a homebody rules!

[Nimportequoi]

Soggy,
I don' think your venting is offtopic either. To the contrary, I rarely ever post a thread on my own, but answering other people's threads I often catch myself writing out things that I only realise while writing are very important and I have sort of epiphanies regarding my inner thought landscape... it's really like digital group therapy.
I totally get the thing with not sharing one's own struggle with food and staying indoor to avoid plain judgement by others. That's so true! You just can't talk about the food thing in public. People never get it's more than just self-indulgement and laziness.