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#1
Nov 03, 2011, 07:13 PM
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First of all she has not been diagnosed. How can she be, when she refuses to admit there's any need to see anyone? I mean it's all "the situation" and "me pressing her buttons", right? How did you get yours to see someone in the first place??
Anyway I am only here after spending hours on the web, searching for an answer after being hurt & ignored yet again, googling "lack of empathy", trying to figure out where in hell the sweet beautiful girl I fell in love with has gone and who is this evil hateful psychotic in my house... eventually I came across symptoms of BPD and my gut sank. It's her. She's got it, or something eerily close to it. Why? Did I give it to her by not keeping her life stress-free enough, exposing this scary crazy core of hers?? Does it just come out as one ages? Has she had it for years and I just had no clue or what to look for? Will a pill make it go away or is she prisoner to it for life? Is our old love gone forever now or can this be cured? I simply do not know how to respond anymore, I need help on literally, how to respond, what to say, when she flicks from love to hate like a light switch, says something derogatory at me, will not get out of bed, will not drive, comes downstairs first thing in the morning and immediately berates me like this. She used to worship me, sit on the couch staring at my face, asking all the time if I loved her, do I promise, happy sex every day etc etc... now she is the opposite, packed her bags 3 different times but hasn't yet left, but it's getting close.. I am just stunned & silenced by it.. I'm sorry for the rambling but my god I've never felt so hopeless or confused & hurt.. the things we've been through together, the money and trips and memories, I feel so betrayed by this BP thing I am MAD TOO NOW What I need to know from any of you men who are going through the same thing - what do you do when you respond completely normally to her question and she somehow filters in some sort of imagined rude tone from you and lashes out in hate, fleeing yet again upstairs saying SHUT UP, STAY AWAY FROM ME... while I sit here wondering what the hell just happened?!?! Does she need a pill, a psychiatrist, or am I really that horrible for her.. do I go after her & ask her wtf is her problem, do I pretend it never happened & go about my day (again, alone, without my new wife), do I go up and apologize for the nothing I did? What works, what would a psychiatrist do?? I cannot function in day to day life with her acting like this! What's the routine here experts?? |
 channelblocker
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#2
Nov 05, 2011, 11:05 AM
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Oh, how that is familiar: "You -come across- as being hostile/belittling/etc." When I have said nothing of the sort and, as you have, have simply responded normally.
YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. This is as much a part of someone as if they had blue eyes. What you need to do now is what I need to do--learn how to deal with it right now (stop the bleeding as it were), and then decide if this is something you can deal with long term. Some people can, some cannot. Not a man, but dealing with the same situation, just a different gender. Been involved with (and completely financially and emotionally supporting, close to my own financial ruination) a type 1 diabetic with bipolar II and PTSD for 3 years. He is seeing a counselor on his own, and we are seeing a couples counselor (for the whole story, my thread is "At the end of my rope, about to give up on my partner.") After a recent incident involving his choking me nearly unconscious and two days latter cutting himself (unfortunately not the first time for either) the couples counselor and his counselor spoke. Both of them had separately come to the diagnosis that he has BPD. The couples counselor shared this with me, but neither of them thinks my BF can handle ANOTHER diagnosis, especially such a difficult one. Because as far as I can determine, this condition doesn't respond to medication at all (unlike bipolar or other illnesses.) BPD folks can improve with counseling and a partner who understands and is willing to do the hard work, but no guarantee that your wife is one of those or that the improvement will be enough. It could be, but only you can determine that. My advice to you is to educate yourself. A book that seems like THE book on the subject (how to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD) is "Walking On Eggshells." Another great resource I am finding is www.bpdfamily.com with a ton of articles (PLEASE read the one on how a love relationships develops) and some good solid advice, specific things you can do. You might want to go to a counselor on your own--someone who is trained to help you handle this. Best of luck to you both. She didn't ask for this, and much of it she cannot help. She needs compassion, certainly, but please do not let her suck up your whole life so that you are both miserable. I'm struggling with that aspect myself. |
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#3
Nov 06, 2011, 03:19 AM
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You might also like the site called www.outofthefog.net. It has a ton of tools and and ton of resources for just your situation.
Sounds like she felt safe to let the "real" her out. Sometimes we can't always see the signs if there are any to see. Best of luck to you.
__________________
NuckingFutz, National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD National Dom Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE  
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#4
Dec 04, 2011, 03:48 AM
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I know what you are going through, as my wife is doing the same to me. Unfortunately when she gets in these manic episodes (you'll read about it when you look up the articles for Bipolar Disorder, which is what she has been diagnosed with.) she cheats on me and treats me much like you are being treated. Hers unfortunately lasts between the months of sept. - Jan. I hope you can find some good info. I am currently seeing a counselor for myself and have just ordered the "walking on eggshells" book and hoping it helps. If you find anymore info that you find useful please let me know as I am feeling just as lost and helpless.
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#5
Dec 13, 2011, 07:03 AM
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Research, research, research. And lots of love and patience. Also, try changing the subject quickly to something important to re-direct her attention and get her to focus. When these episodes hit, its like a freak show carnival inside her head. Just don't give up on her, please.
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 Nana E
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#6
Dec 22, 2011, 12:37 PM
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This situation requires drastic measures that may result in the death of the relationship. Emergency open heart surgery. Tough love. An intervention. There is no easy answer. Like addiction, the person has to hit rock bottom and realize that they either must get help or risk losing something or someone important to them. To her right now, her fear of abandonment or shaming overwhelms her brain and she cannot bear to face it. She learned in childhood that running away and shutting out people is her only defense against loss... of love, of approval, of respect.. whatever. Facing this fear head on is what she needs to do and that takes professional help. But what is clear is that this behavior cannot go on and the only person to do anything about it is your wife. You can no longer enable her behavior which is not aimed at you but is none-the-less very detrimental to your health.
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#7
Dec 26, 2011, 03:51 PM
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Holy f-bomb, this is probably how my partner thinks about me. xD
I have BPD, Bipolar, paranoia and psychotic outbursts. |
| tattoogirl33
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#8
Feb 09, 2012, 11:46 AM
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Quote:
Your wife will probably always need a caregiver. When you have BPD your emotions run out of control not unlike a four year old. Trying to completely change oneself is hard and uncomfortable. So she may not ever change. When I get out of control I don't mean to hurt anyone. I feel pain and I look for anyway to make the pain go away. Women with BPD are often just little girls in grown-up bodies. IDK. This relationship might not be for you. Before I got married I made sure my husband saw all the insanity. I figured if he still wanted to marry me then he sure knew what he was getting into. Plus, my mom tried to talk him out of marrying me. She told him how difficult I was and life with me wouldn't be easy. He still married me. |
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#9
Oct 01, 2012, 02:15 AM
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i'm dealing with the same thing with my gf of almost 10 years. However, she just got diagnosed a couple weeks ago. i'm trying hard to understand what she is going through n how learn what i need to do to help out, but its really hard. Especially when i get the silent treatment. i can't even count the hours i have spent online since we found out she suffers from bpd, praying to god to find something that will help, especially with how to get her to communicate, when she decides to ignore me, generally after she explodes. it sucks but hopefully with time we can learn how to affectively love and positively deal with our partners that are suffering from bpd. u just gotta keep at it with alot of patience and even more love
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#10
Oct 04, 2012, 01:01 PM
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Solo, I know what you are going through. My wife has bi-polar 2(rapid cycling) BPD, OCD, agoraphobia, and bulimia. Walking on Eggshells is a great book. Don't know where you are, but if there is a NAMI(National Alliance on Mental Illness) in your area, see if they offer their family-to-family course. My daughter and I recently completed this and it helped me to understand better what my wife is going through. She did not ask for this illness(and it is an illness). Care and compassion and reassurance are what she needs, it can be difficult -I know.
It seems my wife goes from crisis to crisis and I never know when I come through the door what will be there. Remember to take some time for yourself, to recharge and regroup. Best of luck. Also check the NAMI website, it is a great resource. |
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#11
Jan 26, 2013, 02:06 PM
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I have BPD. You sound just like my husband and I just feel horrible knowing that I am putting him through such misery. Please know that she can't help it until she works with a Psychiatrist and begins to heal herself. Medications are usually indicated to help control the symptoms before she can deal with the real problem. It could take a while for her to find the right combo of meds to work for her. I know this is hard for you, as it is for my husband, but she needs you. Obviously, she has a past of abuse/neglect and needs someone like you to stay committed to her. I know based on my own experiences, she probably feels awful and suffers a huge amount of guilt after she comes out of her rages and realizes just what she had done to you. Try not to take it as a personal attack against your character. Our perceptions aren't always based on reality and we tend to react using an emotional mind. With therapy and meds, she will learn coping skills and learn her triggers. Try going to therapy with her. Not only will it show her that you are being supportive, but you will benefit from it, too. I wish you guys the best.
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