I have been with my living with my girlfriend for close to three years, of course the relationship started out great, but the past two years have been nothing short of painful. I am trying to fulfill my comittment,but am finding the issues are starting to affect my overall well being and I am growing doubtful thinge will change, I truly believe she has some sort of mental health issues, but if I try to address it, she goes into an uncontrolled rage and there is absolutely no discussion. She is seeing a therapist, who tells her that her primary problem is that she feels "worthless" and needs to grow her self-worth...okay, Im all for that....

This may be a long post, but I am thoroughly frustrated and need advice.
The rages and bursts of anger started about two years ago, they are inappropriate and never predictiable. The most recent example, I asked her how much money was spent on the kids Christmas presents, she started yelling and calling me a ****ing asshole, eventually slamming doors and threatening to end our relationship. I have learned to ignore her and leave for a few hours or she becomes irrate and I cannot handle the name calling or yelling. I refuse to yell back and this angers her more, telling me I have no emotion.
When we are able to discuss these outbursts she says she has an anger problem and cannot control it and her horomones take over and she doesnt even remember the things she says. To me, this is an excuse and everyone has control over their actions. This is issue number one.
I wont get to deep into the second issue, because it is overly complicated, it involves her three children, none of which have any rules or discipline. Briefly, the oldest refuses to go to school, has stolen the car, steals, has sex and smokes pot, she thinks that he will be a soccer star (he also refuses to play soccer) and is constantly manipulated by his lies. The middle child has physical outbursts at home as well as in school, breaks things, hits people and things, yells uncontrollably. The pets are frightened by him. The third, is only 7, but is already engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior and lies constantly.
When we decided to move in together, she asked me to assist in parenting these children, I agreed. I believed in discipline and teaching them to be productive members of society, a problem would arise, and we would discuss and I would talk to the child. Within an hour, she would allow the child to talk her out of the discipline (grounding).When I discussed it with her, she would outwardly deny that we ever had the conversation or set the discipline. After experiencing this several times, I told her I would no longer beinvolved in the discipline or parenting decisions as there was no follow thru, clearly this is an issue. But I cannot be a part of the lack or parenting that is going on, and not being a parent to the children, have no rights to actually parent. It is beyond frustrating. The reason I think this part is a mental health issue is because I truly believe she believes the lies that she tells after our conversations. I also think the children are following her leadin this manipulative deceptive behavior.

The lies reference children are not the only lies and manipulation she is involved in. When we first dated she told me she was on several medications, the ones I recall are effexor and prozac, when I bring this up now she denies it. Also, anything that involves any conflict, she either completely changes her story and lies or denies it altogether.
She refuses to eat for days, she says she is not hungry and then will eat a plate big enough for two hungry men. She spends money and hides the clothing that she buys and lies about it.

When we first dated, she told me she had very few friends and did not talk with her family, I encouraged her to develop friendships and talk with her family, she has re-connected with her family, but I have yet to meet any of her siblings, she says she is protecting me, which i do not understand. She has maybe went out on 5 or 6 social events sice we have been together and I encourage her all the time, however the times she has went, she has gotten completely drunk and DRIVEN and planned to pick up her kids, I clearely made arrangements to get her kids and tried to talk to her about being social vs being drunk, she says I am a controlling a**hole....Im not...I just dont want her drunk driving..

I have a lot of friends and I did not catch it right away, but she would always tell me something was wrong with the people I introduced her to, "well that person seems like she cant be trusted" or "that person wasnt that friendly" once I caught on that she did not like any of my friends, i explained how important balance is and told her I needed that, so she agreed to go to social events, but than started creating scenes. She would outwardly be mean to people, rude and refuse to talk while we were out. Soon none of my friends liked her and freely voiced it to me....I asked them all to give her another chanve. And talked with her about being more social and talking with people, she was still rude (I never addressed that they did not like her) She also starts talking with a southern accent when she is drinking, which, I dont mean to offend anyone, but embarrasses me, its strange. i asked her why she does it and she just does it more. So anyways, at this point, there are maybe 3 other couples that will tolerate her, otherwise I go alone, and they all preface it with, how is she today, is she being nice...she even treated my mother this way.
She tells me it is because I dont giveher enough attention in public, I get her drinks, introduce her, include her in conversations, will kiss or touch her periodically, I just dont sit in a corner and make out with her...nor will I.

Another issue is that she did not want to work when we got together, I told her it was important that she work as I wanted an equal partner. She finally got a job, but resents me as she says she should be a housewife. Her kids are all in school and I clean the house and work more than full time while going to school, I dont see a problem with her working, but that is another constant struggle, She says she was raised to stay home and care for the family, however, even when she didnt work, she didn not take care of the home, but tanned and worked out and watched tv. This caused me great resentment, as her children are not mine, and I think she is more than capable of work. She now lies about her hours at work.

The final issue I will address that leads me to believe she has a mental illness is what i refer to as hoarding, now our house is clean, because I clean it. But this woman buys constantly and we have more things packed into closets than I have owned in all of my life, I cleaned the house the other day and there were 7 bags packed full of things hanging on random door knobs, not things that we need or use, but random junk, nor do we need grocery bags hanging on all of the door knobs.

We have acquired so much junk, I no longer have a spot in the garage, clearly she feels that is her spot and the other half is filled with her crap. I nowlonger have personal space in this house, the kids bedrooms are so packed they cannot evenplay in them, so they are in the living room. I finally made myself a space in the basement, only to come home to bean bags and more video games in my last ditch effort of any space. My dresser is in the half of a closet afforded to me, which I need a flashlight to find a pair of underwear..... I tell her I want one night a week to watch a movie on my couch and she tells me that being a parent comes first and if they want to watch their shows that is what will happen. She is mean to my dog and I dont think that is a normal trait. She buys me things, in her size and style and says they are presents and places them in her closet.

I am growing very resentful and very impatient. I was hoping therapy would help. But I a, starting to think that she will never see that she clearly has problems. While I am more than willing to accept my portion of responsibility I ask her what I can change and she tells me my "approach" to conversing with her and show her more emotion....I am emotionlly drained and I continue to try and change my communication styles but am beyond frustrated at the yelling or outright silent treatment...

One last thing. I bought myself a bottle of vitamins and placed them on my nightstand, she told me that this meant I wanted her to move out. I told her it had no hidden meaning other than I wanted vitamins, this progressed to the point she started talking about how worthless she was and I didnt treat her right and....I CANT TAKE IT.

Please tell me, what, if anything do you think she is suffering from???

I know this is very long, but I am really searhing for some insight, any help into possible issues. I read through many of the traits associated with the disorders last night and think it may be borderline personality along with ADHD, any thoughts. I really need some help..

[Jannaku]

Hi there. I am no diagnostician but obviously she has some serious issues and so do the children. Sorry to hear that your family life is so dysfunctional and soul destroying. Hope that you being able to vent on this forum may help offload some of your frustrations. As I said I can't offer a diagnosis but highly recommend more intense therapy or even a psychiatric consult for some meds. All the best