[Lakeesha]

Hi,

I have just signed up to the forums and introduced myself in the new people forums, but I thought I should come here too since my eating disorder is what brought me here. Sometimes it feels like I have talked the subject to death, but then sometimes I feel like I haven't talked about it at all. There is always new stuff that comes up and out of the shadows that surprise even me, and this is my body. Funny how that goes.

I don't know if anything I am going to write is a trigger or not. I don't get triggered by much in a conscious way, so I am not the best 'Would I be triggered by this?' judge. So just to make sure I'll put down the little mark.

I've been overweight for as long as I remember, but it got really really bad in the last maybe 10 years. Without actual numbers, it is safe to say that I weight more than double of what I should at my height. I can hardly move without pain which makes exercise pretty much impossible, which also often is a welcome excuse. I know, it sucks.

I have pretty much lost control over my eating. What makes it even harder is that I feel overwhelmed not only by that but to also take care of my diabetes, depression, anxiety disorder and panic attacks. It just becomes so much and before I even notice it, the pack of bread has been eaten as an "in between snack". And I wasn't even hungry. That is about every day for me lately.

17 years ago my doctor told me that I won't reach 40 if I don't change something. It scared me, still does. I am 38 now so yeah, I am terrified. But did it change anything? Yeah, things got worse. It threw me into such a spiral of anxiety, depression, self-hate and shame that my eating disorder got more and more out of control because I'm not only an overeater, binge eater and compulsive eater, but also an emotional eater. And all of that without self-control.

I tried many times. It lasted a day, a week, one time it lasted a year, that I controlled myself pretty well, I even lost weight and was proud of myself. But then I hit a plateau, for another year got frustrated and fell back into my old habits. I keep telling myself that if I did it once, I can do it again... but I keep failing. Every day.

I feel like I have heard everything before. My head knows what to do, what to eat, what to watch out for. I could give classes on healthy eating and exercise. But my body just points to the big flashing neon sign saying "Nope!"

I have spent today crying, almost all day. Ashamed of again eating double of what I should. I poured my heart out to a friend who patiently listened and -I love her for that- refrained from showering me with well-meaning advice because she knew I heard it all before.

But I wish I knew how to stop. To be a normal person, with normal eating habits, and a normal weight that isn't about to crush every bone in my body when I stand up from a chair, that is threatening to collapse under me like man other chairs before. I wish I could go out, just walk and enjoy the sun and not being in pain after only a few steps. I wish I could just go and shop like other women, choose from many things and not have to take the couch pattern blouse that is the only thing in my size.

Do you know when you want something "now" and when you realize it will take weeks, months, years and you feel so overwhelmed that you don't even know how you could even start? And so it comes that you don't. That is me with exercise. Even the smallest things make me hurt, which is a hell of a repellant let me tell you.

And while I know my partner is super supportive and loves me just the way I am, he is not the type to kick me in the *** when I need it. Also, he can eat whatever and just doesn't gain any weight. He can move well and does all of our stuff that needs physical work. So despite him being awesome, I feel alone in this because he doesn't know how it feels.

Well you might have noticed that I'm having a really rough night. I am, despite everything, a sunshine and laughter person. Just right now I feel like I'm a deep dark hole that doesn't let me go.

Anyway thank you for letting me ramble on, not that you had a way to stop me.

[Lakeesha]

Thank you for the hugs, Marla

welcome.

hope you stay around.. this really is a good site to get support.