[michaellover1]

I would say that I have crossed the line from despising my mother to hating her. Ever since I was young, she has been mentally and emotionally unstable. When we were growing up and she and my father would get into fights, she would often threaten to kill herself in front of me and my siblings--sometimes she would even put a belt around her neck or grab a knife. As a child, that is BEYOND terrifying. It got to the point that every time I hear her raise her voice, I would feel sick to my stomach. My brother would hide the knives. As I grew older, I noticed that I often was sad and had very low self esteem. I definitely attribute that to my mother. Nothing I did was ever good enough and she always found a way to make me feel bad, even in my proudest moments. For instance, when I got into my dream college, she called my oldest brother into the room to tell him that I had gotten into a great school, but he was much smarter than I was so think of what he could accomplish if he put his mind to it. Now, instead of reflecting on that day with pride, I only feel that sting.

During and following college, my depression got worse and I ended up seeing a therapist regularly. I made the mistake of deciding to go home for a while to rest and figure stuff out. While there, my mother had another suicidal/homicidal meltdown due to issues with my father. She physically attached me and my brothers and had to be locked in a psych ward for 2 days. When she came out, she said it was my fault. She said that I turned my brothers against her and that I needed to leave. I did for a time but, worrying about the safety of my father and brothers moved home in order to watch out for them. It's scary because one minute she's nice and the next she will go off on me. Her rage is particularly geared at me--never my brothers. When she and my father don't get along, it's my fault. When my brothers seem distant, it's my fault. She has even gone so far as to tell my brothers and even the social worker who took her case when she was in the psych ward that nothing I say can be trusted because I see a therapist lately. She says that I am the mentally unstable one.

I don't know what to do. When I moved home, I left my job and took another one for a time, but ended up getting fired due to my depression (yet another thing my mother will bring up to make me feel bad). So I don't have the money/resources to start over, but I really feel for my sanity and safety I need to leave and be on my own again. I'm feel totally alone and stranded. The worst part is that I worry in my stress I am beginning to mimic her crazy. We had a blow up today, and I lost it, yelling at her for all that she has put us through. My brothers and father stepped in to calm me down and yelled at me like I was in the wrong and crazy. She stood behind them smiling at me. Almost happy that she finally cracked me and looking at the rest of the family saying "See. She's crazy." This is after she followed me to my room hurling insults at me--I left in order to avoid a conflict. I truly feel like something will happen if I don't leave, but I worry that that is not really an option for me. Any advice/words of support would be greatly appreciated.

As children the way we are treated has significant impact on how we turn out as adults. I was also in a very dysfunctional family and the child of drug and alcholol abusers. My memories are negative and definatley shaped who I am. However, while I may struggle with co-dependancy, trust issues, and other issues that are caused from never having a functioing relationship with a parent, I realized, I am in control of my life.
As soon as I could, I took control of my life and left my moms house, (age 17) I worked whatever part-time jobs I could, bartended, waitressed etc.. and I was able to put myself through college and was a Police Officer by 21.
I am now a very high rank at that Police Department. I was able to do this, not because I the support of my family, but because I decided I didnt want my life to be like theirs, no matter how hard it was.
I had many negativefeelings towards them for a long time, but I realized that they just dont know how to act differently, and while we can choose who we make our spouses/friends etc..we cannot choose our parents. I realized that the anger I was harboring was hurting e as much if not more than it was hurting them and I let it all go.
Today, my mom is one of y best friends, while she is very sick (due to her choices) I will continue to help her as long as I can.
My advice to you would be to get your depression under control and take control of your life. Than focus on forgiveness.

[VoNPD]

I hear you. I am seeing a Psychologist after years of depression and anxiety, caused by crappy parenting. Narcissistic father, self-absorbed mother, older brothers and sister abused emotionally... $#!^ runs downhill. I, the youngest got reared via ridicule.

Do continue to put YOU first and keep working on self-esteem and reprogramming. Limit your contact as much as possible, until you can handle the abusiveness. Get out of there, continue to work. As the self esteem improves, the opportunities will come.

good luck to you!
VoN