[Hunny]

for family member.

This could also be in the grief & loss, anxiety and depression section.

This incident is the first time in a number of years but it's kind of worse than other times. Extremely hurt beyond being able to describe with words. Still feeling the uncontrollable sobbing within.

Anxiety hit the roof and depression set in.

Anger and self hate from having expectations and sadness for the loss.

Seems forgetting and forgetting to remember to plan ahead using good self-care went out the window. Guilt still weighs heavily.







H.

[Hunny]

...hmmm, so, this could be my response. It's okay it happens in regular society too, like real life.

This isn't stated to make people feel offended or guilty but to say matter-of-factly.

There have been those who have offered a cup of water, though. They are the real heroes of this life.

At first I didn't know I was still a caregiver, I didn't even know I had a person that needed care in my life, many years ago, but that is the nature of the things unseen.

What it is, is: it is what it is and no one will every really get it. Compared to what some of you carry, though, it is small, but if I don't speak it out then how will anyone ever know for those yet to come.

There was this camp. We who went there were random as far as I could tell. I knew a few people to see them. We were all female. They sent a sail boat for us all. Who would ever have thought that all of us had something in common.

Magical is how I would describe that experience. Sitting on deck of the said boat in recliners, sunglasses, wind and the prospect of two nights of sleep.

I was so exhausted, sleep would be welcomed.

A few things stand out for me in that camp. Oh, by the way, someone paid for part of it, someone paid for the sail boat and someone thought of it in the first place. Bless their souls forever.

I remember laughing so hard one night with a round table full of some ladies playing a game that made us instaneously rich, not real money of course but it didn't matter. We even got in trouble for making too much noise. Ha, that hadn't happened since I was a teen. I was thrilled at being able to be that bad. I had one teen and one preteen at home at the time. I was a single mom, for the most part.

The next thing I remember is that, I wasn't tired! I didn't sleep. I went to the craft room and made a beautiful sild scarf and a pretty heart shaped broach out of some stuff that had to be cooked. So, I was tired exhausted but not tired.

The third thing is I remember asking is what brought these people to the camp. It was randomn. Then I asked them about their families. They, each woman was a caregiver of a person, brother, child, husband of someone with some kind of brain injury, brain development delay or brain cancer, all unidentifiable in everyday life, except for the odd quirck. It was unbeknowst to each other that we had been selected for this. What a gift!

The last thing is that on the last night there...I went to the water edge with the lady I shared a cabin with.

It was late, probably twelve midnight or so but we had a flashlight.

She said: "Look"

I said: "What, what is it"

At first I couldn't see it. She clicked off the flashlight and there is was, phosphorus, glowing from the waters edge at the inlet. This most beautiful, sparkling blue shine in the dark waters.

I went a little balmy then. I just raved out loud like a loon and was in such awe! This bit I remember often, even more than winning all the fake money. I'm not sure why exactly. The whole experience was like I was being carried. Maybe I need that experience now. I don't need a hospital, or a outpatient clinic or another support group or better therapy I need the universe to provide a weekend like that again.

I still, to this day don't know who provided that beauty, that peace, that joy. I will, however, forever be indebted. Maybe this is a bit of my payback.

Don't let them tell you are crazy, when all you need is a break from the caregiving.

The caregiving is less now than before. He is still brain injured and without any assistance. You know I am grateful for most of my life and wouldn't change it for the world but this time it's been harder than usual. This time because, I tenderly shared my mental illness with him this past summer, I guess it hurt more than other times. He is my H. but he isn't kind of. The H. I married hasn't been here for about, oh, well, never mind, that takes me down, you know that feel sorry for road.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far and, it will be okay, someday.

I had a terrible flashback just before it happened so that has also taken it's toll but with my therapist and the grace of G_d I'm working it through. There have been many lovely occurances in my life like this and without them I just don't know what I would have done.







h

[possum220]

So glad you had a break.

Hope you can have another one like that and soon.

[lizardlady]

Like Possum, am glad you got a break. Thank you for posting about the phosphorus on the water. I felt like I was there sharing the experience.

[I_WMD]

OMGosh Hunny ,,, such a respit ,, and so well re-lived here in your description .


WMD.

[Hunny]

Well, I did it! I went away and just got back! It was so amazing! You see there was a storm. The wind and rain and water were all crashing against the rocks, relentlessly but there I was sequestered away. Cozy in my room with the heat turned up, new jammies and my drawing pad. It occurred to me that I had found a shelter in the storm!

Okay, okay, this time I went on on my own time and own dime and it was only for one night but I did it! I will go back too.