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Old 05-12-2022, 07:50 PM   #1
010101010101
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Default My Daily Struggles

My first post here. I've read the rules and have to admit I'm feeling quite restricted but promise I'll do my best not to make a breach.

I think I will make a list of said guidelines as I do not process the same way as typically conveyed. Is also good to imprint the rules as I am one that tends to inadvertently go out of bounds.

1: Do *NOT* discuss specific NUMBERS or PERCENTAGES

2: *MAKE SURE* YOUR IN THE CORRECT SUBFORUM

3: Emotional Regulation and Self Control Tools - Consider *INGNORE* FEATURE

4: The Forum is NOT "pro-ana" or "pro-mia"

5: Use the *trigger icon* My Daily Struggles when discussing graphic descriptions of binging/purging, or any other topic that forum staff would consider triggering

6: REPORT any breaches of these guidelines by way of PM to forum staff when you see them.
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Now I have my own reference for when and if I go out of bounds. I'll do my best to respect the rules as I understand them.

WHY AM I HERE?
Whilst I have pretty much all the labels that would suit in any of the other subforums ... most certified and warranting a disability pension as well as on other varioius subsidized programs, for me *Over Eating* is currently the greater disorder of all. In fact most of the other disorders are less chaotic than the system that puts the food on the grocery shelves. Alas, it is what it is and it will do me no good to live the blame game. I really got a get a grip with this concept called choice.

For now I will let this first moderated post slip on through until such a point I feel more safe and secure. Until I feel I can write more freely. Only then will I open up in my more lengthy style. I got a lot say. I'm not a bot and I have read the rules.

Until next post.
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Old 05-13-2022, 05:31 PM   #2
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Trig Re: My Daily Struggles

Hug well received. Thank you *Yaowen* Thanks also to moderation for letting my post through as is. I had a bit of anxiety about that. I have to admit that this is the first time in a long time that it's really hard to open up. I'm really not sure why I am feeling so deeply affected of late. I kind of do but feeling so self conscious about what to say. It's very much impacted me more than diagnoses I attributed to me. I'm making an effort here not to say labeled with as the DXs I have .... Hmmmm ...
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EDIT - forgive me as I do not edit the following as I just need to go for a gentle cycle. I tried to be mindful but also honest ... regarding my aims which are solely for me. It's long but I got a lot that needs airing out and I remind myself that I am my own audience which is why I am leaving as is ... until next post. Generally I edit for readability and also not to trigger. I put up trigger warning on this for now and leave it raw with some confidence that it is seen that I made an effort to fall within the guidelines.
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OK - I try this again. It may seem this is in the wrong subsection as I open up about loneliness and isolation. As I open up about the debilitating symptoms of X,Y & Z which for sure could fit into Agoraphobia, Depression, ASD,PTSD,ADHD, ODD & Social Phobia, Truth be told the last four of those categories are psychiatric certified and used to asses whatever programs I have been on for quite some time. The first two conditions be more symptomatic when I loose cohesion with the will to living kind of thing. Kind of like ideations that do not really warrant any kind of threat but simply fall into a state of MDD. I now morbidly chuckle to think how often these days we use so many abbreviations for the vast array of well defined disorders and ever gowning number of newly created one as well as changing names of existing ones. Many of us complex cases would do so much better if the programs we are on did not require so much reassessing with regards to constant reports and requests for more accounting kind of thing. It get's really confusing and somewhat demeaning once you no longer have the energy to recoil from the conflicts when deemed permanently affect but still having to constantly prove in order to warrant already being on whatever programs and plans. Whilst all this waffle may not make sense to some just starting a journey within the chaotic mental health industry, for those deeply entrenched over the decades, I think some of this may resonate.

OK - I come up for air. Context? I'm just very very tired being almost in my mid 50s having been on this stage playing this genre pretty much my entire life. Mentally and physically I am also diagnosed another fourteen ahead making or that statistic part of some four hour assessment down with another like wise session some eighteen months ago. Not something I really wish to beleive but got to say perhaps that is why I have recently turn my room into like an age care room. I actually don't mind that approach which is why I have kind of made that a project of recent weeks. I find it is helping me just ride with my current despair with something the happened recently in the community that reflects stigma. Like the collective perspective towards clients and helpers/support workers. I'm finding that more demeaning and can lead to new forms of abuse that I had not considered before now that I frequent the community with a support worker and have been doing now for some years. Just couple of days a week but that is all I need. This aspect of society I think from an industry, is on the rise given the amount of growing instability especially with the growing number of those abbreviated categories. Some more than others but most leading to the same things.

So it is that writing about past stories on a prejudicial childhood in an attempt to unravel the complex nature and highlight the chronic extent of all my experiences do little for me anymore. I've received compensation in the way of money that to be honest has done very little in the way of improving my life. I'd rate community services as more important than that kind of thing. Actually the process regarding the hierarchy of abuse that plays out in such investigations, is as damaging to that which lead those considered survivors of whatever to feeling more disabled than they might of ever thought in the first place. That's a whole kettle of fish in itself.

But right now years down the track and doing the best I can ... It really does not surprise me how many of us find ourselves at such a point that we scratch our heads wondering how it is that we are now eating ourselves to death. I kind of thought I knew when watching the TV and seeing how such self destruction was portrayed in various ways but all amounting to the same thing. No longer having the will or desire but to lay back in an exhausted state either shoveling and nibbling all day every day. Unable to reach for certain thing, having to haul yourself out of the holes you create whenever you take a seat or wish to momentarily stretch your muscles before starting another session of regression ... kind of thing.

My gut health whilst shot is more a case of dialing back the ant acids so I can actually absorb just enough nutrients so I can continue in mild pain Vs continually focusing on longer breaths. My strength is sapping where getting out of bed requires I focus I think like I am benching. I'm now starting to think of smarter ways to move like a self taught specialist. I kind of got to chuckle at that. The things we do to maintain a certain level of comfort Vs climbing out of the whole we perceive.

Just to clear that image up a little. I am not the size of a house by a long shot. Morbidly obese actually does not require that. However, I do have a huge budging tummy for my height and frame. I have flabby arms and rolls of far in other places that reflect well enough my ailing weight condition that fit's the category of morbidly obese. I really think this image of morbidly obese being the size of a house does us no favors. That kind of think tend to lead people ending up like such but again it's not really the way I think it works. I used to think that way but now know so much better. Unfortunately I have learned the hard way.

My heart does go out to people of all sizes and shapes that have genuine issues when it comes to being so challenged.

What to do? The thing is I pretty much know all the answers. That kind if makes it even more sadder. Another humorous chuckle. I mean really ... it kind of gets like that and if I don't chuckle about it ... sigh ...

So it is that I'll carve out this space here. Writing about things that some would rather be dissected and put into other boxes ... but that kind of dealings is what has lead me to now slowly killing myself with bad choices that really right now is best left in this section.

The same uneasy feelings that come from entertaining our uncomfortable experiences feed the discomfort that food now brings. I guess now that I have rambled on with this opening, I'll focus on the nature of addiction, compulsion, depression and self harming as it related to overall giving up and how that no doubt relates to my issue with food.

I've again read the rules and mostly will do well to use the trigger icon because most of my posts tend to dive deep into what drives us to continually kill ourselves the way we do with food.

For now I best go make up my morning lemon water. Currently whilst I know what to do ... I've got a lot of pain still in me that needs to come out before I can make muster the desire I need that works for me. Often my quest to right my boat and keep afloat is impeded by those closets to me that still do not understand, how it is that an addict like me struggle with things like rewards or do not understand, that being *kind to self* when currently out of control means that my dedication to keeping focused can not entertain in the same way. It also means just like with NA & AA which I have in the past, that having just one chip can result in one or two years of full blown shoveling food down the gullet before attempting to clean up act up again.

Moderation ← (food moderation) is not what it seems ... at least not at these extreme points for addicts like me. I'll get to that. Right now I am just oozing residual pain as I typically do, before I embark on another kind of extreme. But don't worry - the extremities that are required are not always a bad thing. I will not be breaking any of the guidelines. Whilst there was a time where the fittest I have ever been - my daughter use to mock me calling me *Ana* an abbreviation for a condition that is a sensitive topic in spaces like these and one that I am not encouraging. But I would like to talk about a point on my life I was the healthiest I had ever been. In fact it my focus on such a point is my methodology in finding the desire than no longer is.

Such is a way of living that is as controversial as that which has been wared of in this forums guidelines. I'll start by calling is Plant Based Eating. I since I know how wars can be started using the terms evidence based to warrant a way of being, I lived this way for 2 years straight which involved the term Vegan - Shock Horror I know. Sirens now probably going off? My apologies if so. Dare I mention the term RAW? is that OK? laughs out loud. Forgive me ... it's just that it's really important that I be allowed the space to write about my dealings with these aspects of healthy eating as well. To write about my experiences in a way that is not preachy but how it is that I was able to make such things work *for me*.

I am well aware of the complexities and also dangers of entering into any change of diet and especially those ways that have cults, the passionate fan fair that are more about the exterior than the actual health component. This extend to many branded ways of eating.

For me ... when I am able to build up the desire ... or just get my head around what I need in terms of finding the will ... I already have the food stores sitting ready and waiting. The measuring cups that need no numbering but simply there to remind me not to use a shovel. This is the kind of approach I am talking about. Not even using a mirror let along those things called scales.

First I just need to find the will to live - how to endure what's outside my front door. From there with things like taking the first steps up the side walk doing what I can to simmer the fear. Getting enough sunlight so I can come back to my room feeling less guilty ... slowly with just those few things before even contemplating what dietary approach works *for me*

Please just understand that when I get the amounts just right regrading circadian lighting (artificial and real), fresh air, human connection, walking, cycling and my psychotherapy which is my medicine ... if I can find the will somewhere that used to exist at some point in my cycles ... Actually I am kind of flat lined at this point looking to start my troughs of highs and lows as that alone would be like staring my heart all over again.

But if and when that happens - Yea ... for me I'll be finely focused on soaking and drying my almond nuts, squeezing lemon juice, prepping high density nutritious salads that take more time make that I would otherwise care. My focus on reducing animal proteins with an aim for taking a complete break by way turning most of my intake solely to plant based foods with limited sups depending on availability of what sources I find. Online is good for that but can never replace what I would otherwise typically grow. The latter which makes me sad as a renter in a world that passes laws to stop people from even trying in their homes. Sigh.

So ... If I am blessed enough to ever get to a point that requires such dedication to improve myself from my thoughts of ending my life which my brother died from ... RIP Bro ... a sudden but crippling end to which imho all we over eaters face. But the way I tackle my comebacks which whilst can be as episodic on today's industrialized overly defined disorders ... is My Way ... not something I am advocating for anyone else.

Here I am my own audience and I know this method in all it's dynamics works well for me. Right now I am beating my own drum like an attempt to pump my own chest before is caved in. Ways of eating like living can be controversial and or religious. I care not for any of those things. In fact I know just how toxic those thing really be.

SO - My perspective is my truth. That's it. What works for me works for me. But like I say right now despite know what works I'm still eating dangerously too much. Having said that though, I best get off this now and start taking my first steps whilst I let this digest. I go for a bike ride instead. Less eye contact that way. Little things like that make a big difference for me.

How do I feel? I feel it was better getting that our rather than shoveling it in.

Thanks for the space ... Until next post.

Last edited by CANDC; 05-14-2022 at 03:53 PM.. Reason: remove methods of ending life
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Old 05-15-2022, 05:01 AM   #3
010101010101
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Default Re: My Daily Struggles

From an over eating perspective I did not do so bad today. It was not so much about what I ate but more about balancing my in and out of my room. I spoke with a friend over the phone, later discord and also read and replied to my mother via email. I also popped in and out to touch base with my grandson and chat briefly with my wife and daughter. I only just got back from an evening walk. Other than that I took my phone call outside in the early morning sun whilst sitting with m plants. As a result of that balancing act I am not feeling as ill in my gut tonight. I know that eating bacon nearly every morning for the last week with even the best of organs (which I do not have) very much has played into my ailing gut health. This week I'm going to correct that.

Anyways - I think I should be able to sleep well enough tonight despite having last night resorted to PRN medication. Waking up in a fog was what really spurred my on to get out later that morning on my bike. I really do not like to get rely on such meds. Alas to say I am not climbing the walls as I would if I had not take such a resort. Tomorrow I have my therapist coming to visit me where I beleive we shall have that session in my room, then I'll go out for a gentle pedal on my bike.

I'm no longer counting the days but still doing a day at a time. It's very hard to find anything of relevance when it comes to using media in any form but if I take my time I seem able to find a distraction that is not so disabling.

For those reading this over at AF know that I am trialing another place called MSF. My Support forums. However it is heavily moderated and only a few of my posts are getting through. I'll play along for now but hopefully once the drama resultant from non moderation plays down (if ever) ... You never know .... other may pop back in yet I feel the damage is done. I'll just cut and past for now but think MSF may allow me the space I need without having to get drained by those whom are doing it so much harder than I. I guess everyone needs a space; right?

I actually ate pretty good today. I think I will not have a black tea but settle for just a bit of honey and chamomile. I'll be doing really well if I can follow up first thing in the morning with freshly squeezed lemon water later followed with Oats and Prunes. The challenge is mid morning once all that has come on gone. That's when I start with a bit of fruit and salad all over again. That is the extent of my medical ramble and pretty much my starting staple when things are moving along well for me.

_________________________________________________

One major change coming up for me is the changing nature of my supports. I think I will leave that post for the morning as will help me with an approach before my visiting therapist arrives.

For now I wind down. Thanks again for allowing the space. Edit as you must with a best wishes to you and yours.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Thank you for an easier day.
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Old 05-15-2022, 11:57 PM   #4
010101010101
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Default Re: My Daily Struggles

Contemplating the conflicting nature of human interactions within controlled environments with a propensity to isolate those who think differently. In such places there is a lack of space for diaries and journals. So it is in which category I am in conflict with deciding and when adding to that, today's insight as just now conveyed - I think notion of expressing as one, more or less feels as none other than pissing in the wind. Just go to find out which way that wind is blowing and then let it all out. Laughs out loud.

Well said my boy. Where to from here? ... Still processing on that one. Is venturing out of self made spaces a waste of time? Too many boxes and too many hats non of which know a damn thing ... not could ever hope to contain the likes of me.

Time to reinvent and effortlessly continue sliding against the grain.

Concedes this space was a mistake and moves on to find something that's actually more free Vs safe and secure. Just like choices, controlled measures are but illusions and delusions propagated to benefit another's ideals rather than the deception of one's own choice and control. Now I can really open up re those supports and captain my own ship knowing very well how to exploit those who think they are in control. Adios interns and would be PHDs.
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