[lillou13]

My husband was diagnosed with non-combat, non-military PTSD first, then bipolar disorder ~5 years ago. We’ve been married 10 years, together 19 (high school sweethearts). He has always been a Type B personality to my Type A, but over the years it has slowly emerged there’s much more going on. It started with bouts of depression, a tendency to overspend / run up debt, oversleep and be up all night. He was able to explain much of it away when we lived in my home country, but things have only gotten worse since we moved back to the U.S. 8 years ago, and he has barely held up a job since then (but did eventually complete his Bachelor’s degree with the help of the campus Mental Health center and some very understanding professors). He’s been with the same psychotherapist/psychiatrist team for these past 5 years, and as far as I know, he takes his medications.

In those past years I've kept the household running, paid all of our bills, and provided our health insurance. Finding out about new debt sporadically has been shocking/infuriating; we’d usually have a serious talk, he’d feel genuinely bad, and I'd end up paying off the debt because he couldn’t. We've clashed repeatedly over the years about this and the need for general lifestyle changes, and he has argued that I'm too impatient and expecting changes too quickly. As long as I don't confront him about anything, we actually get along very well. But when I try to talk to him about concerns early, he'll lie and deny until that's no longer possible. He only recently agreed to give his therapist permission to talk to me at all when I have questions/concerns (I’m NOT interested in hearing about his actual therapy!). I’ve seen therapists on my own, and they’ve told me it doesn’t sound as if he’s taking responsibility for his own behavior. We briefly tried marriage counseling, but my husband hated it and didn’t cooperate.

The last year started out so well that we actually planned my pregnancy (I’m now 8 months along and very happy), but since then, my husband has panicked and withdrawn more than ever. Add to that losing his grandmother, his favorite cousin (our age, unexpectedly), and his biological father (a difficult relationship and one of the sources of his PTSD), and it’s been a … challenging few months. He has refused to go back to his therapist since the beginning of the year and gets irritated when I ask. His sleep schedule is completely out of whack, endangering his brand-new part-time job, and I have a strong feeling he’s running up new debt and lying about it.

As a last straw, he used to ask me to never “let him” keep firearms in our house because he didn't trust himself, but over the last year he has gradually brought three hunting rifles (two of them new purchases) into our house. He’s become obsessed with weapons in general, bought numerous knives, and always carries one on him. Most recently, I found out he has made arrangements with his best friend (another gun nut) to buy a fourth gun but not tell me for a few months since I wouldn’t “be happy about it at all.” I haven’t said anything yet because I’m tired of fighting, but my patience is depleted. I’m tired of being a mother to him, being lied to, worrying for the both of us, and hearing about his latest obsessions but getting nothing in return. I feel that as long as we live together, he’ll never have an incentive to get better. And I honestly think it's better if I raise our child by myself. I'm pondering how to make him move in with friends or his parents until a divorce is final. This really stings; I still see the guy he used to be, and I’ll always care for him. But I've fallen on my face so many times now, any trust I used to have is gone.

What are your thoughts? Am I being too harsh on him? I'm well aware it's great he has participated in treatment at all and isn't abusive. Is all of this the illness, or is it simply his personality? Any options outside divorce I haven't considered yet?

[Leed]

Hi Lillou ~ This is difficult, especially since he's refused to go back to his therapist, and he definitely NEEDS to go back!

He has a lot of issues that he's not admitting to or taking responsibility for. And the fact that he's keeping a boat load of guns in the house is a warning signal. Is he joining the militia or something? What the heck is going on?

If you want to save this marriage, why not go to his counselor yourself for some sessions? It might do you some good. What will happen to him if you leave? Don't you think it will push him over the edge? Do you really think that would be a good idea? I don't want to push any guilt on you, and it's really not your responsibility what happens to him. You can't keep him from doing anything!

If you do want to leave, just leave! If you've had enough -- and you have held the relationship together for a very long time -- then go and don't feel guilty. You've really had to put up with a lot. He needs help, and if he won't go, it's not your fault.

I wish you the very best. Please take care of yourself, and let us know when your baby is born, will you? God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[lillou13]

Thank you, Lee! I don't know whether me leaving will push him over the edge or actually make him realize what he needs to do. It's most likely he'd go back to living with his mother and stepdad for a while anyway, who are lovely people, so he wouldn't be out on his own. I don't want to lose him, so I'm still as little hopeful, but sometimes I feel as if I already have.
Anyway, I tried to call his therapist for advice, but he's on vacation until next week. So I brought in the big guns (no pun intended)... I told his mother he wasn't doing well, and a few examples of what was going on. I've only ever done this once before. They have a great relationship; she loves me as well; and she sometimes has insights I would never have - after all, she knows exactly what he went through with his biological father until she was able to leave him. She said she'd already wondered how he was taking things, then texted me late last night and said she had just gotten off the phone with him and thought he'd be ready to talk today. We'll see.
What I've been wanting to do is have an agreement where, if I notice certain "warning signs" in his behavior, I point them out to him, and we put specific actions in motion, like notifying his therapist and maybe psychiatrist, giving me his credit cards, making an effort not to be holed up in his room at the computer all night, or whatever makes sense. I'd like to talk to both him and his therapist about this. I also don't know if his medication might need to be adjusted - maybe I'm naive, but I thought after years of being on it, he'd be more stable than this.
The guns are for hunting, btw. He's very contemptuous of people who are into assault weapons; his are supposedly all about old-fashioned hunting with quality equipment, but there's definitely more to it than that.
Can I use his counselor for my own sessions? I would have thought that was some conflict of interest. Seems odd to have him talk to us both separately...

[Travelinglady]

You could ask about seeing the same counselor--to see if your husband is okay with him as your counselor. It could get awkward, though.

But I do think you would benefit from counseling, too---for support and for advice. But maybe from someone else.

[Victoria'smom]

I've been told anyone can call a T or pdoc and leave them information they just can't confirm or deny it's there client. I truly feel BP's should never have credit cards, pre paid cards provide the same services w.o. the debt. You definitely need your own T not his. He probably knows something is wrong and that is why he refusing therapy. I think denial in the middle of a mood swing is common. Require the guns be removed as he had already told you they aren't allowed in the home and you're uncomfortable with them there. You cannot expect stability no matter how hard him and his team try to achieve it. If he does loose his job you may. Want to look into an intensive out patient program. If you are willing to get divorced it maybe time to look into involintary commitment as he's gun hoarding.

[ChattyCathyMemories]

My sympathies. I've just been trhough Hell with my BP husband and recognise so much of what you said. I wish I could give you some answers but I don't believe they exist.
My husband was hospitalised, I took him in on my birthday, one I'll never forget.
He is a retired GP and very clever and was very clever at hiding his condition and manipulating people, psychiatrists included.
He's been ill for over a year and would not seek help. I tried but came up against a brick wall...patient confidentiality. I eventually got him to seek help from his GP...2 hours away. but he kept cancelling appts but eventually he knew he was so bad he needed to be admitted. He was suicidal.
He's home and on different meds but is still a rapid cycler. when he is hypo main everything in the world is my fault and he says I need anger management!!!Even our puppy avoids him when he like this. Yesterday he was so 'normal' it was lovely. today is Hell.
My family all live far away and my own lovely GO has just moved on! I feel so alone and have put on over 30lbs by comfort eating.
None of my friends know as this is the way my husband always wanted it. Life is so hard for a carer. we live n a very small community and I'm always trying to hide his condition. Even my Parents don't know (they're in their mid/late 80s and wouldn't understand.
My husband is so demanding and follows me about what why etc where are you going, what time is it, when are we eating, all day ong then it's the blame context for everything.
Our respective kids do know but all lve so far away. I am meeting my daughte tomorow for a break but he has always been very jealous of my close relationship with my daughter so that's being criticised already.
I often feel at my wiys end and don't think I can cope anymore but my puppy is keeping me going. think I've ut this on the wrong place a I'm not very good with IT but it's actually helped even typing this (to get peace I've yold him I'm upstairs doing the ironing!