[SpottedOwl]

Hi all,

First time posting in this area, but long time PC poster here.

My H has landed into a pretty deep depression. I love him, but it is so hard not to just get angry at him when day after day I am met with negativity. I have tried just being loving and supportive. I've tried a bit of 'tough love' (forcing him to go outside at least a couple times a week.) And now, I'm just feeling angry.

I don't like these feelings because I know H is not doing this on purpose, but I am tired of trying so hard to keep life going forward while I feel like he is giving up.

Anyhow, I was hoping to receive some words of wisdom from fellow PC users. How can I best support H to help him work through this depression?
How can I best support myself so that I don't get dragged down?

Thank you!

[lorna]

Well, as a caregirer, I find I do things that make me happy. It can be simple, a nice walk, or go to the park with my dog. You should also make sure your H has enough support too, like is something triggering this depression, has there been a reason, something that makes him worse. But bottom line you need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him.

[Perna]

Is he in therapy for his depression, has he seen a doctor? What is he doing for himself? I don't know that any kind of "support" is possible if he's not even interested in feeling better and not doing what little he feels he can do to help himself?

As Lorna says, I would keep doing things I enjoy doing, invite him along if they are things he use to enjoy, maybe do a few "extra" things to cheer him (I love to bring home new or bizarre things I find at the grocery store and give them to my husband, I found a special "jelly knife" http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...m/thenibble-20 one week, another week I brought him home "new" cookies by Oreo, etc., just things I see that interest me or make me laugh or that I think he'd like or laugh at.

[LovingWife]

I am going through a similar situation with my husband.

Just Sunday I lost it when he refused to go to a group picnic we had RSVP’d for months ago. Earlier in the day he attended church with me, but wouldn’t stay for the church luncheon. Another event we had planned to attend together. I am not proud to say that I said horrible things to him. I didn’t understand what the BIG DEAL was and I wouldn’t go alone because I was SICK And TIRED of making excuses for him. I told him that I really had looked forward to the fellowship and interaction that I was not getting from him at home. He just said he was sorry and that he loved me. Then, I just wanted to bash him in the head.

Several hours later—after I was finished acting like a spoiled child, I figured out that I was most upset because I had looked forward to his participation and had equated it with a sign he was getting better. I SO want him to get better. I told him this. I apologized for being so nasty. And told him again that while I don’t understand what he is going through, I believe his is going through something. It’s real. And all my tantrums in the world won’t make it better. He said he understood, he was sorry, and he loved me. I didn’t want to bash him then, I was just exhausted.

It’s a vicious cycle. And it is NOT fun. Loving and supporting, Confusion, Doubt, Anger. I just started reading “How you can survive when they’re depressed” by Anne Sheffield. It talks about these stages—and the “final” stage—the desire to escape. I find myself going from one stage to another and back again. The book promises to offer help and suggestions to cope. I haven’t gotten that far, yet. You might want to pick it up.

I am going to suggest to the forum that interested parties read and discuss in a thread similar to a book club.

You are not alone. I and other’s share your feelings—both good and bad. And “bad” is not abnormal. Hang in there.

Be Blessed,
LW

[BlueRaine]

Hi Spotted Owl,

I am new here but I know the feelings you are going through. It is difficult to be in your situation but one thing to remember is .. you are not the one depressed and you are also not responsible for "fixing" his depression. You can help, support, love and care for him but to fix things for others is just not possible.

Hopefully he is seeking some help or trying things to get out of his depression. Just know there are many of us right there with you who understand the anger and the guilt of getting angry.

Take care of yourself.

Cyanna

[newtoBD]

Hi everyone...I agree with everyone! Especially how to take care of yourself. This is very hard for me, but I find I can't make my H better. He has to do his part...mine is still in the manic summer moods. His depression is right around the corner (fall) so I will be in the same boat as most of you. Not sure what is worse, the up roller coaster ride of mania or the coming down roller coaster of depression...

[LovingWife]

Why was your mood shocked?

Maybe his depression will be better this time around. Enjoy the good days while you have them.

Be well and blessed.

LW

[nonightowl]

Hi fellow "owl"

I relate to all you say, and it WILL bring you down unless you get enough support for yourself. This is what I struggle with too. Rollercoast between wanting to escape and wanting to stay.

There is another book by Anne Sheffield called Depression Fallout. It talks about the five stages of fallout, and the symptons or signs of each...It has some good suggestions, but books and the real world are different things. Sometimes the suggestions do work, but sometimes not. My bf doesn't fit the profile of the examples in the book, so I have to "wing it".

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

Hi all,

First time posting in this area, but long time PC poster here.

My H has landed into a pretty deep depression. I love him, but it is so hard not to just get angry at him when day after day I am met with negativity. I have tried just being loving and supportive. I've tried a bit of 'tough love' (forcing him to go outside at least a couple times a week.) And now, I'm just feeling angry.

I don't like these feelings because I know H is not doing this on purpose, but I am tired of trying so hard to keep life going forward while I feel like he is giving up.

Anyhow, I was hoping to receive some words of wisdom from fellow PC users. How can I best support H to help him work through this depression?
How can I best support myself so that I don't get dragged down?

Thank you!

when i was caretaking my schiz. ex-husband i joined a support group. it didn't solve my problems but it did provide me with caring friends who were experiencing the same things. it also gave me a place to vent and receive helpful suggestions. at first i resented the fact i had to use some free time to go but the results were well worth it. i am bipolar and knew i had to take care of myself because i take ownership of my own well being.
along the way i was told, "you have to be good to yourself." that seemed so trite but it is true. you are you and he is him. you can work on your own perspective while still loving him but not absorbing his illness. it is counter productive to do so.
also if he is not seeing someone for his depression he needs to do so. it will empower him and help him too.
meanwhile you need to empower yourself or you will follow his path downhill.
keep us posted, will you, on how YOU are doing and also your hubby.

[Oceanwave]

Is your H in therapy? If his depression is bad enough and he feels miserable enough I hope he will get some professional help. That will make things easier for you too, sooner or later.

Take care,
Oceanwave