[coppersmash]

I'm so sorry to dump this here, but I have nowhere to turn. My friends don't want to even acknowledge my husband's illness, much less help because it's all foreign to them. I've been dealing with it for years and while he's seemed to stabilize, I'm going down the tubes.

He has several health issues, including MS, a rage disorder, and chronic severe depression. He has a severe arm injury to both arms that causes severe pain. He is unable to do much, which doesn't bother me...I can accept that.

It's me that I can't stand. I caregive for him and my parents who are elderly. I also have grown daughters. I work part-time, and go to college full-time. It used to be I could fit it all in.

Now, I'm weepy and tired and can get very little done. No...wait. Not true. I actually repaired the dishwasher and dryer yesterday, as well as all the housework, three hours of $$$-work, all the housework, bathed "his" dogs, and made three days of meals for all of us (incl. parents). Sounds like alot, but it's not. It's not enough. There's more than I can handle and it's making me angry and sad and disappointed in myself, even when I can clearly see that it's not rational to think I can do it all. I actually took a sharpie and wrote "Relax" on my arm today. Because I can't.

He takes 12 different meds and is totally unpredictable (but usually sleepy or watching tv). I'm racing around and getting nothing done fast. My nerves are shot. I dearly want to be a good wife, and care for him so that he feels loved and appreciated. But I also want that for me.

He consumes so much emotional energy...he's constantly analyzing what i do and how I can fit more in and/or do it better. He spends money online constantly, but I can't buy a coffee without a fight.

The reality is I want to run away. Who does that? Bad people. Too many people need me. But I just want to go be alone and deal with my own crises. I have my own worries and fears that I can't address reasonably. There's days I can't even find time to pee.

And conversation. Quiet conversation over books, over a meal, a bit of sunshine and quiet. I'd love to just be me again and not all these other roles superimposed over me.

Anyone want to talk? Tell me what to do?

Hi I'm amazed and awed by what you're doing. I honestly don't see how you can keep it up though. You do need some time for you. You deserve some time for you.
I think that 1. you need someone to help with all this. That's just too much for one person...even Superwoman.
And 2. you need some better friends. No offense but real friends wouldn't need to understand... they would just help.
I don't know what kind of outside resources are available to you but there must be something. And maybe your daughters or other family members could be helping you with all this.
The workload is obviously catching up with you. I hope you can find some help with this soon.

[coppersmash]

George, thanks for your kind words.

The problem is twofold regarding friends: one, I've become so depressed that I hardly have the energy to fit in the time to meet a friend for coffee or lunch...in fact, I rarely leave the house except for school. I know, I have to make that effort for me. When is the issue.

The other part is that my husband's behavior has been so offputting and outrageous at times that it drives people away...he can be frightening at times. His daughters want nothing to do with him...I don't blame them. He's full of vitriol and anger, so he's managed to scare off many of my friends who just don't understand. He "appears" normal, and mental illness is not easy to see (as I'm sure you know)...he's also a troublemaker. If he finds out something about someone, he finds a way to use it, almost sociopathically. No one in my family speaks to me except my parents because DH has alienated them, and they think since I've stuck with him I am condoning his actions.

Your words are helpful though. I am going to carve out some time today and make an effort at working on friendship..my goal today.

[Rose3]

Hi Coppersmash,
You're trying so hard to do so much. With all this going on, it sounds like maybe you are needing a break, or a pause, or time to catch your breath. Are you feeling burned out? Is there any way to arrange for some respite, even for a week or so?
Wanting to run away doesn't make you a bad person - it sounds to me like you are aware that you need some time for you, because you've been giving of yourself to the point that you are maybe feeling exhausted. Or maybe realizing that in all this, some kind of change needs to be made. Please take care of yourself, and plan for some time for you and what you need.

[PAYNE2]

Coppersmash,

Tell us some more about your elderly parents. What is the condition of their health and do they have any means by which to afford someone coming in to cook for and help them? Do your parents live in the same house with you?

How long has your husband been diagnosed with this 'rage disorder' and severe depression? What 'rage disorder' does he have?

It sounds to me like he is a master of fear, obligation and guilt to treat you so abusively. You might need to see a therapist to help you deal with his 'rage disorder' and set some sort of emotional boundaries to protect yourself.

How often does he see his psychiatrist to manage his meds? Have you talked with his doctor and psychiatrist about how burned out you are as well as asked for any ideas they may have?

Do you have medical and/or durable Power of Atty for your husband? I assume that your husband is on disability. How does he manage when you are attending class or working?

To be going to college full time and working part time sounds like enough on anyone's plate.

I hope that you can find some outside help and find some ways to take better care of yourself.

[coppersmash]

Payne,

My parents are both 78, and both suffer from depression. My father has Parkinson's as well as many mobility issues, in a wheelchair most of the time if outside the house. My mother has no real health issues but some issues with dementia I suspect. She is out of touch with reality much of the time. I've spoken to her doctor who feels they are both behaving appropriately, although I vehemently disagree. It's like they've both curled up into a ball and checked out of life, so I clean for them and feed them and interact but they want little but to watch tv and sleep.

My husband's rage disorder is Borderline PD. He has issues on all four Axis and seems to be paranoid and he cycles between moods fast, much faster than a bipolar person. He can go from giddy to rage and back in mere minutes. I've spoken to his doctor's nurse practitioner (the doc is MIA) and she doesn't see the same person I see, although I assume she understands that how he presents himself may not be 'reality'. He often tells me after his appointments that he's actually "her" therapist, that he helps her out...so I see some transference there. But she's right in that he can appear charming and semi-normal.

His other doctor is quite helpful but only to the degree he can be...he doesn't handle the psych portion of it. I hear the advice to take care of myself all the time, and I know it, and at times I cope beautifully. But the rest of the time I feel like I'm just frazzled.

Most of my college classes are online or require minimal attendance. At times I drop him at a swim facility while I go to class. My part time work is done usually while everyone sleeps, and it's actually good for me to turn my brain outwards. I do have a free school therapist starting next week, because even with health insurance I can't afford the copays. I'm hoping this will help some.

I don't have DPA but I do handle all financial matters and decisions, and pretty much run the show.

I think my main issue is to know i'm not alone. That it is survivable. Because sometimes I get petty and think of all the things I miss (being driven instead of driving, someone else making the judgment calls, etc) and I spiral down.

Many thanks to all...


quote=PAYNE2;2485010]Coppersmash,

Tell us some more about your elderly parents. What is the condition of their health and do they have any means by which to afford someone coming in to cook for and help them? Do your parents live in the same house with you?

How long has your husband been diagnosed with this 'rage disorder' and severe depression? What 'rage disorder' does he have?

It sounds to me like he is a master of fear, obligation and guilt to treat you so abusively. You might need to see a therapist to help you deal with his 'rage disorder' and set some sort of emotional boundaries to protect yourself.

How often does he see his psychiatrist to manage his meds? Have you talked with his doctor and psychiatrist about how burned out you are as well as asked for any ideas they may have?

Do you have medical and/or durable Power of Atty for your husband? I assume that your husband is on disability. How does he manage when you are attending class or working?

To be going to college full time and working part time sounds like enough on anyone's plate.

I hope that you can find some outside help and find some ways to take better care of yourself.[/quote]

[Katy-Did]

Coppersmash-- Just wanted to acknowledge your post and send you some positive thoughts!!!!

I don't have any suggestions/advice for you...other than what's already been stated. You DO need time for yourself but you'll have to decide if & when...

[layla11]

Hi, I know how you feel. my husband has been sick for about 15 years, all he does is go from the bed to the couch to the bed. he sleeps all the time and I'm alone. I have to do everyting here also. cook, clean take care of four dogs. I am off work for depression. I have gotten no help from anyone in 15 years, not from my family or his. Financially he pays the bills. I really put myself out there taking care of him and said to myself, your not going to die on my time. You are a soft hearted person like me and that is is such a beatiful feature. I can only listen and tell you your not alone. I am really sick of it two weve been married 21 years. I'm on several meds, I dont blame him for this but I came from a sick family. Its scary for me to look at this, I dont want to. He doesnt seem to appreciate it. I have gained alot of weight and thought about getting out, but its so hard. I know getting outd and going somewhere helps if you can do something for you. Buy yourself the best coffee you can find. I love coffee to and I will drink a cup online with you. We are of the few you care about others.

[Leed]

Dearheart, you need some respite care. Does his insurance pay for that? I'm not sure, but check and see if Social Security Disability does, as I ASSUME he's on that, correct?? They just might pay for it. But you DESPERATELY need it. If you can get it paid for, you could use it twice a week for 4 hours each time, where you could do what YOU want. Perhaps you could go to a coffee shop and just SIT and read a book and have some coffee and your leisure. What a thought! Wouldn't it be great???

If you DON'T get some respite care, you're going to lose it my dear. You're doing MUCH too much for one person. You say you aren't doing "enough." What?? Not enough??? Are you kiddiing? The amount of work you're doing should be done in a WEEKS time at the LEAST, not in a day!

Start going easier on yourself, or you're going to kill yourself, and I'm not kidding. You're pushing yourself much too hard --- ease up or your husband won't HAVE a caregiver. You need to take care of YOU too. So stop working so hard, my friend. Save the dust for another time cause it won't go away. Everything doesn't have to get done in one day. It's OKAY to let things slide, ok? God bless and please please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[tigerlily84]

I agree with what everyone else has already said. I just wanted to comment and tell you that you are NOT a bad person for wanting to run away. You want to have some time for yourself to just sit still for a second. With all the things that you do for everyone, you don't have time for yourself. My mom and I used to take care of my grandma that has Alzheimer's, and there were two of us! She's in a home now, which, after much discussion, was the best thing for her. Perhaps an adult day care center could watch them while you take some time to go shopping, watch a movie or something? As someone else said, caregivers need to take care of themselves, otherwise they won't be able to take care of anyone else. God bless.