[CelloGrl123]

Hi all, not sure where else to go here.

I'm 27, and living and caregiving with/for my mom-she has stage 4 breast cancer. I pay 60 percent of the mortgage, all of my own expenses, and will often buy food for the house. I work three jobs and take classes towards a masters degree. When my mom was not doing so good, I would take her around and visit her in the hospital-shes doing okay right now. My unemployed 21 year old brother is also here-he has no job, skips most of his classes, and has a girlfriend who wrote on a blog online that my mom was a 4 letter c word with cancer

Mom's biggest problem is her cancer and bone mets, but she isn't the same mentally that she was a year or so ago. There aren't any specific symptoms, but she is meaner in general. Mom and I get along great when my brother isnt around, but when he is here there is always an issue-if I tell him to do anything she flips out. He left this week for spring break with his girlfriend's family, and didn't bother to tell my mother until a text when he was in Virginia. I can't say three words to him without her flipping out. He also conveniently disappears when my mom has any type of surgery. My mom had emergency surgery in November and by the time I found him, he was on a bus going to Detroit for his college's basketball game.

In addition, she takes my uncle and grandma through my room on Saturdays when I am working and points out what a slob I am. I didn't make my bed this morning because I was so exhausted I couldn't move. Big deal!

I need to be able to get along with my family, especially since my mom has a chronic illness. I usually try and avoid them all and stay at my boyfriend's. I dont hold a candle to getting along with my brother, he doesnt attempt to do anything but eat the food I buy and not work. But, when my mom gets bad again I am going to need help from him and my family. I would love to hear anyones advice, the path I'm on isnt working and I'm exhausted and angry

[Travelinglady]

I hate to bring this up, but what is your mom's prognosis? She sounds really sick to me.

Obviously it's not going to work to criticize your brother, since your mom is babying him.

If it helps you any, alas, the child who is most involved in caregiving is often the child who most often gets the brunt of the patient's criticism and anger. Maybe it's because the patient feels safe with this child? I know this suggestion will be hard, but try as much as you can to ignore your mom's ugly remarks. She is obviously hurting both physically and emotionally.

[avlady]

Sounds interesting Payne1!!!

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by CelloGrl123

Hi all, not sure where else to go here.

I'm 27, and living and caregiving with/for my mom-she has stage 4 breast cancer. I pay 60 percent of the mortgage, all of my own expenses, and will often buy food for the house. I work three jobs and take classes towards a masters degree. When my mom was not doing so good, I would take her around and visit her in the hospital-shes doing okay right now. My unemployed 21 year old brother is also here-he has no job, skips most of his classes, and has a girlfriend who wrote on a blog online that my mom was a 4 letter c word with cancer

Mom's biggest problem is her cancer and bone mets, but she isn't the same mentally that she was a year or so ago. There aren't any specific symptoms, but she is meaner in general. Mom and I get along great when my brother isnt around, but when he is here there is always an issue-if I tell him to do anything she flips out. He left this week for spring break with his girlfriend's family, and didn't bother to tell my mother until a text when he was in Virginia. I can't say three words to him without her flipping out. He also conveniently disappears when my mom has any type of surgery. My mom had emergency surgery in November and by the time I found him, he was on a bus going to Detroit for his college's basketball game.

In addition, she takes my uncle and grandma through my room on Saturdays when I am working and points out what a slob I am. I didn't make my bed this morning because I was so exhausted I couldn't move. Big deal!

I need to be able to get along with my family, especially since my mom has a chronic illness. I usually try and avoid them all and stay at my boyfriend's. I dont hold a candle to getting along with my brother, he doesnt attempt to do anything but eat the food I buy and not work. But, when my mom gets bad again I am going to need help from him and my family. I would love to hear anyones advice, the path I'm on isnt working and I'm exhausted and angry

From your post, I would say that your brother is not only not a help now but an additional stressor/burden, and will not change. You might want to talk to Hospice in your area, just to find out what they have to offer, and to your mom's MD to see if she would qualify---Hospice is not just for the very end of life, it is also to provide palliative care and to provide support to caregivers. It is a place to start. Also, a caregivers support group may be a good source of information----as may be the oncology folks who treat your mom. Reach out---the family isn't there for you.