Out of Ideas

Okay, I really need to lose weight. This is not my eating disorder or bad body image talking. This is because I'm tired all the time, my back and my lower joints are sore, and I'm out of breath just going up the stairs to my apartment on the third floor. Not good.

Right now, I'm facing some obstacles-- the first one is that I've tried so many things and nothing has worked... or at least, nothing has worked for the long haul. I lived off under 300 calories a day while exercising daily and purging via throwing up for four years. Not only did that make me sick, injured, and wreck my teeth, but it didn't even last. I'm heavier now than I was when I started that crap. I've tried personal training-- that did nothing. And yes, I exercised on my own in addition to the training sessions. I tried a pilates class recently.. not only did it prove that I am super inflexible right now, but it also didn't get my heart rate up enough to really help with my situation. I love dancing and zumba, but with my plantar fasciitis it really hurts my feet to do all that stuff right now. I'm hoping that when I lose weight, my feet will heal up and I can dance to my heart's content. I feel lost when it comes to eating-- I just don't know what I should be doing other than eating at a deficit, which I already do during the workday. At night, I binge... that's part of the problem. But I am lost as to how to handle it at this point. I've tried support groups, I've tried therapy. I absolutely will NOT discuss it with a doctor because doctors are ignorant dickheads about this. I am serious when I say that, the vast majority of the time, doctors have made it 100% worse. The only doctor who didn't was my former psych, who referred me to a support group because she recognized that this was out of her sphere of expertise.

The second obstacle is that I am afraid that I will overdo it-- as much as I would like to be at a healthy weight for me (regardless of what the ******** BMI says), I definitely do NOT want to go back to my anorexic/bulimic phase. That was so awful-- again, the BMI is ******** because although my BMI was in the "normal" range, you could count all my ribs, I could not stand without getting dizzy, my wounds would not heal, and my mind was always foggy because I was living off of under 300 calories daily. Of course, the doctors said that, because my BMI was fine, I was obviously fine-- another example of doctors thoroughly dicking me over. I just want to get to what is a healthy weight for me so I can hike, learn to snowboard, and do all the things I enjoy doing without being exhausted afterwards. I don't want to do it to impress people.

So yeah, that's where I'm at at this point in my life... ****ing sucks.