When There Is No Hiding Place

Whenever I see people, I feel like everyone is a threat to me.
Whichever place that I am in, I feel like there is no safe place.
I get paranoid, even at my own home, even in my own bedroom.
Is not home the safest place? My pdoc asked me. It supposed to be.

My pdoc told me that I have no place to escape in this paranoia...
I cannot trust anyone, cannot trust even those who are closest to me.
The people whom are closest to you are supposed to be your support.
He explained to me that since I have no place to hide...
My mind has naturally created a safe place of my own.
I am not sure if this is a normal depersonalisation-derealisation experience?
I have created many imaginary places that I would walk into.
They are so vividly real and intricately detailed.
My psychiatrist said that this depersonalised realm is my comfort zone.

The truth is that the brain itself can't cope anymore, he explains...
So, because there is no safe place to hide and gain support from the outside,
Then, it must be done from the inside system.
When the outside reality, the outside world cannot,
The inside system of myself has created it by itself,
Before I even have conscious of creating it.

I just happen to stumble across this forum. I never knew that there were so many types of paranoia, personality disorders etc..

I am weary and leery of people also, always have been. My doc told me that it was paranoia and possible personality disorder (never pinpointing which) as well. I at first disagreed and am still trying to cope with that diagnosis. I know what people are capable of having been abused/attacked by family and strangers. I always feel like I am such a horrible, so stupid, so ugly, so weird that people have nothing better to do than to whisper behind my back, purposely exclude me, ignore me and hate me with out just cause and hurt me every chance they get. Some of the folks here at PC have made me feel this way especially when I get no responses to posts...feeling unaccepted even by my peers all of my life, all 50 plus years of it.

It's a rough state of mind to be in and is a very lonely place. It also complicates and magnifies my depression. My therapist has been working with me for 3yrs now on my "distorted-conception/perception of others and their intentions". She constantly tells me that I am not that important for people to sit around a think of ways of making me feel bad. She has both proved me wrong and has agreed that some situations seem justified in my feeling this way.

I am sorry that your post went without response. I have to remind myself that the folks here at PC are all dealing with something and sometimes timing just sucks. I do hope that since you've posted this that things have improved, that you found some since of security in a space that is surrounded by love, support and help.

Wishing nothing but the best for you and others...heck all of us.

Be good to you!
Olanza-what?