[Squeek]

Hello, whoever you are...I'm not sure if this was the right place for this, I'm new here.

I have been struggling with mental illness wince I was a teenager (am 26 now), ever since my father committed suicide. My step-father thereafter was abusive and I have also struggled with identity and self-image issues. I have been in a relationship with a man for 12 years and I love him very dearly. He has been so supportive of me, I can never comprehend how I could ever deserve such a wonderful person in my life. He is one main reason I haven't taken my life previously. I have a B.A. in visual art, yet I still often feel like I have accomplished nothing b/c I have barely used my degree and am very poor and there is no work for an artist in my area. I have been legally disabled for a few months now, but was disabled at least a year before being granted it. I often feel worthless b/c I can't work as I started having extreme panic attacks at work and any time I thought about going to work. I am bipolar and have post-traumatic stress disorder. I used to have severe depression episode where I would lay in bed for days and not eat, unless my fiance fixed food for me. Now I have been on medication for a while, but I still have extreme depression episodes and now I have the energy to act on my suicidal thoughts. My fiance and
I decided about 4 years ago that we wanted to be in an open-relationship. Which means that we would be intimate with another while still being with each other. However, before we implemented it we laid out some unwritten ground rules. 1.) We must both befriend the person first, and then if both of us agreed we would proceed. 2.) The secondary relationships would be different than our own, and we would remain the primary couple. 3.) Marriage and children are out of the question with the secondary couple. 4.) Under no circumstance will the secondary relationship obscure the primary. If it does, at any point, changes will be made to ease insecurities and reinforce the primary relationship by any means necessary. I have been with another man for those 4 years and all of us have gotten along very very well and my fiance has befriended him very much and we live together. I do not think of him in the same way as my fiance and will never
marry or have children with him and I will always choose my fiance over him. He is completely understanding and still wishes to remain. I also made sure to let him know that, at any point, if he finds another that he wishes to be with he is free to leave and be with them. My fiance just recently met another woman. From the start I had concerns b/c she was the ex of my cousin and she is very young. (18), while he is 28. I made sure to let her know the guide-lines of this relationship and wanted them to take things slow to make sure all of us were capable of dealing with the change. She knew that she was not just coming into a relationship with him, but with all of us. Thus decisions would be made with all of us, not just him and her. Despite my concerns and wishes, they proceeded to become intimate. I wanted them to wait to have sex until she was at least graduated from high school. They did it anyways. My fiance also has mental illness. He has split-personality disorder NOS. He has another personality separate from his main personality. I just recently discovered that the other personality loves her more than myself. I was also reminded, after having a nervous breakdown on him, that when I was first introduced to the other personality I made it clear through action and words that I did not care for him the same as I did the main personality. Therefore the other personality drifted away from me. So now I feel very much responsible for this but still feel very betrayed and massively hurt. They now want us to be on completely equal terms. Meaning they would have complete freedom despite my feelings and wants or needs, and no rules or limitations would be placed on them. Another problem with that is that I have a niece that I think of as a sister, and my family is very conservative and use her to get back at me when they feel I need punished. They
would surely try to keep her from seeing me if they found out about him and her. It is a very dangerous situation b/c of how close of ties she had with my cousin. I am so hopeless right now and distraught. I have no control over my life right now and in complete despair. This is not what I wanted but I love him so very much so I don't want to leave him. That would just hurt me even more considering how long we've been together. They even want to have children in the future together. All of what I thought we had that was ours and ours alone is no longer applicable. I don't want this. but I have no idea how to make myself happy without hurting the people I love. So I gave in...I said I would sacrifice my happiness to make them happy. I am so hopelessly loyal to him that it's pathetic. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!

[50guy]

Squeek;
I will try to give you some insight into what you got yourself into. First off these so called open marriages rarely work. Either one gets jealous of the other, or one pays too much attention to the other and someone feels neglected. Right now you are being used, mainly for what you can do for the other(s), either sexually, or as a housekeeper. You had concerns about the other woman coming into the relationship and that should have been a big red flag to you. I think your fiance, allowed you to get into a relationship with another man so he could get with another woman. Your fiance has a mental disorder just like I have, I am DID NOC with another prsonality, one that my wife dosen't like, even though he likes her. I as the host must always be in control of the "other" because he is very much a womanizer. I have been true to my wife for over 25 years, we have been together 38. Sometimes it is a struggle for me, but my wife knows it and she knows how hard I try to be faithful. She does allow me to talk to other women, but the line is drawn at anything physical. Your fiance is aware of what he is doing and all those involved are using you and the permission you gave yourself and fiance to have relationships with other men to now have a relationship that may exclude you.
Good luck to you and feel free to PM me if you feel the need to.

[Squeek]

The problem is that I told him he could get with another woman.. However, I always made it very clear, by actions and words, that I wanted it to be the same as the relationship with me and my other partner. They didn't listen and they wonder why I am upset. Ok, here is a letter that I wrote to my fiance trying to explain how/why I feel the way I feel (for the ten-thousandth time).

Your mom mentioned M(that's what I'll call her) to me yesterday and I gave in and told her everything that has been happening. I needed someone to talk to that was unbiased and more experienced w/ relationships. I think a lot of what she said to me is right. I *will* try, but if this doesn't get better or change soon, I don't want to sit back and risk my health any more than it's already at risk. You know that I'm at high risk already. Why is more comlications and stress neccessary? I almost attempted the other night, and the feeling has gotten more frequent and stronger each time. It terryfies me, but it's almost as if you've become desensitized to it. I wanted a simple, affectionate, relationship where no one felt trapped or pressured and that was focused on us and making us a better couple. I still want that, and most likely always will. but I am very much willing to end my relationship w/ T(my other partner) to stop this cycle of complication, pain, and pressure. Are you willing to make that sacrifice for us? If it meant saving us from irreparable damage and pain? I will wait a little while before I make another judgement on whether I can handle this any farther, but the longer this goes on the greater the pain will be if I decide I cannot. I will not risk my health or the health of my loved ones. I told her before, I have bipolar disorder/mood disorder. That means my moods change frequently, so how I feel one moment may change drastically the next, esp. when I'm pressured. I am convinced I do not, however, want an equal relationship at this moment in time. I refuse to be told that I am being selfish b/c I never decieved her into thinking this would be anything more than what T and I have. She chose to stay despite that. I'm not forcing her to stay. Calling me selfish is laughable b/c the simple fact that I am sharing *my fiance* with *another woman* is not selfish. You are the ones that are wanting more from me than I can give. I'm not asking or expecting anything of her. You all asked *me* if you could be together. I agreed with certain conditions. She knew the risks before she proceeded. It's like walking into the woods and then getting mad at the woods if you get scratched by thorns. She said she thought it through and was afraid something like this would happen. That should have been a clue to her and you that she didn't understand what she was walking into. If she ws already thinking there was a possibility of getting hurt from not getting what she wanted, despite being told what she wanted wasn't possible, I am not to blame for her pain. I had envisioned the two of you would want something like this as well but unlike the two of you being informed of the risks, I was not informed of the two of you wanting more. I constantly reinforced the idea that this was not what I wanted. So, in answer to her question, yes I thought it through very thoroughly. Which is why I gave rules and warnings from the start. However I was not given the information I needed to make an accurate decision according to my desires. I have been holding a yield sign the entire time, but you two were going too fast to see it and didn't want to hear the sound of the train that was coming. Now that she knows she can be aggressive b/c she has your blessing, she feels she can make demands. Surely, as long as you've known me, and the fact that I have never tried to hide my feelings from you, you realized that I could not handle a relationship that was anything more complicated than how it is with T, you, and I. Speaking of T, she says I'm treating him like **** and want to
ruin his dreams and treat him like a toy. He's staying on his own accord. He's not trapped. If he ever felt like he was being treated like **** he would leave b/c he has dignity. I'm also not so selfish as to beg him to stay...or ask my own fiance to. What about him during all of this? His opinion hasn't even existed to you two. Letting her be more than T wouldn't be fair to him and I'm sure it would definitely make him feel like a toy. I'm being treated like **** for not being able to handle something I had already established that I couldn't well before hand and during. You just didn't read the signs or listen. I already believe tons of horrible things about myself, I will not stand by and let my own fiance allow someone to convince me that I am a selfish *****. I'm allowed to call *myself* a *****. No one else (except you sometimes b/c I call you an asshole) and I am NOT selfish. I want my life just like she wants hers. I said what I wanted from the start and it was ignored. That does make me a fool, however, for thinking you wanted the same and that you all would listen. However
if anyone, even T or my niece, talked to *you* like that in a serious manner...I would defend you to the grave. I have before too. I will not stand by and let what little self-respect I have dwindle any more than it already has. This needs to change SOON.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of that. I'm so glad someone that has DID can comprehend this situation and agrees with me. I worry sometimes that I'm just being irrational and selfish...but I think they're just making me feel that way by asking me to force myself to be someone I'm not. On the flip side, however, aren't I asking them to be someone *their* not? I just want some loyalty in exchange for the years of loyalty I've given...12 years is a long time considering we got together in early high school.

[Squeek]

updated version:

Scratch that last sentence of the letter. "This needs to change SOON."

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not asking you to "get rid" of her. I want us to be happy together so badly it hurts...but right now I'm not ready for what you all want and since I made that clear years ago, you all have to respect that. One day I may want what you both want but if not, and she stays, you both have to deal w/ the consequences b/c you knew the risks. If she leaves at any point, though, it's not my fault for "running her off". It's her fault for not listening to begin with or being able to cope. I would just like to see a little bit of the loyalty that I've given to you through the years given back. Either way you'd better not leave me for her if she does leave b/c I will haunt you to your death. Threats from the deepest depths of my heart. <3

I love him so much. I'm so pitiful. haha.

[Squeek]

huh. After he came home, he read the letter even though I wanted to read it to him and discuss it with him. He seemed to be fine with it all and understood since he seemed very happy.. I still wanted to talk with him about it, so I read it to him and every little bit I would ask if he wanted to discuss anything I had just read. So we discussed it bit by bit...and then we got on the subject of kids in the future. We started talking about how I've always been unsure about having children..(yanno, since it'd be *my* body they grew in/squeezed out of, and I wasn't sure I wanted the years of responsibility.) However, he told me that he had always said that he was going to have kids... I guess I always thought he was joking, since we would joke about it and since he thought about having a vasectomy at one point..though he also said he would freeze his sperm..but I thought that was just in case I changed my mind in the future. No....apparently I was wrong about that too. What a fool I have been. So essentially, he told me that regardless of if I have children or not, he's going to have children with this other woman. b/c his other personality wants to. I asked him what he would do when the time came that he was ready to have children..and I wasn't. He said he didn't know..that he hoped I'd stay.. I told him that I hoped he'd realize that me and my niece are more important than him having kids.. That he wouldn't just be hurting me, he'd be hurting her too. He's always been able to deal with stress better than me...FAR better..but he won't back down.. He's adamant about having children despite what I want. I never had a choice. Never will. Whatsoever.

[Squeek]

"I as the host must always be in control of the "other" because he is very much a womanizer. I have been true to my wife for over 25 years, we have been together 38. Sometimes it is a struggle for me, but my wife knows it and she knows how hard I try to be faithful."

This is also a HUUUUUUGE part of the problem. He has been saying lately that he has never felt like he could be who he wanted to be.. and that he has always had difficulty expressing emotions...That it got so bad that if something happened, he would have to look at other people's reactions to tell how he should react. He told me that he wanted both him and his other personality to have equal happiness...to be equal. Now, I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist...but I'm guessing one human brain isn't capable of having two primary personalities..right? I'm so scared and worried for him.. He says he wants to change...(and I can't relate to this completely since I don't have DID) but I think what may be happening is that his other self is trying to take over him completely.. He has never gone by his other self's name...his other self has never had to get a job, had to console the woman he loves/take care of her or his friends..or all around control himself...it's always been the other way around. He's never *had* to take responsibility for anything.. So, if they switched...I think his other personality will be unable to handle life in general. He's having a very serious Identity crisis. It's never been this bad the entire 12 years I've known him. I hate to think something so horrible....but I can't help but feel like she is conniving a bit...even if she isn't do it consciously. She is trying to force me and him into a corner so that one of us has to make a decision..keep her, leave, or make her leave. Whenever it was *her* responsibility from the start to back off if she was causing problems. Though, since he didn't agree with what I thought about it from the start..she never really had the responsibility to do so... It was all just me talking to myself. All I can do is try to stand up for myself while hoping that the years of beauty, passion, tears, laughter, sacrifice, and loyalty won't be tossed away... I can't ask her to leave b/c that would only be a temporary fix to a much larger problem. I want him to be happy beyond anything. However I can't give up my happiness in exchange for his. Esp. since I am willing to give in and give him what he wants, but that isn't enough to satisfy him anymore.. I'm not expecting him to give up his happiness either...if his desire to procreate is more intense than being with me, then...as bad as it hurts...I will let him fly free. I have never wanted to keep him trapped, as I've proved before when he fell in love with someone previously. but I don't want to feel trapped either.. I just think he is confusing his need to procreate with his need for a lasting, loving relationship. To me...love is much more important. Don't get me wrong...love can be born out of having a child. but I think it's better to have an amazing love that just so happens to result in a child. That way that child is created with love, born with love, and will certainly be raised with love. I just wish he would see that... I've been so loyal to him...so very loyal...I just want to see some of that from him..

[Squeek]

This has gotten SO much worse... I don't even care about her vs. me or him vs. me or him vs. her anymore...All I care about is his health. I'm so worried and scared for him... I don't think I can get answers anywhere but the source any more.. We're all going to sit down together and discuss this with his mother which is fully aware of the entire situation and is very worried about him as well...She can relate to him and myself... He has definitely proved to me that he is having an identity crisis. Please be thinking of us...

[50guy]

((Squeek)), a gentle hug.....You have a lot that you are going through and I will try to answer the most important question I thought you had and that is the question of the personalities being equal. I have not heard of that. I am the host and I get to have things my way. Now, the "other' does make himself known and can be dominate at times. The other always tries to be dominate, but there are ways I am able to take back the dominate position. Deals and agreements are made by both of us, it's like dealing with another person in real life. You can have or do this if you don't do this or that. It's like dealing with a child. I don't know how to help you other than read and listen to what you are saying. I have never been in a situation with the other wanting an open marriage/relationship and me as the host agreeing to it. My other is the playboy, womanizer. He gets a hold of the money and there is trouble. The host is more in control and has strict rules about spending, partying and talking with other women. My other does have a name and he does know how to manipulate. My wife is very awae of him and his actions and she knows how to deal with him, what she dosen't know is his sneaky ways. that could be what you are dealing with too. You know both personalities, but how well do you know them? No one knows the true "other", not even the host, so much care must be taken when you are dealing with the "other" because the host is very protective of him. My other is very honest and will tell the truth if asked, so my wife is careful about what she wants to know and what she dosen't want to know. You asked about children and you got an honest answer, remember that and remember who it was that mentioned it. You have a hard struggle in front of you and you need to come to terms with weather or not you want to stay with him the way things are.
Best of luck.