[Slinki65]

Hello, I'm fairly new to this site, but have been reading it for several months now. I am in a relationship with a man who has been diagnosed as clinically depressed (over 8 years now), and I am having a hard time figuring out if he is being psychologically manipulative, or if a change in his meds is causing him to behave in this fashion. I truly do not want to underestimate the seriousness of what he is going through, but at the same time I cannot allow myself to be verbally abused or neglected. How can I tell?

We have been together almost two years, and normally I am pretty secure, happy, and outgoing. He is pretty much the exact opposite, but I see something good in him. He had a very awful childhood, but has chosen not to deal with it and how it affects him and his relationships. Lately I find myself feeling blue, and wondering if I am doing the right thing by staying with him. I truly love him and want to be there for him (he has thoughts of suicide quite often), but I really could use some support.

Thanks for any help.

[Elysium]

Hi Slinki.... to PC!!

Glad you decided to post! This is a great place to give and get support.

First let me say that I have major depressive disorder and have been depressed since my early childhood years. My childhood was not a good one either. I also have family members who are living with depression and I do what I can to support them....even when they aren't really supporting themselves.

When a person is depressed, it is more than just having the blues. (You probably already know that) Not being familiar with your husbands particular symptoms I'm just going to go off what I've experienced with my disorder.

I will tell you that there is nothing more important to me than having someone there who will stick by me through my happier times and my lower times. To know that I have someone whom I can turn to, lean on, and trust because these are not easy things to do when you've had trauma in your background.

This being said....EVERYONE has to be accountable to themselves, which can be very difficult when you're depressed, but not only that, they need to be accountable for their behaviors as well. If your husband is abusing you, whether it be emotional/psychological, physically, spiritually, or financially, these behaviors are not appropriate and you need to set some boundaries with him as far as what is acceptable and not acceptable. First and foremost you need to take care of you and not put yourself or keep yourself in an abusive situation just because you feel bad for him and you want to help.

Healing from depression is hard work....but I know that I have to take responsibility for my healing because it's not going to happen all by itself. Same goes for your husband. You can't change him, or heal him. All you can do is support him....BUT you MUST take care of you too.

My suggestion, if your husband is seeing a therapist, ask him if it would be okay for you to go with him and see the therapist together a couple times...then you could discuss these issues together and work through them. If he is not seeing a therapist, I would suggest that he do so. If he won't, I suggest that you do so, especially if you are planning on staying with him. You're going to need your own support system to keep you healthy while you are supporting him too.

Take care of you...I hope this helps!!

[Slinki65]

Thank you so much for your advice. We aren't married, we have been dating for almost two years.
My confusion also entails when to talk with him about such things. He is on several meds, and by mid-afternoon he is already starting to feel awful (can't concentrate, isn't motivated to talk, feels like minutes are hours, etc), so many days, by the time I can be with him, it's pretty grueling for us both. I try to stay upbeat, but I must admit it's hard. And when he lashes out, I do want to tell him that its out of line, but again, I feel that I can't, lest he take it as some sort of slight on my part. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time. Perhaps this (the boundaries) would be something to bring up if he agrees for me to see his doctor with him? And yes, he is seeing two docs, one pretty much just for meds, and the other is a psychotherapist. I am familiar with seeing psychologists, and have had great success in dealing with my own muddied chilhood.
I will talk to him about the visits, and will be more in tune to 'taking care' of myself. Thanks again!

[Elysium]

No prob!!

Glad he has a support systems in place. I really wish the best for you both, and don't hesitate to hang out here on PC for support when you need it.

I don't know if your partner would be interested, but he's also welcome on PC if he'd ever like to post.

Take care, and keep us updated if you like.....

[Slinki65]

So the last time I posted was in July, and things have pretty much gone downhill since then. He has been in the hospital twice during the holidays (suicidal thoughts), has had his meds changed, and underwent ECT. He is also on short-term disability from work because he cannot concentrate anymore.
We had a meeting with a social worker who had some great recommendations for him, but I am 99% sure he won't take her advice...he thinks talking is a huge waste of time, and that his childhood has no bearing on his life now (abusive and alcoholic father, enabling mother). I am at such a loss. I'm in school full-time, and really enjoy making myself a better person. I'm not sure how much more I should invest in this relationship if he isn't willing to do some of what is needed. He has been clinically depressed for over 14 years, and even when the meds were working, he was pessimistic, clingy, and worried about everything. Should I bail soon? I just feel like I'm drowning in his problems, and with him not trying to help himself (even just a little), I feel little to no hope of a happy or somewhat normal life with him. At what point do I give up? Thanks for any help.

[Perna]

I'm so sorry your guy doesn't seem to be working very hard to make himself better. When and if to give up on the relationship has to come from you and your heart. I would discuss it with him though, tell him your feelings (making sure he knows they are yours and not his responsibility) and how you don't see the relationship going anyplace you want to go?

I had a boyfriend, just before my husband, who I was with several years and he was totally unavailable but I loved him, I know how that goes. It will not be easy for you to leave the relationship; it's lonely and sad and a bit depressing for you! If you choose that route you will grieve what is lost and/or what couldn't be and that's like any other big loss.

The ex-boyfriend finally "got rid of" me, kept telling me not to come over anymore and being negative toward me so I stayed away. Fortunately I'd just gotten a new job and that helped some. Maybe you can get more involved in school, look forward to a new class this summer or something and mitigate some of the grief with working hard on yourself and other interests of your own. I met my husband at the new job but we didn't get together for six months or so so I had plenty of time to grieve my old love.

[michelle421]

i just want to say that i can relate to some of your feelings. i really hope you take care of yourself. it's very hard to balance keeping the relationship going ok and also keeping yourself going well in all you do.

i will be sending you positive energy. =)
sorry i don't have much advice, but take care.

[justasmallpiece]

I will tell you a story. I know someone that stayed in a somewhat similar sounding situation as you describe....for like 30 year (were together since highschool) She is now in a mental hospital herself because she just recently slashed her wrists. Why? Cuz she didn't leave her husband sooner. She ruined her life...or so she felt. It's not all about the husband though; she has other issues too that contributed but please consider your life as well. I know you want to care for him...but you have to think of yourself. JMO