[arcangel]

this forum was a particularly good idea. I have the utmost respect and admiration for caregivers. Especially those caring for seriously ill relatives or friends. And most especially those caring for someone with mental or dementia problems. I was the caregiver for my mom back in the early 2000's. She had lived with high blood pressure most of her life. This caused a few "mini-strokes" and in her last years she developed what her doctor called vascular dementia. That was tough. Eventually she had a major stroke and became completely non-responsive. She died a few weeks later. I only took care of her for 2 or 3 years but it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had brothers and sisters but...they just weren't as much help as I would have liked them to be. The resentment from that and the stress of taking care of my mom as her condition deteriorated left me with so many conflicting emotions that were really hard to handle. And losing my mom whom I loved very much was hard. And I did lose her long before she died. It's just so terrible to have someone you've known and loved since day one just become...a different person. And then after the last stroke, to be there but not really be there. And did I mention the guilt? Did I really do as much as I could have to make her comfortable? What about those times when I lost patience with her and was not nearly as nice as I should have been. I tried. I tried so hard. I never left her alone. I never left at all. But still...I'll always believe I could have done so much better. Nobody complained. My mom never complained. Even the hospice nurse who came the last week told me I had done fine. But still...
Anyway, I wish I'd had this forum back then. I'm sure there are others here who could have given me some guidance.
It doesn't matter if anyone reads this or responds. It's just some things I've never gotten to say. Maybe it will be cathartic???

[Open Eyes]

Oh no arcangle,

You were a wonderful son, what mother could want anything more of you?
You gave every part of the love she gave you back to her, even those impatient moments, she would understand that you know.

I dont think there was anything else you could have done, you are just human you know, and I am sure you were emotionally exhausted. But you stayed and took care of her and did your best. And you know what?
Im willing to bet your were her favorite child anyway, if she had made a choice it would have been you, as she would have known you loved her and she could trust you even in her time of great disability.

I think the best thing a person can have is to be with the one they really love and trust when they are so weak and powerless. Your mother was so lucky to have you, to have some one that loved her in her weakest point of life. When someone is completely rendered helpless, to have someone there that truely cares, is such an unbelievable gift.

You are such a wonderful person, how lucky she was, amazing that she had you. That is the best thing someone can do for another, care enough to really care. Thats very rare you know.

Im sorry you felt so alone, PC would have been a help to you back then.
But we are here now for those memories and let you know, don't have doubts of not doing enough. You did more than enough, you were exceptional, better than your siblings. The feelings of distance they have towards you is their guilt and even envy, yes envy because they weren't the one that was strong enough to care about caring.

Please don't ever want to be someone else, I don't think there are very many someone elses that are as good as you. You would so disappointed in yourself if you were someone else.

Now, you need to care about caring for you. That is what you mother would want to see you do. Dont you feel the wings on your back, you need to feel them, they are there. You are so special, it is an honor to know you.

Open Eyes

[Can't Stop Crying]

I'm sure your mother appreciated all the support and care you gave her! I'm sure you did your best to help her be comfortable. It IS hard to be a full-time caregiver. You should be proud of yourself for sticking it out for the long haul!

[arcangel]

Thanks Open Eyes. I did what I did. I'm sure I could have done better but I had the same mental issues then that I have now. I wish I was as saintly as all that but alas I'm most definitely not. I think I really just wrote that because I haven't ever been able to say those things. I couldn't say it to my siblings. I'm sure they did the best they could.
That whole situation was complicated but isn't it always

[arcangel]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

I'm sure your mother appreciated all the support and care you gave her! I'm sure you did your best to help her be comfortable. It IS hard to be a full-time caregiver. You should be proud of yourself for sticking it out for the long haul!

Thank you for the kind words. I read a little about you on your profile. You should be proud.

[Bmee2]

i am struggling now. i am tired and i am snapping and losing patience with my mom lately. i feel like S===. i do not know what to do. i hate myself for needing a break. i feel smothered yet i fear when mom will eventually leave me. i have no siblings. My mom is having trouble seeing, hearing, walking, balancing and using her hands. i have been waiting on her hand and foot. But i sit here crying quietly because i do not want her to hear me. i feel i cannot keep doing this. But there is no one else. i do not want her to think i do not love her. So in anger at myself for wanting a break...i want to (SI). i have no idea what kind of help i need. i am just drowning. i have no friends in the same city. i am so tired i cannot think. i hope the supreme being will forgive me for being selfish. This was about what happened to you and i spent this time ranting about my misery.

[Open Eyes]

((((((((Bmee2))))))))

I am so sorry to hear you struggle, can you see if you can get someone to come in for a day care for your mom once a week or so? I dont know where you are but there are programs out there that can give you help. Caregiver helpers.

You certainly do need help, see if there are any services in your area, try searching on line. I know I have seen commercials and I just cant remember the names.

You have to find a way to take a break and fit your own life in. If you can do that then you will not feel so smothered.

Open Eyes

[arcangel]

Originally Posted by Bmee2

i am struggling now. i am tired and i am snapping and losing patience with my mom lately. i feel like S===. i do not know what to do. i hate myself for needing a break. i feel smothered yet i fear when mom will eventually leave me. i have no siblings. My mom is having trouble seeing, hearing, walking, balancing and using her hands. i have been waiting on her hand and foot. But i sit here crying quietly because i do not want her to hear me. i feel i cannot keep doing this. But there is no one else. i do not want her to think i do not love her. So in anger at myself for wanting a break...i want to (SI). i have no idea what kind of help i need. i am just drowning. i have no friends in the same city. i am so tired i cannot think. i hope the supreme being will forgive me for being selfish. This was about what happened to you and i spent this time ranting about my misery.

I don't think you're being selfish at all. That is so much weight on one set of shoulders. You are overwhelmed. I at least had the assurance that if I had left, one of my siblings would have had to have stepped in and taken care of my mother. You don't even have that assurance. That is so much pressure to face alone.
I read Open Eyes post and I hope that there is some kind of service that will help. You need some kind of break occasionally. Even just small ones would help. You mentioned friends in another city. Are any of them close friends that you could call and talk to about what you're doing and how you feel? Just before my mom got sick enough to need me full time, I had an argument with my best friend. He was a true friend and soul mate. His wife was my second best friend. They had helped me through some of my worst times of anxiety and depression. I so wish that I had called them to tell them what was going on. I hope you have a friend or two like that. If not then we'll just have to do. I can't see any way I can be of practical help to you but if you want to talk or ask anything I'm available. We can make this your thread if you want to. Tell me what you would do if you had an entire day for yourself.

[Bmee2]

Hi arcangel, i do not know what having a thread means....lol i am a bit too pooped to catch on...of course i have a plumbing problem to cope with today...and saw my primary doc about my knee...i have an inflamed tendon...or tendonitis...yeah! And i have been temporarily promoted to diabetic doctor for my mom's insulin. Pdoc instructed i get another doc for mom's diabetic care....other than the primary doc. So i have that to do too today. And i thought i might contact my insurance to see if they could help me find a T. But now that i have written all of this....i think i am going back to bed. The plumber will have to come next week. The rest...exercise for the knee...will have to come later today....nap time now.

[arcangel]

Originally Posted by Bmee2

Hi arcangel, i do not know what having a thread means....lol i am a bit too pooped to catch on...of course i have a plumbing problem to cope with today...and saw my primary doc about my knee...i have an inflamed tendon...or tendonitis...yeah! And i have been temporarily promoted to diabetic doctor for my mom's insulin. Pdoc instructed i get another doc for mom's diabetic care....other than the primary doc. So i have that to do too today. And i thought i might contact my insurance to see if they could help me find a T. But now that i have written all of this....i think i am going back to bed. The plumber will have to come next week. The rest...exercise for the knee...will have to come later today....nap time now.

Her bmee2...sorry it took so long to answer but I overlooked this post. How are you doing? Hope you had a good nap. Sleep is a good escape in your position but I know you probably feel you have to sleep lightly
I know I longed for sleep but was also afraid of sleeping in case my mom tried to get up. She still had mobility until her last stroke but she was unsteady and there was the dementia.
A thread on a forum is what you have after starting a "new topic" and getting responses. Now help me: what is a Pdoc and what is SI?
You shouldn't feel angry about needing a break. You need one. For you and for your ability to keep being your mom's caregiver.

[JK2006]

Originally Posted by arcangel

this forum was a particularly good idea. I have the utmost respect and admiration for caregivers. Especially those caring for seriously ill relatives or friends. And most especially those caring for someone with mental or dementia problems. I was the caregiver for my mom back in the early 2000's. She had lived with high blood pressure most of her life. This caused a few "mini-strokes" and in her last years she developed what her doctor called vascular dementia. That was tough. Eventually she had a major stroke and became completely non-responsive. She died a few weeks later. I only took care of her for 2 or 3 years but it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had brothers and sisters but...they just weren't as much help as I would have liked them to be. The resentment from that and the stress of taking care of my mom as her condition deteriorated left me with so many conflicting emotions that were really hard to handle. And losing my mom whom I loved very much was hard. And I did lose her long before she died. It's just so terrible to have someone you've known and loved since day one just become...a different person. And then after the last stroke, to be there but not really be there. And did I mention the guilt? Did I really do as much as I could have to make her comfortable? What about those times when I lost patience with her and was not nearly as nice as I should have been. I tried. I tried so hard. I never left her alone. I never left at all. But still...I'll always believe I could have done so much better. Nobody complained. My mom never complained. Even the hospice nurse who came the last week told me I had done fine. But still...
Anyway, I wish I'd had this forum back then. I'm sure there are others here who could have given me some guidance.
It doesn't matter if anyone reads this or responds. It's just some things I've never gotten to say. Maybe it will be cathartic???

I am currently dealing with much the same issues that you did. However in my case it is my wife of 34 years. I am with her 24/7 but I am experiencing a lot of lonliness and sadness. She is in the same room yet she is not there. I found this site today and hope to find support by talking with others and hopefully some guidance as to how I can do more.................JK

[arcangel]

Hi JK. I have an idea of what you're feeling. If you make a new post here and tell more about your situation you should get some support and understanding. I'm no expert as I was just kind of wingin' it as most probably do. I'll watch for your posts and offer anything I think might help you. Maybe we can help you realize that at this point it is more about you than your wife.