[Cant_Let_Go]

A tiny bit of background: We've been together 6 years, have 2 children ages 5 and 1, and have been married 4 1/2 years. He has never physically cheated on me, but has had issues with sexting, camming, and most recently, a year long emotional affair that almost ended our marriage. We separated in December 2013, my choice. I came back in January and things have been rocky since.

I have seen his mental state slowly diminish over the past 1-2 years. His father passed away in Feb 2013 and our daughter was born May 2013. He started an emotional affair with a coworker somewhere between those two events. This caused him to completely neglect both myself and our children for almost an entire year.

He was diagnosed with anxiety and given zanax in November 2013. He was put on Lexapro about 2 months ago as a better solution to anxiety, but he has also been dealing with intense depression which seems to have gotten really, really bad the past few months. He took lexapro for about a month and had some side effects, so decided to stop taking it.

I have tried to deal with my own issues surrounding the infidelity while realizing that he needs space to get healthy before he can focus on our marriage. Some days I've done poorly in this area and pressured him to try harder or do better in our relationship. After last night, I now feel like a complete idiot for ever dragging him in to my bad days and my issues. I knew he had his own larger things to deal with.

We went from spending some good quality time together over the past 3 nights to suddenly deciding to get a divorce. What the heck happened? I saw him texting a girl and asked what he was talking about. He ignored me and snatched his phone from my hands when I tried to see for myself a little bit later. He deleted the entire conversation. I stormed off to bed and he came in a few minutes later to fess up. It was another girl from work and they had been talking for about a week.

Then he went on to say he can't lead me on anymore and can't be someone he's not. He said he can't make me happy and can't be the husband I deserve. And he said he hasn't been happy in a long time and he knows I haven't been either. He's done hurting me and he said he's a really messed up person and I don't deserve to put up with his crap anymore and he's sorry I ever had to meet him.

I've heard a lot of this talk over the past few months and it breaks my heart. I chalked it up to the depression. Despite my own issues I'm trying to work through, I try to go out of my way to make him feel wanted and valued and loved. I try to be supportive and encouraging and understanding and forgiving.

I thought things were getting better. Slowly....very, very slowly....but I felt like we were trending upwards. We were going to make it through, eventually. I am NOT ready to give up yet!

Today I begged him not to get a divorce. Give us more time. Every cell in my being is screaming that this is wrong, wrong, wrong. He said he loves us so much, but isn't happy. I told him to take time and space for himself to get better before we make any life changing decisions.

I think the plan right now is for us to separate. I want to give him the space he needs to figure things out. I realize it is probably nearly impossible to focus on himself and his depression when our gigantic relationship issues keep popping up on a weekly basis. Add the demands of 2 small children and normal stresses of family life and it's a recipe for disaster in his current state.

I don't even know what the point of this is. Has anyone been through something similar? Is separation the right way to go? I don't want to lose him yet. I'm not giving up yet, but then I feel like an idiot for staying with him when we've had issues from the very beginning of our relationship.

Despite our marital issues and stresses, we are great, great friends. When we're not focusing on our relationship, we can hang out and laugh and flirt and truly enjoy each other's company. We are nowhere near close to hating each other, regardless of what we've been through. The thought of just giving up makes me sick.

Advice, help, anything...I'm struggling to hold my life together. I still love him.

[glok]

Hello, Cant_Let_Go. It takes both of you to make the marriage work. Is he willing to get help? Is couples' therapy an option. Separating will allow him space to work on his issues. Do you expect him to be working on the issues he has with you? He has had a wondering eye when you have been together. There is no guaranty he will not continue to seek out other women.

My thought is there must be a clear commitment from both of you to try and build a good relationship. Without the commitment, I do not see how it can survive.

I wish you well.

[Cant_Let_Go]

There are some hard truths I'm not ready to accept, but I need to. We haven't tried couples therapy and at this point I don't know that it would do any good. I would like to think that after separating for a while he will get healthy and want to come back. Couples therapy would be a requirement then.

There have been issues with his commitment since the beginning. I don't know if he can really change. I believe people can change but some just don't I guess. I know I need to focus on myself and my own healing but right now all I want is for him not to leave. I can't control what other people do, but god I want to so bad. I want my family to stay together and be happy. I don't want to be alone.