[2MuchCoffee]

For the second time in 2 years I am in a relationship with a man who is diagnosed but untreated bi-polar, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, alcoholic, controlling and paranoid. How the HELL do I keep doing this? Why? Why do I keep finding men with these problems?

It’s been 8 months. Life with this man is a constant rollercoaster. Most of the time he treats me like a queen and I feel spoiled. But I never know from one day to the next, or even sometimes from one minute to the next, what kind of mood he’s going to be in. He is often unhappy, discontent, bored, restless. I feel like I always have to entertain him, keep him happy, which often includes buying things like his alcohol, chew, food for him to cook because he loves that so much, an Xbox, more tv channels even though he never watches it, got a cat even though my landlord doesn’t allow it. He says I don’t have to do these things, but when I don’t he complains and whines.

He is constantly paranoid about what I’m doing when I’m not with him, what I’m doing at work, who I talk to, what I do on the Internet. He’s always been convinced that there’s some other man I must be talking to. He has taken it so far that once he imagined I said some other man’s name during sex and another time he even thought he smelled marijuana smoke on my neck. WTF? He’s so paranoid that last Fall I gave up my cell phone and I quit an online college class because he thought it took up too much of my time. At one point, he wanted me to get acrylic nails, so I started that, then he complained whenever I had to get them filled, every 2 weeks, that he didn’t like me not coming home right after work. If I have an errand to run I have to tell him first so he knows when to expect me home, he complains if I’m 5 minutes late and if I’m early.

We’ve had a lot of fights, big and small, lots of drama…at least once a week, if not more. This one time we hadn’t had a fight, but he actually packed up his stuff and left at 2am on Christmas Eve. I found out he was headed to an old girlfriend’s but she turned him down. He ended up coming back that night, barely in time for Christmas morning with the kids. It’s ironic, he’s so paranoid about me talking to other people, but he’s the one that’s actually doing it…I’ve found messages he’s written to old girlfriends, phone calls, etc, all throughout the time we’ve been together. The whole time we’ve been together he’s told me how much he wants to marry me, have a baby together, etc, etc, and yet messages to others say things about how he’s just “shacking up” with me, not sure when or where the wind will blow him next.

He has had a few episodes where he went “bipolar” or “bpd” on me, totally changed personality and began yelling at me, calling me names and saying extremely hurtful things. About a month ago he did it again, so bad that during the confrontation he actually physically got in my face, pushed me and twisted my arm - this was a day after I had to go to urgent care for a back spasm, he didn't care if he caused me more pain. This last weekend, Sunday morning, he had a smaller version of the same kind of thing where I could tell his mood/personality was switching or already different and when I mentioned it to him he started into a fit but somehow seemed to keep himself from calling me any names or escalating any further – I think because both my kids were awake at that point.

After the arm twisting incident, he cried and said he wanted to get help. We went so far as to go to an intake appointment with the psych unit at the VA hospital. Unfortunately, no doctor will give him any kind of meds while he’s drinking as much as he is…off the chart. So they told him he had to attend their alcohol treatment program first. He said he was going to, but over the last few weeks he’s had lots of time to change his mind back and forth. Now he’s saying he wants to keep drinking and so of course he missed the program orientation…this morning. He thinks he can manage his bipolar issues and his paranoia by just “not caring” about what I do. Besides, he says, he shouldn’t have to be on meds to be with me.

I grew up in an alcoholic family, and I’ve been to lots of counseling on and off over the years so intellectually I know I’m co-dependent. I just don’t know what to do about it. The worst part now is that I have allowed my kids to develop bonds with this man. He thinks I can’t live without him because he does all the cooking and cleaning and takes the kids to their appointments while I work full time. I’ve allowed his drinking problem to run me down financially, but I finally put a stop to that part of it at least. He’s currently throwing another “fit” right now because I won’t give him any more money for booze and he has to wait until he gets paid on the 1st. I don’t know how much more of this rollercoaster I can take. I’m tired.

One of the reasons I left my ex was because I decided that I’d rather be alone and somewhat happy than with someone and completely miserable. Why am I doing this to myself again? Are the good times really good enough to make up for all the garbage that happens in between?

Now he wants to go back to the same seasonal job he had last year, where we met, but it’s 2 hours away. He says he’s “bored” and feels “trapped” in our everyday life here. He wants me to spend my tax refund (which is all I have left to put back in my savings account) to buy a camp trailer that he can stay in while he’s working and then I can stay with him there on the weekends. He says he’ll drive home to be with me and take the kids to appointments on his days off. He says that we’re supposed to just “trust” each other while we’re apart and that we’ll still get married while he’s working there.

I’m so overwhelmed and confused. I know I’ve made this bed myself…but I don’t know what to do to fix it. I’m really embarrassed by this whole mess I’ve made, I have no one to talk to and I can’t afford a counselor.
Any thoughts and/or advice are appreciated. Thanks for your time.

[ChaoticSymphony]

The only thing final in life really is death. You explained me in a lot of those scenarios, and it makes me sick. I would let him go, without the trailer and make sure that you are going to be the one sharing a bed with him on weekends. Tell him the money is going to be going towards your savings account again, with him being gone you need the extra mad money in case your kids need cab or child care, ect, ect. If he gets angry over you wanting to put YOUR money into YOUR kids then seriously, do you think this guy has you and your family in his best interest? Nah uh!!! You don't have to break up over this but I would do a little testing of your own.

[2MuchCoffee]

Long story short....I got rid of him. Not easy, but best for the long term.

Thanks all for your advice and encouragement. Taking the time to reply means so much to me, I really needed the support.

[seeker1950]

2muchcoffee! You said, wisely:
One of the reasons I left my ex was because I decided that I’d rather be alone and somewhat happy than with someone and completely miserable. Why am I doing this to myself again? Are the good times really good enough to make up for all the garbage that happens in between?

I repeated mistakes like you've described many times before a lightbulb came on, echoing the statement you made (above). Not that this suggests you should remain alone, but take some time to be kind to yourself before plunging into another relationship. It can be very beneficial for your well-being.
Patty

[channelblocker]

Originally Posted by 2MuchCoffee

Long story short....I got rid of him. Not easy, but best for the long term.

Thanks all for your advice and encouragement. Taking the time to reply means so much to me, I really needed the support.

I'm so proud of you.

[chroma66]

I've been the "pleaser" in relationships too, so I bet this started out as a slippery slope kind of thing-he treated you like gold at first then very gradually increased the abuse and control by pushing boundaries to see what he could get away with? You need this man like a fish needs a bicycle, but please be careful! It is a fact that most women who are killed by their partner were trying to leave an abusive relationship. This guy seems like the type to me, especially since it seems like he is escalating his violent behavior. I hope you can get help, especially for your kids.