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#1
Jul 11, 2013, 09:32 AM
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As I also said in my introduction post, my boyfriend has some issues going on. He was diagnosed with Psychopathy, Antisocial Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, by three different doctors and I am so confused and I just want to know what does he really have. How can I help him if I have no idea what's actually going on with him? You guys seem to have experience with this, so I will just tell you about him and hopefully, some of you could give me your opinions about what do you think is actually going on and how can I help him. It would mean a lot to me...
I met him when I was 17 and it was an instant spark. I just felt so hard and so fast, it was almost ridiculous. He is 6 years older than me, he is currently 27 years old. He is a lawyer and he is really good at what he does, but for some reason, he can not stay in the same company for more than a few months if his life depended on it. He keeps moving from place to place... The reasons differ, but it's always kind of the same thing. He gets really bored. Of the place, the people and especially, the boss. Now he is trying to make it on his own, but it's complicated and the longer it takes him to make it, the more frustrated and annoyed he gets. With me, he is both sweet and mean. It depends on the day, really. There are days when he is so romantic and loving and cute, that he makes me melt down and I am so happy that he's mine. But there are days when he is full on jerk mode and he makes me feel horrible. He tells me he hates me, he tells me I am stupid, he tells me I can't do anything right... If something ever goes wrong, it is always my fault. Even when it's his fault he blames me. He slapped me around a few times, pulled my hair, threat me he will kill me... He never punched me or kicked me or anything, but when he is angry, it is scary. And his threats are the worst. He changes a lot. He has this random mood swings. And whenever we are out, it's like he is a different person. Like, we could be having a fight and he would say I am an idiot and he hates me, and then we go out with his friends and he just keeps hugging me and kissing me and telling everyone how much he loves me. And I am just there like "...Okay then." He never says he's sorry. Not even when he really hurts me. The most he says is "Why do you make me act like this? You need to stop pissing me off." So it's my fault, even when he is the one being mean. And I forgive him. Sometimes, I really think that it's my fault. So I try my best to not disturb him and do whatever he tells me to do and be a good girl. I moved in with him for one year, we live together. But I go visit my mom almost every day. She doesn't know he hits me and threatens me to murder me. She thinks he is perfect and amazing and she loves him, she always says he is the son she didn't have. He is really nice and polite with her, so I just keep all the bad stuff to myself cause I don't want my mom to end up hating him or something. I know that it's probably not the best relationship, but I still love him a lot and I do not want to abandon him. He always tells me that if I leave him, he will kill himself. And that scares the crap out of me always. What do you guys think? Is he a psychopath? I really don't think he is Borderline, because my older sister has Borderline and they are very very different. I know that he has problems but I always thought it was not all that bad... Do you think I can help him? What should I do? Last edited by darkpurplesecrets; Jul 12, 2013 at 01:27 PM. Reason: added trigger icon... |
 Anonymous32734, Anonymous37904, Odee
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 dillpickle1983
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#2
Jul 12, 2013, 07:15 PM
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Alarm bells are going off big time after reading your post. Abuse of any kind e.g. physical, verbal and emotional is unacceptable in a relationship and your boyfriend is guilty of all three. You need to be honest with yourself and see the reality of your relationship and stop glossing over it and rationalizing his bad behavior. Hitting you and threatening to murder you is serious, as is the psychological manipulation that is obviously going on. It doesn't really matter what personality disorder he has, be it borderline, psychopathy or whatever, it is unhealthy and unacceptable. He has got you trapped with fear - fear that if you leave he will kill himself. You have to overcome this fear, think of your own well being and seriously consider leaving him. Don't be afraid to tell your mum either because you will need her support and understanding and the only way your going to get that is if she knows the truth. I am married to a narcissist and to be honest a lot of his behavior sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I would suggest reading up about this and seeing if he fits into this. Regardless of the disorder, as I have said please see him for what he really is and be honest with yourself. I spent the best part of my marriage blind to the reality of it thanks to the sophisticated techniques my husband used on me. I wish I could have seen it much earlier as it would have changed my life's course. You still have the opportunity to get out which is what I would recommend for your own well being. Do I think you can help him? No, but you can help yourself. Read up on NPD and other personality disorders and gain knowledge, knowledge, knowledge. This knowledge will be your power. All the best and keep posting with updates x
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| lynn P.
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#3
Jul 12, 2013, 07:23 PM
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I agree with Jannaku and also married to a narcissistic. Also agree it doesn't really matter what personality disorder he has, he's an abuser and potentially dangerous. There's no way you can change him especially if he's a psychopath or NPD - they're incapable of feeling empathy for you and won't change. They're also very charming and can make you think they've changed until it happens again. You could be the most perfect partner but he'll find fault. Get out before he wears out your self esteem or worse. Remember you can't change him and loving someone who's threatened to murder you...isn't a healthy love.
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 This is our little cutie Bella  *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
| Jannaku
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| Jannaku
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#4
Jul 12, 2013, 07:42 PM
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Quote:
Your judgment is really bad if you think that his problems are not all that bad. So you need to explore, by yourself or in therapy, what clouded your judgment so much. The only valid question is about what you should do. Your practical steps are: - get out ASAP - get into individual therapy to figure out why you got yourself into this relationship in the first place. But you need to get out ASAP. Your position is really precarious in that you seem to lack the basic self-preservation instinct. I had this problem - it is very dangerous. Finally, when you said that you did not want to abandon him, you fell prey of your own mis-use of English. When a person threatens to kill you, and you leave, this is called, in plain English, "fleeing from danger". This is not called "abandoning". Sometimes, simply using the right words works to remove all sorts of confusion that clouds your thinking. |
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#5
Jul 12, 2013, 08:44 PM
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You both are really sweet and caring, but leaving him is not the option that I want to choose. As I said, I love him. My therapist told me to leave him as well, but I can't... I don't want to give up just because he's got problems. I believe that he can change, that he can become better... I mean, I've got issues too. So does my sister and almost half of my family. What I was looking for was some advice on how to help him... But if you guys can't help me with that, it's okay. Thank you either way.
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| Anonymous37904, healingme4me
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#6
Jul 12, 2013, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
Ok when he hits you, do you call the cops? When he threatens to murder you, do you call the cops? So your mom, loves him and sees him through different eyes, and is the pressure to stay more so because he IS a 'lawyer'? My stepmom is the type of woman who encourages staying for a man, for the sake of a man, and if the guy is money making material, even more reason for her to push to stay. Is that what your mom is seeing more in him, the ESQ. and not the reality that you are being physically beaten and threatened? OK, not all Borderlines are created equal. And it's possible that all three of these labels fit in a co-morbid sense. Why three different doctors? When a person says 'you make me act....', no one is forcing anyone to behave in ways that are completely, utterly, socially unacceptable!! Are you, currently, also in therapy?! To find out what leaves you feeling that this is as good as it gets? ((my word choice, not yours)) You can say, to him, listen, if you threaten suicide, I will not hesitate to call the cops, because either he'll get the treatment he needs, or will realize, that he cannot make these threats with you anymore!! One trip to the ER, doesn't necessarily mean, they will be admitted, either. I know, from experience. My exh ended up, with a prognosis, but also, they sent him home, as they felt he was under life stresses and was just more or less, saying that from an emotional state or whatever the reason was they sent him home. Either way, THAT didn't happen, again. What is that saying, we aren't our brother's keeper?? 
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| Jannaku
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#7
Jul 12, 2013, 09:29 PM
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The first doctor he went to told him he has Psychopathy. And he didn't want to accept that diagnosis. Me either. So he went to a second doctor, to get a second opinion... And that doctor told him he has Antisocial Personality Disorder. And he told him that if he wants, he can go to one more doctor to see what they say too, so he did that. It's not that he doesn't stay long enough with one doctor, he just wanted more than one opinion...
My mother doesn't like him because of the money. My mom and dad always wanted a son but they had three daughters. My mom sees him as the son she never had. He is really amazing whenever she is around and she is so happy to finally have 'a boy' so I don't wanna ruin her happiness... Yes, I am currently in therapy. I do not tell my therapist about my boyfriend though. The only thing I told him was about the different diagnosis and he told me to leave him. And I do not want to. Do I have low self-esteem? Kind of... But that is not the problem. We've been together for a long time and we've been through a lot and I just don't want to give up on him, even if he has these mean moments. That is all... I just want to help him, I really love him. So yeah... Hope that answers your questions. |
| healingme4me
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#8
Jul 12, 2013, 09:35 PM
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Even if you, personally don't feel the borderline label fits him, properly, this approach should work with the other two labels. |
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#9
Jul 12, 2013, 09:41 PM
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We do have boundaries, of some sort. Like, he doesn't beat me. He just slaps me around from time to time... I mean, it's nothing. I've had SO much worse from my dad when I was a kid. I can deal with it. It's the the things he says that hurt more... Like, when he says he hates me it's most painful. I would rather have him slapping me than telling me he hates me... It just cuts right through me. I don't know why I love him as much as I do. I think it might be because of those moments when he is so... sensitive and sweet.
But yeah... Thank you, healingme4me. I will check out Marsha Linehan and see what it's about.
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| Anonymous37904, healingme4me
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#10
Jul 12, 2013, 10:08 PM
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You do not have the right priorities. Your number one priority should be personal safety. You are failing to protect your personal safety. Living with someone you love is a luxurious privilege which is not always an option; in fact, it is not even frequently an option. Your therapist was supposed to explain to you that no, he won't change, rather than tell you to leave him. We tell you to just leave him ASAP because it is so obvious and a no-brainer to anybody who has been in your shoes and/or has a general understanding of what is and is not good in relationships. The T, however, is a paid helper who has enough time to delve into things, and the T clearly did not do his or her job to the extent that you appeared on this board asking if he can be helped. That the T has not dealt with the guy telling you that he hates you is also bizarre. What I am trying to say is the following: - either your T is not qualified - or, your T is just frustrated because the process in T sometimes cannot be accelerated - until you realize, by yourself and on your own, that you should get out of this relationship, nobody would be able to convince you that you should get out. So the T might be frustrated, rather than incompetent. |
| Jannaku
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#11
Jul 12, 2013, 10:23 PM
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You might as well stop wasting time and money on therapy. Not telling about T about the boyfriend means that you are wasting time and money on therapy. It is true that your main problem is not low self-esteem. You have a whole host of deep-seated issues. For instance, you feel that you are obligated to fulfill your mother's dreams. Does the T know about that? Do you yourself realize that you will never get to live your own life until you give up the idea of fulfilling your parents' dreams? Also, you are living in some kind of a fairy tale world, as if you were 5 years old, when you write: "leaving him is not the option that I want to choose. As I said, I love him." - in fairy tales, loving somebody is enough to live with him. In real life, no, it is not. A long list of prerequisites needs to be met before you move in with somebody. Love is by far not sufficient. Regarding your question on his diagnoses - he needs to see a PhD psychologist who does Neuropsychological assessment. There is a battery of tests to determine what he has. It is called Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Since you had it much worse from your dad, and you realize that, do you not realize - also - that your standards are too low, and that you should work on raising your standards rather than excusing hurtful behavior by pointing out that the bf has not yet murdered you? True, he has not yet murdered you, but, when he does murder you, it will be too late to post and too late to talk to the guy who is your T. |
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#12
Jul 12, 2013, 11:31 PM
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I have an idea that might help you, but you need to be a person who can stand her ground to implement it. Write up an agreement about three strikes. - If he threatens suicide, you will immediately report him (in writing). - If he says he hates you, it will be his first strike. - If he threatens murder, you will immediately report him (in writing). - If he tells you that you are stupid, it will be his second strike. - If he tells you that you cannot do anything right, it will be his third and final strike, and then you will leave. Have him sign it in front of a notary (it costs $10-20 to notarize one signature). You need to take practical steps to prepare yourself to leave. You should not be giving him empty threats - if you said that you would leave after three strikes, you should be able to follow through. And, try it. Much cheaper than going to doctors and trying to treat incurable personality disorders. But you have to be strong and be fully committed to following through and never looking back. |
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#13
Jul 13, 2013, 01:52 AM
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Dear Castiel25. Sorry I started this reply before a lot of the others so it may seem out of sync but I am posting it anyway. I am sorry to hear that you haven't found my advice or that of others helpful and that leaving him is not an option that you would consider. Unfortunately, I don't believe that you have had your "lightbulb" moment yet, or awakening, into the reality of what is going on. You can not help people like this if they are afflicted with a personality disorder but what you can do is help yourself. You are enabling his behavior and have taught him that it is ok to abuse you, verbally, physically and psychologically and because you stay and there are no repercussions he thinks and knows that he can get away with it. You are not doing him or yourself any favours with this approach. I don't believe that he can change as you would like to believe. I feel that you are clinging on to false hopes, as we all do when in abusive relationships. Everytime he is nice and loving you forget what has happened when he is not, until the next strike. It is a cyclical pattern of abuse designed to reel you in with false hopes and then strike again. The fact that this is all going on behind closed doors is to his advantage again, and it will become your secret that is hidden from everyone. In this respect he is nothing but a consummate actor that maintains a perfect human façade to the outside world and reserves his abuse and bad behavior for home. Sometimes it takes us to hit rock bottom before we can see them for what they really are. At this point in time you need to stop analyzing individual incidents and him and stand back and look at the big picture. It is a tough realization to acknowledge that the person that you love and who loves you is also abusing you but it has to and will happen. My stance comes from a point of concern for you. I have walked in your shoes and know only too well what convoluted psychological mechanisms take place without you even realizing that keep you in such a harmful relationship. Please take the time to read widely about abusive relationships so that you can understand the complex dynamics that take place. I hope you can appreciate my concerns. All the best x
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| Anonymous37904
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#14
Jul 13, 2013, 06:52 AM
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I am highlighting, parts of Jannaku's post, below, because it stood out to me, that you mention that you don't discuss your bf in therapy.
I don't have any daughters. I look forward to the day, my boys bring home a daughter to me. However, if roles were reversed and my boys were in an emotionally abusive relationship, or even physical, if the woman were to lay hands on them, I would want for my sons to leave that relationship behind. Of course, they may feel proud to bring home a woman to 'mom', knowing I didn't have a daughter, but I'd hope for a relationship that was mutually respectful. Just because your dad used to hit you, worse than the slaps you are receiving, doesn't make this OK. Just because the words used, by your dad were worse than what are used by your bf, doesn't make it OK. There's a saying, that says, sometimes we get involved with another to heal something from the past. I can see what needs healing, can you? Quote:
Last edited by healingme4me; Jul 13, 2013 at 07:10 AM. Reason: highlighted |
| Jannaku
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#15
Jul 13, 2013, 07:06 AM
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Quote:
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#16
Jul 13, 2013, 09:06 AM
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I am really sorry if I am pissing you guys off... I seriously appreciate your concern for me, trust me, I do! And you are wrong, I do fully know that I am in a abusive relationship. It is exactly why I do not talk about it with my therapist. I know that my boyfriend is treating me like ****, I know I deserve better than this, I know I could do better. My best friend, who is a guy, he is really in love with me since we were kids, and he is an amazing man, he would treat me like a Queen if I was to ever give him a chance. But I do not want to get out... I never even considered it for a second, not even when my bf was at his worst.
But, after your messages, I decided I will give it a thought. I will have a conversation with him tonight and tell him that he needs to start treating me better. He needs to stop calling me names and making me feel bad, he needs to stop sleeping with other women and telling me about it and he needs to stop hitting me. I am sure me and him could work it out... I am sure he actually could change. You guys don't know him... I do. I believe in him. But if he lies to me again and hurts me again, I will try to take a break from him or something... See what that does... I don't know. I am just so confused right now because I can not image my life without him at this point. He is everything I have, everything I want.Please stop making it sound as if I am some poor victim who is too scared to get out. I want to be in. WANT. Because I want him... Maybe I am obsessed or something. But yeah. I will try to speak to him about some actual changes. Again, I really am sorry if I pissed you guys off, it was not my intention... And thank you for being so kind and trying to bare with me. |
| Jannaku
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#17
Jul 13, 2013, 09:54 AM
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I hope that your talk goes well - please let us know how it goes. Thinking of you!
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#18
Jul 13, 2013, 10:58 AM
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Hey your not pissing me off at all. I just want you to see it how we from an outsiders perspective see it. Sometimes its hard to see clearly when you are in it. I just about fell off my chair however when reading your post and read "he needs to stop sleeping with other women". OMG are you serious??? Unless I missed this before I didn't realize that he is also not being faithful to you. I really hope that you have that talk and that something comes of it. Please, mention this to your therapist because the fact that you are in and wanting to be in this relationship is an issue worthy of discussing. It will do you the world of good to discuss and start working through it with your therapist. All the best x
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#19
Jul 13, 2013, 11:32 AM
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IMO, you need much more help than the bf.
You admittedly allow yourself to be abused, you allow your bf to potentially bring home diseases... You admittedly want to stay with someone who thinks absolutely nothing of you. What kind of (abusive) opportunist would not take advantage of that? I honestly suggest you start seeking help for yourself instead of him. Just my 00.02c, I will not be responding to this thread again, due to my own history with an abusive ex, I find silly girls who want to be slapped around highly triggering, and I probably will get *****y and rude if there are further interactions. |
| A Red Panda, hamster-bamster, Jannaku, lynn P., Nessa213
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| A Red Panda, hamster-bamster, Jannaku, Nessa213
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#20
Jul 13, 2013, 11:51 AM
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I say get out of this situation and fast before anything worse happens, such as him acting out his words. If he's slapping you around, that's not good, and he may just kill you during one of his rants.
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| hamster-bamster, Jannaku
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#21
Jul 13, 2013, 11:58 AM
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Quote:
I have a self-defeating personality disorder, and one of its symptoms is not being attracted to caring sexual partners. Once I learned about it, I have started working on overcoming these very dangerous traits, and I cannot tell you how well I am doing now. I do have a caring sexual partner, and although he started the relationship and I just went along in the beginning, without any motivation on my part, after many months of this relationship, I do feel great and enjoy sex with him and eventually will enjoy it more as I grow to appreciate him. So it is possible. People who have the self-defeating personality disorder CAN do much better than they do. It is not that they do not have a choice. They have lots of good choices. They just CHOOSE the worst for themselves. They forfeit their good fortune, disregard good advice of well-meaning people (I cannot tell you how many people, including Trippin, tried to tell me that my ex H abused me verbally and emotionally, big time - I took his side and did not want to believe the well-meaning people who were wiser than me, until I finally figured it out by myself, and went back to thank the well-meaning people who were wiser than me), do not recognize good opportunities when they are presented with them, and, in general, act against their self-interest. In essence, they lack the normal human self-preservation instinct. It is very dangerous, and I, myself, lucked out - I survived a massive suicide attempt I made while still living with then 2nd H. Like Trippin, I am triggered and annoyed by your silly statements; unlike Trippin, I will stay with you on this thread and monitor your updates, because I know how difficult it is for you to see the things for what they are (been there, done that), and, I know that this process of awakening cannot be accelerated - you need to go through this process on your own. So I will stay with you and keep telling you that you are making very bad choices against your self-interest, and all the rhetoric about your WANTING to be in it (as if in your making a CHOICE) does not impress me at all. You are still being silly and acting against your best interest. It would also be lovely if you could give your best friend a chance. Maybe you will be able to enjoy. Who knows. At least give it a try. Also add dependency to it - we take the side of the aggressor and identify with the aggressor. |
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#22
Jul 13, 2013, 12:56 PM
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I have to say... I really agree with everything that everyone has been saying to you.
Your thread is asking if he is a psychopath - yet you've told us that two different psychologists/therapists/psychiatrists (I can't remember what you said and am not reading back) have already said that he is. You already know the answer. I don't understand what you're wanting help with - you've made it clear in your posts that you're willingly staying in this relationship despite ALL the horrible crap he does. It is not a healthy relationship. It is not rational to stay in it. Yes, it can and will be hard to leave. But it is in your own best interests here. His own best interests? Those aren't actually your concern as he is clearly happy with the situation and has no inclination to change anything at all. And why would he? He's got you at home to slap around and berate and make himself feel superior too... he's got you for the image of having a happy and successful and acceptable life.. yet he can go out and please himself and sleep with other women to satisfy those needs. What are you getting? An image of happiness from the sounds of it - but you don't even get to imagine it. Love isn't always enough for a relationship to last - and from what you've said? He doesn't love you at all I would bet money on it. Sorry to sound harsh and if it makes you angry... oh well. I really agree with the posters who have said that you need to go to therapy for yourself. And FYI - if you are hiding something from your therapist and the people you care about? Then THAT is what you NEED to be talking about because it shows that there is something severely wrong with it. Everyone here seems to want the best for you, except yourself. You list off all these horrible things that he does, but you say very clearly that you want to stay in that situation. You cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself. I really, really, hope that you will open up to your therapist instead of wasting your time with them. ((I really feel like I've sounded quite b****y in this post. I'm just a bit in shock and quite worried for you and don't think that gentle sympathy would do anything))
__________________
"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
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#23
Jul 13, 2013, 01:51 PM
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You do have some vision in that you understand that you are in an abusive relationship. So - kudos to you; I did not understand when I was in an emotionally, verbally, psychologically abusive relationship. But then you say that exactly because you are in an abusive relationship, you do not talk about it to your therapist. To that I say to you - why don't you stop seeing your T and send the money you would have paid him to ME?? I really need money - I am severely in debt. Going to the therapist and wasting time and money not talking about the most pressing issue in your life is exactly that - waste of TIME and MONEY. If you send money to ME, instead, you will only waste MONEY, but not TIME - you will be better off. I think it is a good deal; I hope you give it some thought. Quote:
For one, until you can SPEAK to him (or write to him), there is no point in doing anything. You said that you would TRY to speak to him. So you might as well not try - trying would not cut it. You either SPEAK to him, or you won't. Trying has never accomplished anything. Also, a very bad idea to tell him that he NEEDS to START treating you BETTER. A very bad idea. He SHOULD TREAT you WELL. Not needs, but should. Not start but treat, instantly. Not BETTER but WELL ENOUGH. Because if you ask for better, he can go from three murder threats a day to two murder threats a day and that would be BETTER. *** His sleeping with other women seems to be motivated not by a genuine desire to sleep with other women, but by his desire to hurt you via telling you about his sleeping with other women. This is one of the ways in which he is hurting you, but it is a minor one. Table it for now - do not talk about it. Also, do not talk about his making you feel bad - it is too vague. Plus, he does not have full control over how you feel. You need to give him very simple, straightforward instructions that are easy to follow without any ambiguity: No hitting ever; no name calling ever; murder threats would immediately result in your reporting him + your leaving him; suicide threats would immediately result in your reporting him but not leaving him. That is all. Everything else - whom he sleeps with, how stable his job is, his interactions with your family of origin, etc. - will follow suit if he is able to stay within the boundaries of basic sanity by not hurting you physically and not threatening violence against you or self. On a different note, your problem seems to be in that you are too romantic. You are romanticizing your attraction/obsession/whatever you have about him. Probably you read some stories when you were little about girls who only love one man ever in their lives and who can sacrifice everything for this man etc. You seem to be living out some kind of a story of this type, because - reread your post - you are essentially admiring yourself for being in your situation. I hope you will eventually start liking more peaceful genres of literature. But you are right - you are not a poor victim of HIS ABUSE who is too afraid to get out. You are a poor victim of a whole web of dangerous ideas that live in your head. |
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#24
Jul 13, 2013, 05:36 PM
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What I wanted was for you guys to give me your opinion on him. I did not open this thread to get advice about how to leave him, or how to help myself. I am the last person I care about right now, I wanted some help for him. I just thought someone could help me improve my relationship with him.
In any case, I did spoke to him. We had the most serious and mature conversation we ever had until now, and he actually listened to what I had to say without getting mad... He promised he will change and I believe him. We'll handle it on our own, as always. I just wanted someone to talk to, I guess... But all of you guys just tell me to run away and that is not what I want or need to do. So yeah... A moderator can close this thread or delete it. I will clearly not get what I was looking for, I will just piss people off. In any case, thank you all. You're nice, but I think this might just not be the place for me. |
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#25
Jul 13, 2013, 07:30 PM
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I think the issue is actually with how you started your thread.
If you want help in knowing how to handle LIVING with someone who is almost certainly a narcissist... then you know, that's ok. You're asking for coping skills. But you were asking everyone here on how you could help him. Which we can't do, and you can't do that either. I'm glad to hear that you had a good talk. I hope that he was honest and sincere in his responses to you, and that they will last longer than just until he feels you're in a trusting zone again. If you want actual help in how YOU can manage living with someone who is a sociopath? I'd recommend reading things in the Antisocial Personality Disorder forum. There is defiitely a member who frequents there who is married to a sociopath. But from the way your thread has been worded, and your responses? You sound more like a victim of abuse, and that would make everyone here worried - especially anyone who has also been abused or dealy with someone similar to your man. Maybe you should try giving us some of the positives in the relationship, and examples of how you actually help yourself? Because I at least haven't seen any of that in your responses - aside from staying stubborn and true to the fact that you love him, I haven't read anything that's actually positive about your relationship! For what it's worth... I'm friends with someone who is a sociopath. It's a spectrum, to at least some degree. He doesn't have the penchant for violence that your guy does. He has those urges but he doesn't act on them because it goes against the image he wants for himself. I can be friends with him, but I know better than to trust him. He's got some motive or another, and I'm fairly sure that right now it's because I interest him because I don't fit into the normal category that most people do - and I was on to him and had actually distanced myself from him at an early stage. He can't read me like he can others. So what do I do? Well. I can talk to him and I enjoy talking to him. I don't trust him worth a dime and what I confide to him is only what I could actually handle him trying to use against me - it's less than being able to out him as a sociopath. His motivations towards me are that I'm of interest to him - once he figures me out he will get bored. He also likely views me as a challenge as I grew up with two very manipulative people and I am pretty good at resisting it. So he likely will want to see how well he can manipulate me. I also know that he was interested in having a relationship with me. I have zero interest in that, but I would not be surprised to see that he's going to attempt to get to that. In fact I already notice that in our conversations. While slightly different, I'm about 98% sure that my mom and younger brother are narcissists. Also abusive (verbally and emotionally though, not physically), and I've learned to handle it and protect myself from it. From that perspective, all I can see is wanting to protect you, and remembering how I grew up never feeling like I was anywhere near good enough... and attempting suicide due to that. Is it a personal connection that I make with you? Certainly. But likely most of us on here who have posted things that you find disagreeable, have had interactions with people similar to your guy in some regard or another, and we likely all learned things the hard way. Anyway. I sort of just got off topic and I've had a few drinks. I'm just going to end this now as there's no point in me reading what I wrote and trying to sort it out! I do wish you well, although I think that if you started a new thread with a different title and initial message you might actually get the sort of responses that you're wanting. ETA: after clicking "send" I see that my lovely brain wrote narcissist right at the start of the message! Told you I was affected by my own past! hahahaha.
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"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, of ships, of sealing wax, of cabbages, of kings! Of why the sea is boiling hot, of whether pigs have wings..." "I have a problem with low self-esteem. Which is really ridiculous when you consider how amazing I am. |
| Jannaku
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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