I don't want to be a caregiver

I am watching my mother craft her way into being taken care of. She didn't take care of me as a child, I have no room in my life to let her in. She has some health issues, overweight, Bp, diabetic, pain. All she does is sit around and doesn't do anything productive.she has mental health issues that are untreated and no desire to see her depressing reality even when it's pointed out. Im tired of the endless excuses and delusional concepts.I am a compassionate and empathetic person in general but have a lot of resentment toward her. Ive tried to help in the past and it goes nowhwre.I don't feel like I owe her anything and she doesn't realize her inaction is probably going to cause problems within the family when we have to figure out what to do with her. I'm sure that sounds cold but I'm hoping someone will read this and relate.
The reality is, she is declining and whether it's one year or 10 yrs, the family is going to be left responsible for her and we all see her as a burden

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I can relate to how difficult a decision it is to make. I wish I had some straightforward answer for you, but unfortunately, I don't. Just wanted you to know that I read your post and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Wishing you well!

I can't think of anything really supportive to say to that. Your family is responsible for her. It is hard to be a caregiver. That's just the way it is.
I hope this works out for you.

I hear what you're saying and it sounds like you are struggling with not being recognized for your needs as well. Does this sound acurate?

Seems like your struggling with this big, looming responsibility. Do you have other family members that take care of your mother as well?

Sounds like a group home may be the answer. She can get all the help and support she'll need in a group home.

My sisters and I have been working to try and get things together for her but no progress from my mother. I worry that the close relationship with my Sis will be put to the test when it comes down to the hard decisions. No one wants my mom living with them. I can't take the misery. I've just heard how this stuff tears families apart. .My sisters mean the world to me.

With your mental health issues, I doubt that your therapy team would recommend that you take on full time care of your mother. Do you and you sisters have families of your own?

Your mom's mental and physical health both sound like they're poor. Has she been seeing doctors? Is she taking meds? If she's not inclined to be compliant, an ACLF or nursing home may be the only realistic answer. How old is she? Is she living alone now?

I would get the family together now, including your mother, and do a combination of some intervention and some brain storming to make the worst case scenario not likely? In other words, plan ahead?

We are all ultimately only responsible for ourselves and no one else can take that from us; if your mother is doing a crummy job of taking care of herself, she'll end up with a crummy end of life experience. It is not your "job" to take care of anyone other than yourself and your minor children (in concert with their father). You mother has been alive and "well" for many years and should have planned for her last years or worked to plan for her last years or asked for help planning for her last years, etc. Your mother is not your or anyone else's responsibility.

You, however, are a decent human being, a "compassionate and empathetic person", so you would not enjoy seeing anyone, even/especially your mother whom you do not like, living a poor quality life as they get more and more helpless in older age.

So, practice that now and make a list of various scenarios:

(1) you have X siblings and each contributes Y dollars a month and someone else cares for your mother;

(2) your mother has income now, you redistribute that income/who is "in charge" of her resources so they are better "managed" to care for your mother (reverse mortgage on her home, sell her home and use the money to buy a place in an assisted living center, etc.)

(3) you have X siblings and your mother rotates living with each for Y months or your mother and all her income/resources and additional contributions from other siblings goes to one with whom she lives full-time

(4) you hire a "geriatric care manager" to figure out what to do: National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers | GCM Specialists

(5) Etc.

When you have done your own brainstorming you pick which you personally like; arrange a family meeting and share the problems/what you would like, see what everyone else is thinking, how your mother responds/what she would like and how it fits in with the "reality" of the group and then you start in on it and don't have to feel helpless/resentful/inevitably doomed

If the rest of the family will not "play" with you and plan ahead, etc., then you have a slightly different problem of doing scenarios of what you can do that will not compromise yourself and your own life given what you perceive as your mother's likely future trajectory and you draft that up and make it known to everyone so they are clear that "I'm showing up for an hour ever Wednesday" means, "I'm showing up for an hour every Wednesday" and won't be calling trying to guilt you into "Hey, can you show up this Friday, I have something I want to do rather than see mother but I don't want her to be lonely then?" Their problem, not yours if they won't cooperate now!

Heather, your situation exactly describes the situation my boyfriend and I are in. His mother did not take care of him hardly at all growing up. He grew up having to do her laundry, make his own food, hold a job just to support himself and his mom. She is divorced, happened when my boyfriend was young, and while she worked some, she came home and did nothing else. When it came to retiring, she thought she could do nothing- Not even pay her own bills! She has hoarding tendencies so she is really messy. When my boyfriend "came to the rescue" a few years ago, he straightened out her finances and how he takes her to appointments and cleans up the house. But he resents her and resents the whole situation. She does nothing all day, then makes him take care of her laundry. She has gotten to the point where she cannot do much physical activity because of the inactivity. Her doctor says she has muscle atrophy because of a sedentary lifestyle. She is 72, and her therapist tells her to stop acting like a 90 year old. The thing is that she cannot afford assisted living so we are kinda stuck taking care of her. She had back surgery a few months ago, but nothing has improved. She has been through physical therapy, but once that stops she stops doing the exercises (which she claims she's still doing, yet no improvement) and everything goes back to how it was.

So... all in all, I can very much relate to your story. And I'm sorry. And if you ever want to message me, feel free to. Peace

You take care of *you* and your immediate family (spouse/significant other, your children) FIRST. Period. Been there done that. I wish you the best. *hugs*

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Just know that many times the depression consumes a person & they don't know how to get help & may feel scared. Just be supportive as best that you can. Maybe you & your family can arrange to have someone come into the home to help her. Just a thought. Good luck. Sending many prayers your way. Take care!

There is such a similarity to my situation in the details you write about. It's a terrible feeling to live with. Thanks for sharing.

Getting her into an ALF would be a struggle and I personally dont have the funds. I have a teenager and sis has family of their own. I don't know what the answer is. It's just looming

Maybe you need a family meeting that includes her. Does she have a friend that she does listen too? Maybe you can sell the family home so she has the funds to be taken care of in an aged care facility.

It is an incredibly difficult situation to be facing. The are no easy answers.
Maybe you could talk to the family doctor?

Me and my sister are on the other side of taking care of out mother. She was basically terrified, blind, arthritic, and a few other issues. She was in the family home for 4 years after our father passed away. After many times falling down and not being able to get herself up from the last few, she found herself in hospital and she had to listen to the doctors and ended in a nursing home. It was a nice place. She was in there for another 4 years. We visited as she deteriorated into dementia and other physical ailments.

The bottom line is that you and your sister will not be able to cope in the long haul for all of her needs. Being practical and involving your mum is one way to start. Having a plans in place also helps.

You have to look after you because if you don't you will be no help to your mum.

perhaps an organization like NAMI, (National Alliance for Mentally Ill) which is family members, could advise you about regulations and resources in your area, Heather. without knowing more about your mother's finances and resources, it's just impossible to say what services she might be eligible for, or if you could meet some criteria by transfering title of the house to the siblings now, instead of inheriting,,, ?

Best Wishes
Gus

Hi Heather

Your message could have been written by me -- believe me, I know what you are going through

My mother was becoming more dependent and more demanding every year. She was leaving on her own and cherished her privacy and freedom. Most of my family members have mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety -- she has them -- i have them. I had mentioned over the past few years, that, perhaps, she could move out closer to where my husband and I live, and, then, I could certainly do more for her -- no way, she said. O.K., then let's get you a cleaning lady twice a month -- no way, she said -- privacy issue, etc., etc., How about getting groceries delivered once a week, or so -- no way, she said, how will I know what I might want to eat, etc., etc., etc.,

Long story, short -- apparently, it was my job to run when she snapped her fingers, which I did for a number of years. Then one day, it will actually be 5 years next month, she asked me to do something, and I had the audacity to say no -- imagine that -- offering to do it a day or 2 later, apparently wasn't even an option, as far as she was concerned -- silly me, what was I thinking!!!

There is more of this to tell -- but the bottom line is, and it took me a long time to accept this, as the other posters are saying, you need to look after yourself and your immediate family first, spouse, partner, etc., and children. And, if you have health issues of your own, you, for sure, you need to look after yourself.

I made that very difficult decision to put myself and my husband first. For five years, I have not spoken to, or seen her. I am the black sheep of the family for being so heartless.

I live with the choice I made five years ago, every day of my life -- but my mental health, and the health of my husband had to be first and foremost

Best wishes and good luck. Feel free to PM me anytime

heather11
I'm so sorry you have this situation looming over you. I don't think you owe your mother anything. But I understand that even though they neglected us, we still feel the obligation to take care of them. I think when they get older they are more vulnerable and we feel badly for them. It's so tough. I'm not there yet. My parents who emotionally neglected me are still independent and they "take care" of each other. But I rue the day I am in your shoes.

Any and all parts of caregiving is one of the many challenges in life. Sending support to all in this very painful suffering circumstances.

when it comes to the crunch, hold a ballot, the options being mum live with the voter or mum goes into 'care' (whatever that is where you are) if no one wants her to live with them then it will be a unanimous result that she goes into care, if someone does not vote for that they will have voted for mum to live with them! no one can criticise you for not volunteering to care for mum if they have not voted to do so themselves. if a few opt for mum to live with them , they can share care for her, in that she visits each one for a month or two then moves on to visit the next one