This is probably not the appropriate thread, but I am not sure where else to go with it. I am in a three and a half year relationship with a woman diagnosed with bipolar along with a few other mental health issues, to say the least it has been a difficult road, but I have stuck by her side, because I love her and was bound and determined to make it work and learn about the disorder and figure out how we could have a future together. Regardless of her manic episodes, bouts of rage, anger outbursts etc...I have stuck it out....committed to her and her children. In her eyes, I caused her bipolar, but that is a whole different topic.

21 days ago my mother died, I have been having an extremely difficult time dealing with it, I have been on an emotional roller coaster, full of sadness, anger, depression, confusion, typical grief....I am working with a counselor to get through the process in a healthy way, but understand it will take a while. To complicate matters, my mother was an alcoholic, so I need to deal with my "caregiver" role as well. My therapist does not want to prescribe any antidepressants as she thinks I am mentally sound and doesn't want to mask any of the normal feelings I am having but wants me to process through the events, which is difficult, but I plan to get there in due time.....

I have been experiencing anxiety about my future, insecurity, and just feeling bad, I initially did not express these things to my girlfriend, because I was not capable of doing so, but when I felt ready to, I did, she has reacted with rage and told me that the feelings I am having are not feelings at all, but are a reflection of her and that I am demeaning and this is in no way shape or form related to grief and I should not feel the way I feel , I tried to talk and communicate and simplify and just ask two very simple questions... DO we have a future with all of the significant road blocks? the mental health issues, living separate, ex issues, kid issues, out of control spending issues etc...and explain that I am feeling very very bad about myself and that I feel that I am a part of nothing and have no family and want her and her kids to be my family and wonder if that is in our future....she continues to react with rage and makes statements that are not true.....

The second question I asked her is if she could seriously try to understand the feelings I expressed and have insight and empathy and try to be more caring and take care in the things that are exaserbating my grief...

She tells me that I have mental health issues and she for the first time is seeing clearly and I am "out of control" I know I am depressed and was seeking reassurance, help and needed her to be there for me and truly wanted to be able to tell her my true feelings and desires... for us to come together as a family. I told her the role I wanted to play in her life and it angers her, which she denies and tells me I have bled her dry. She tells me that I should be happy that when she was out of control with manic bipolar episodes I should be happy she chose to stay with me...I think to myself....Shouldn't she be happy I stuck by her side??

This is the first crisis I have had in the time we have been together, it has always been her crisis...and this is the first time I have really needed her to be there for me....

She ignores me for as long as she feels like it, and later tells me that is our normal interaction...it is not......

Today, she just stopped talking to me...... Our conversation ended on a good note.

I feel so betrayed. I feel that I was there to get her through her hard times and when I truly needed her.....there is nothing......

The night of my mothers funeral, she became so enraged she broke photos and jewelry once we got home and physically came after me....The next morning, I let it go.....Yet she isn't talking to me because I told her I was feeling insecure and uncertain and needed reassurance?

I feel that I have had two losses......

Is it possible that meds make you not feel things? Or is this typical?

[healingme4me]

I found, AD's diluted feelings, so that I could accept feelings in the moment, without all the extra energy that goes into feelings.

So sorry to read about the loss of you mom

Your gf, I am sorry to read she's putting you through an emotional roller coaster ride. She's not your therapist, it's not up to her to make any type of declaration about your mental/emotional health, as she is not your doctor.

I do not feel, that your gf's reactions have much to do with meds. It's her behavior that sounds like it needs some work. Meds, may, in some ways, take away the intensity of emotions, so that things aren't so overwhelming. That's different from lacking compassion and empathy.

[LadyShadow]

This is tough.

First let me say I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom

As for your girlfriend, well she is not really being fair to you. I understand her pain, living with bipolar is hard, but after years of being by her side, I think she owes it to you to be there for you. I don't think it selfish on your part at all to want a little reassurrance and compassion at this time in your life and she shouldn't be making you feel guilty for that.

But ultimately, I don't know her and her struggles so I am not passing judgement. But I don't think it has anything to do with meds either. Meds help guide you like an anchor, they don't shut off your emotions, at least mine don't.

I live with bipolar and my relationships have been hard for me only because I give too much, but I still feel.

Gentle hugs, and again I am sorry for your loss.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

i'm so sorry for your loss. Honestly I would not look to her for comfort. Do you have other family? Nothing she says about your mental health IMO you can rely on. You know she has a couple disorders and you don't. That can mean that when you see she is acting illogically or without reason it is probably a bad day and not something to take to heart. Granted, that is with the assumption that you keep a clear mind and view about what's really going on. hard to do, especially through your own pain. I would look elsewhere for the love and support you need right now.

[Mae Bee]

Why are you with her? What do you like about her? What exactly are you both bringing to this relationship?

[avlady]

i'm sorry for your loss too. also, maybe your lady friend may be suffering too, because she is watching you go through the grieving process and can't handle it. she probably can't even feel her own emotions if shes bipolar, or doesn't recognise it in herself and can't deal with these new emotions, never having been through such a bad time before. as for the meds, i think you maybe should try to get something to take the edge off, so you don't go into a depression before it starts.

[JadeAmethyst]

I agree with avlady, when both my husband and I are stressed with large life events, all of our health issues are exaggerated to a very large degree. We become overwhelmed at times. We both take meds, and are able to function better.

Are you close to a church or support group for Grief? This could be helpful for your peace of mind during this time. Some cities have grief supports that meet citywide.

I'm sorry for your loss. Be well, be gentle with yourself please.

warmest regards
Jade

[Eyes Wide Open]

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. The stress and pain of a death can be devastating and I am sure that is multiplied with an unsupportive spouse. I think it would have crossed my boundary lines the night of the funeral, you must be a strong man and love her much to stick around. I think if she does not decide to be supportive and understanding you will need to move on in order to process your loss without the added stress of a sick partner. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

[MONKEE]

Sorry so much to hear about your Mum. We are all selfish creatures and sometimes it takes great effort not to be...but we are deserving of comfort and help from each other...sacrificing of self is good for all involved...the Amish say, or so I've read "JOY"--that is Jesus First, Others next, Yourself last...hard to do but it feels so good to give to others, so long as you aren't codependent about it....

[Edda]

It is to your credit that you tried to communicate your needs to her. I'm so sorry she doesn't hear you. You see, most men would have just given up on the girl without communication and dealt with their own issues.

I wish you all the best.

[EBD8]

Your girlfriend is abusing you. I think you should check out Cluster B personality disorders in order to fully understand how and why she reacts the way she does. It won't do you any good to tell her that, you will have more HELL on your hands than you have ever imagined. Many people with Borderline Personality Disorder act exactly like someone who is Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Again a word of caution. Please do not tell her you think she is Borderline. This is about you not her and your mental health and your future.

[Eyes Wide Open]

I agree with E8D8, this type of behavior doesn't sound like bipolar at all. I read several of your other posts and the behavior you describe is in line with BPD. Bipolar manic episodes are not what you describe in your posts, what you are describing is a personality disorder and she is abusing you.

Does she display any of the following?

"BPD is associated with specific problems in interpersonal relationships, self-image, emotions, behaviors, and thinking. People with BPD tend to have intense relationships characterized by a lot of conflict, arguments and break-ups. They also have difficulties related to the stability of their identity or sense of self. They report many "ups and downs" in how they feel about themselves. Individuals with BPD may say that they feel as if they are on an emotional roller coaster, with very quick shifts in mood (for example, going from feeling OK to feeling extremely down or blue within a few minutes).
BPD is associated with a tendency to engage in risky behaviors, such as going on shopping sprees, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol or abusing drugs, engaging in promiscuous sex, binge eating, or self-harming.
People with antisocial personality disorder have been described as lacking empathy (or the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” to understand their feelings), and they may often be deceitful or break the law. Antisocial personality disorder is also associated with impulsive behavior, aggression (such as repeated physical assaults), disregard for their own or other’s safety, irresponsible behavior, and lack of remorse"