[Texas999]

How do you lose weight after you've stabilized in Binge Eating Disorder therapy? Ugh. I've been in recovery since 2014. That's 3 years, and during that time my weight went up and then plateaued just past the "obese" BMI marker.

I know the reasons behind my weight gain. I was sexually harassed by my father from the ages of 12-16, I am the adult child of two raging alcoholics, and I have Bipolar 1. I recognize that my weight is protection from my father, who is still in my life. Just the other day, he was over at my house to do some construction and he sat on my bed, where I was sitting and eating spaghetti. Instantly my mind went completely blank, I couldn't hear a word he was saying, and my brain zeroed in on the fact that I was holding a fork and I could stab it into his neck if I needed to. That's what trauma looks like. I get it, my weight protects me from him and the unwanted sexual attention of men everywhere.

On top of that, my weight is a big FU to my mother, who failed to protect me from my father as a child and often warned me about being too big, telling me that my future marriage would fall apart if I didn't keep my looks. Past that, I was on bipolar medication that sent my appetite into overdrive, causing me to crave carbs and binge eat. I gained 60 pounds in 11 months.

I get all of this. I get why I'm overweight, and I've managed to reach a point in my self-therapy where I no longer binge and then crash diet. My weight is stable and has been for several years. I've added green juices to my diet and I am considerably healthier than I was two years ago, though I'm the same weight. I know because I can do yardwork now without losing my breath. I made a promise to myself that I would not continue to yo-yo. I would not binge and lose. I would get myself right in the head and lose weight responsibly after I stabilized.

However, I'm still a size 14/16 and now that I've made it past the Why Am I This Way and the Stop Binging, It's Bad, I want to get back to around a size 8. I'm in a relationship with someone who loves me for me but sometimes I don't like the way we look together - I'm probably close to 100 pounds heavier. I'd like to feel sexier. I am sometimes physically uncomfortable sitting or leaning over because I have a lot of fat around my middle.

I don't WANT to be obese. But WHAT is the trick? What's the next step? I feel like I've made it this far, and I know the whys and I read the books and I've accepted my weight (and my partner does too) and now I'm ready to responsibly lose, but I can't. I just can't. I go to the gym and do occasional mild exercise there, like a walk on the treadmill, but as soon as the scale drops a pound I'm back to binging and I gain it right back. Immediately and as a reaction to seeing the numbers drop.

I hate this duality of wanting to lose weight and sabotaging myself. It feels like my only future as someone with BED is to stay exactly where I am, because to lose will set off the disorder again. That would be fine, IF exactly where I am wasn't technically obese. I feel like my fear has me trapped in a body I don't want. I'll take the body instead of the disorder - I committed to stop the cycle and I have. As soon as I binge because of my success at the gym I've stopped going and stabilized my weight again, then took a break of a month or so to see if I was ready to try again.

At this point, I've been actively trying for 5 months with slight weight gain to show for it because of the reactive binging. I hate that. I want to feel more powerful over my own body. I want to feel comfortable losing weight and enjoy my success. I want to feel truly, 100% content with my size. I would say I'm probably 80% now - I accept my body and I respect what it has gone through, and why it needs this protection, but I still want to slim down. I don't want what I've gone through and my disorder to be a death sentence to my desire to be a lower body weight.

What would you do??? How do you deal?

P.S. Unfortunately, therapy is not feasible due to cost. I was lucky to get in a paid research study for BED and received treatment there, and I receive bipolar medication management from the city, but the cost of a professional to help work through my issues is simply prohibitive. I've been doing the best I can with self-help books.

[Bipnik]

Wow! You've made massive achievements so far!! Credit to you! I'm afraid I don't know the answer to Ur problem as I am stuck with how to lose weight myself! I just wanted u to know that u r not alone and u should be so pleased and proud of yourself with your progress so far!