[ACrystalGem]

Trigger Warning - mention of child abuse


I've been working on living with a binge-eating disorder for the past year. I've had a lot of success at Overeaters Anonymous - it's really helped with my (Type 2) diabetes too which is great.

BUT

Yesterday I knew I had to take my meds with food, but the thought of food in my mouth made me want to vomit. This has happened ocassionally for the past 5 or so years, but when it happened yesterday I got really anxious about it. I can't do without my diabetic meds, so not eating isn't an option for me, but the disgust and yukkiness I felt were horrible, and I didn't want to eat at all.

I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse & violence. The abuse was sometimes oral. Sometimes food gets complicated for me - I either long for the feel of something in my mouth or the thought of that makes me sick. Right now I just don't know what's going on. I don't know what to do to make it better/live with it.

Any help or advice is welcome. My doctor is a total git when it comes to mental health stuff, so I'd like to avoid that if possible.

I'm Cross Posting this to the Survivors of Abuse forum, because I think it's connected, but not sure how exactly.

[Anrea]

Oh, I am so sorry for your struggle. I find with my overlapping mental health issues, it gets complicated understanding what is to blame for what, when I have an issue. I am wondering if any foods bring happy thoughts, or make you feel good about yourself. Example, I overeat regularly, but I really like spicy foods, so, I have changed the meat and cheese burritos, to vegan burritos, which have less calories (weight is an issue for me). And that switch makes me feel good about myself.

Examples you might recall. Eating a cookie or candy, or apple - given by a person that you have happy memories with.

I am wondering if you would actually be able to relate to some anorexics, because I believe some do have emotional response to food, that might be similar to yours, even though your diagnosis differ.

Also, as you go through your self forgiveness and understanding you were a victim, through therapy, Or at even support groups, or books on the subject, you might reclaim ownership of your mouth, and accept and understand that it will never be harmed again.

This may sound weird, if it does, sorry - although I am getting professional help now, for many years I had to self treat my problems, and I came up with some unique solutions. So, I am wondering if you can begin a relationship with your mouth, as if it is a person who was harmed. Maybe pat your mouth kindly, make friends with it, as the victim it is. Before you eat, talk to your mouth (silently, or outloud if you are alone). Remind it that it isn't at fault. That you will never allow it to be harmed again. That you were sorry that it was hurt, and you would never have let it be hurt, if you could have understood how to protect it better.

I had to do this with my vagina. Free it from its memories and reactions. I made friends with it again, I embraced and understood what it was feeling in this way - during one phase of my growth.

<3 Good luck to you. And to your mouth, it is just a scared little deer, and needs to feel safe again. You can give that to it, and eventually, it will become a part of you again and not surprise you with unexpected responses.

Best of luck to you, and to us all.

[ACrystalGem]

Thank you so much for this - making friends with my mouth sounds like a great idea.