[Jannaku]

A few days ago I suddenly came to the realisation that my husband has Narcisstic Personality Disorder. I was so elated to finally find a reason for his disgusting behaviour. It provided an excuse for his tyrannical nature and made me realise that it was him and not me. I felt empowered and ready to tackle him (and his behaviour) head on. Now after a couple of days of serious researching and consolidating things in my head it's hit me like tonne of bricks. I feel so used and abused now and I am so disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen for so many years. I must have been in denial about the truth. I am so angry that this man has robbed me of the most important thing in anyones life - love - and that I have wasted the best years of my life in a loveless marriage. I don't care for the fancy cars and house or clothes and holidays and all the other material things this man has provided as a result of his narcissism. All I have ever wanted is love nothing more. I am angry that I didn't have the courage to leave him as I thought and threatened so many times in the past. I could have saved myself 10 years of abuse. I am angry that I have allowed my children to grow up in this dysfunctional household and hope that one day they will have the maturity to understand. This evening as I cooked dinner I thought what a fool I was to be going out of my way to cook one of his favourite dishes - what the F is wrong with me? He's trained me well hasn't he - the years of abuse have worked into moulding me into a subservient slave. The contempt I have for him is immense. I hear him coming home now and am thinking "good times are over". Here goes with the happy mask. Sorry just needed to vent. Makes me feel better.