[NuckingFutz]

Revisiting the issue of my narcissistic mother. With the spring holidays, seeing family often means seeing family more frequently.

A few years ago I worked with a counselor who stated that it sounds like my mother has some narcisstic traits. I decided to treat her as such, and thereby grew some boundaries with her. I decided to go no contact for few years to low contact. Then I moved to the same state as her (because of other family members whom I missed). For a while, things were fine. Now I get little emotional jabs from her that mostly I fend off by telling myself that her behavior is about her and not me. Last weekend I saw my mother for Passover and she had plenty of manipulative, nasty things to say. I also noticed that my father looks at me with disgust after asking me a question or just looking at me. Lately he does this a lot. I never had any kind of relationship with my father. It was always as if I didn't have one at all (this affects my relationships with people in general).

I know for a fact that I didn't get my emotional needs met by either of my parents. I was also adopted and am not sure if this has anything to do with how they have treated me (maybe a little I think).

Sometimess when the past comes up or I bring something up about the past, they always say (oh, that never happened when I know it did). It doesn't make me doubt myself or my memories, but it makes me bewildered that they can't or won't remember what the younger years were like.

I'm finishing up school and don't mind staying where I live until I graduate, but sometimes it gets so hard that it drains me of positive emotional energy.

Does anyone else struggle with this issue? Any one have anymore coping mechanisms besides low contact and no contact? I'm tired of dad's disguisting smirks and my mom's evil ways...

Thanks for reading this.

Anyway, I'm hurting a lot this week and I wondered if anyone else can identify with this? Anyone else want to share their story?

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Anyway, I'm hurting a lot this week and I wondered if anyone else can identify with this?

I can, except the roles are reversed. My father is the narcissist, and my mother is too depressed or drugged to care.

Coping mechanisms: Remove emotion from their comments and use logic to deduce if those comments reflect reality. If they don't, why bother?

[NWgirl2013]

Hi There ~ Michael D. has it right in a nutshell. I'm a girl, so I have a little more to say...
Someone once told me that if they weren't related to them, they would never have anything to do with their family members.
Maybe you can relate...I can relate as my family has actual crazy in it here & there, and truly vile, evil, mean people.

My deal is, I don't have the energy to give these life sucking people. I need it for me. I have had to take control of how things go, for my own sake.
For me that means, only meeting in public, lunch in a cafe for instance. I try not to get myself in a situation that they can take over and turn mean on me. Short bits of time together work better for me.
Family events are trickier, but I have learned that if there's a family gathering you have to do, bring a non-family member along. Most people will behave better with strangers than their own family. People are naturally on their 'best behavior', at least for a while.

I smile a lot more than I used to. I try to put myself in a peaceful place before any encounter, & I try to stay focused on that. I am a person of faith so that is where I take my thoughts; I tell myself to respond with grace, dignity, respect, even if it isn't shown to me. I take my time to respond. I breathe.
And most importantly I don't engage, no matter how they try to bait me into some unpleasant exchange. Negative only gets more negative back, so I just don't go there. This is a hard thing, but with practice, you get better at it and let me tell you, you will feel so good! Like you've accomplished something. And you have! Not letting stuff get to you is a great accomplishment.
You may not be able to control other people, but you can control how you react. We may (or may not) be better than them, but we sure as heck know how to Act better.

[Solitudeisme]

I'm so sorry you are hurting, and anyone else out there in the same situation. I reached my limit with my Mum about 5 years ago, and severed all contact, my life has been so much less stressful without her in it. BUT, that's just me, you need to look inside yourself, and see where your limits are, the effects she has on you and your everyday life, and if you think it will ever improve, only then can you decide the best course of action for yourself. I wish you all the strength you need for whatever choices you make.

[jazelle401]

I experienced so much grief with my mother. She was so critical, unsupportive and manipulative . She often told me she wished she had never had children, etc. It was always a struggle to be with her, yet being the only one of children who lived locally, her care as she aged was left up to me. The only thing that helped me was to limit contact and make my interactions with her short.

It was very sad really. I held the fantasy that some how, some way i would find a way to gain her approval and feel loved and be able to show her I loved her, but she did not allow that.

As a child, she often told me that things that happened, had not. I couldn't understand how i knew I had seen or experienced something, when said it never happened. This was extremely confusing as a child and resulted in many problems for me later as I grew up. I came to a point where I didn't know what to believe anymore and felt so alone and confused. To this day, I doubt myself so much.

As I became an adult and she aged, my experience was that she continued to behave as she always had, only more often and more intensely. What finally convinced me that she behaved and did and said the things she did, was when my children who are now adults, confirmed it. They could not understand why she behaved the way she did. They were comforting to me. I took some solace in the fact that I had witnesses to her behavior, who could tell me that they experienced her the same way I did.

It was towards the end of her life when I finally started to realize that no matter what I did or said, it was just not good enough. She was very bitter and it was very difficult for me to care for her as all I wanted to do was run the other way. I loved her and wanted to take care of her, but it was very difficult. Accepting this reality was so sad and was a process of grieving for what I would never experience with her.

I am sure this had so much to do with my current feelings of just not being good enough and the fear that somewhere inside me, I am like her. My children say that I am not. I hang on to that. My therapist tells me I am not my mother. That helps.