[coping_father]

I haven't been into the forum for awhile, because everything seemed to mellow out ... BUT ... the rollercoaster ride has started up again. But now it's two for the price one.
My 25 year old daughter who we have been caring for over the past few years moved back to the area recently .. we were very pleased, as she was coming back to get the help she wasn't receiving in the larger city.
When she came back, she got involved with an old friend (they've know eachother for 16 years) .. he too suffers from severe anxiety/panic & depressive disorders. Initially, we thought the two of them may help eachother but .. it just doesn't seem to be working.
About 4 weeks ago, he took an overdose of 200 Tylenol - ended up in ICU and on the Psych ward for about 1.5 weeks. During this period he was good, behaving and ask for our daughters hand in marriage. Of course we said yes - with the reservation that they take their time.
About 2 weeks after being released - he had a manic drinking episode and ended up at his parents place. They left my daughter there and called me in to take care of the mess! If I could not get him out - they would call the police.
After attempting to get him out (without avail) the police stormed in like a pack of pitbulls and ended up taking to hosptial & jail for the night. In the morning he went to return home and his father called me to get rid of him - they don't want to be associated with him at all. "Get him out of here .. he's yours".
I truly love the kid .. his parents have controlled him for years and really did not seek proper help. They work in a group home setting .. always telling him that the other kids were the "ones with problems" .. here is a new car, house, motorcycle .. this should make your problem go away. SAD!
The past few weeks I have been attempting to assist him with everything .. for the love of my daughter. BUT he is wearing me thin .. I'm not sure if he's playing everybody or what .. he can be quite nice in person but behind closed doors dis-associates himself with everyone including my daughter (which isn't helping her).
Today I am finally looking back over things in retrospect and am going to move more cautiously now .. I don't want to see anyone get hurt .. especially myself!

http://www.yummitube.com/photos?id=652

[missbelle]

Sounds like you are in over your head...........why do you feel responsible for either your daughter or the boyfriend? I understand she is your daughter, but she is an adult, and he is an adult. As long as you keep taking care of both of them it will be impossible for both of them to stand on their own two feet. Have you tried attending al-anon. It's for family and friends of alcoholics, but it offers extremly good advice on boundries, and taking care of yourself. These are not your problems...they do not belong to you...they belong to them, and it's their responsibility to try, and help themselves......sounds like tough love, and I guess it is, but you will definately go under with them if you keep this up!

There is good help out there as well as good social service agencies. Give them both the phone numbers, and then detach with love. Yes, its hard.....very hard....

[misscath007]

I agree with Miss Belle. Not sure why you would think that this young man who has obvious problems, would make a suitable husband for your daughter. This kid is not ready for marriage, he needs to work on his own problems first. I would advise that he stay away from your daughter until such time that he is willing to start working on his issues. You cannot do it for him. Alanon is a good resource.

Best of luck!

[coping_father]

Many of us have "obvious problems" BUT I am not willing to throw him away in the trash. He has asked me for my help and I am attempting to give it - cautiously.
He is starting an extensive CBT program starting Tuesday .. he is trying on his own and I am attempting to lead him in the right direction!

[Victoria'smom]

It's great that he's doing an intensive program. How long will he be out of the house during the day? what is your daughter doing with her days? The reason why I'm asking is it would be helpful if they were both in individual day programs, family therapy and then had couples therapy together. They both seem like they need a lot of help but also need a chance to be adults as much as they can.

If his parent and you guys are willing and able maybe a pay for small studio to share near by on their own while they are getting the help. It's very hard to be a couple in an extended families home. It wears on all sides. You may want to confiscate all there medications and personally handle them on weekends as they have proved not to be able to regulate there medication. Best of luck

[coping_father]

Thank you everyone for the input.
As of 2 weeks ago .. between the stress @ work and with the daughter and fiance' .. I broke (I know > my fault).
It has taken time for me to take the advise of many people here and on the home front - but it all came to a head on Wednesday night.
I forced my daughter (who was in Crisis) to go to the hospital .. after being accessed they were going to admit her (which she needed) .. but the boyfriend showed up - they talked and then walked out of the emergency room together.
Needless to say - that was THE LAST STRAW .. I have told my daughter that she made her own descision and now she can handle her illness on her own. I'm done!
After 4 years of attempting to help, she continued to wallow in her own world .. so I've told her if she needs help .. she can arrange it. Don't call me to run at every step along the way - I'm drained totally.
Time for me to take care of myself and if she truly wants to get better she can do it herself.
It was hard to do, but I'm sticking to my resolve. I will be here for advice (fatherly) but that's it!
I still care but I've finally drawn the line in the sand. So we will see where it goes.

[BlueInanna]

Hi, I haven't posted here before but probably should, I've got 2 bipolar teens, and I'm bpII.

((coping father)) I know how it is with hospitals and the police and the chaos. My kids tend to pull the everything is my fault card. So I started going to Alanon, recomend it to you too. We get codependant on our kids with mental illness. She is 25 and does need to take care of her own health. Yet, she'll always be your daughter you love. I can imagine how hard this is for you. Stay strong!