[Thorn Bird]

HI! I have been with my partner for over four years about a year into our re lationship things began to change - he would have terrible 'rages' if I disagreed with something he said, he would put me down, belittle me and make me feel worthless. He would leave me and then want me back which is known as discarding and then hoovering. Most of the time I am walking on egg shells, It is like being with Jekyll and Hyde. This change was a big shock and despite his behaviour towards me I still love him - I don't love the emotional abuse which has sometimes been physical although he has never actually hurt me.

Has anyone else had any experience of this - all your help would be greatly appreciated Thank you

[Thorn Bird]

Hi! everyone I am quite new here and still finding myself around. I am in a relationship with someone who is possibly NPD personality disorder. I just wondered if I was on my own here or are there others who are experiencing the roller coaster, Jekyll and Hyde of being with someone with a PD? I love him so much and I know he has suffered in childhood but I it is difficult being on the receiving end of for example 'abuse' and 'rage'.

He says he loves me but do they really love in the same way? What is their actual ability and capacity to love?

[possum220]

That's a really tough question. From my own perspective each person on this earth would vary a lot in their capacity to love and be loved as a whole range of issues and experiences come into play when dealing with human emotions. Just because a person has a mental illness does not mean that love is out of their capacity. What do others think?

Please keep yourself safe and ask him to get help too.

[Edda]

He will walk over you.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by Thorn Bird

HI! I have been with my partner for over four years about a year into our re lationship things began to change - he would have terrible 'rages' if I disagreed with something he said, he would put me down, belittle me and make me feel worthless. He would leave me and then want me back which is known as discarding and then hoovering. Most of the time I am walking on egg shells, It is like being with Jekyll and Hyde. This change was a big shock and despite his behaviour towards me I still love him - I don't love the emotional abuse which has sometimes been physical although he has never actually hurt me.

Has anyone else had any experience of this - all your help would be greatly appreciated Thank you

I am here to learn of other's experience and to be able to put down how I feel. At the moment our relationship is going fairly well - the problem is it doesn't last I never know when his mood will change and he will react to something I say by 'raging' that is when everything starts again - the 'cycle of abuse' and it causes me hurt and pain and stress and I ask myself why am I doing this? Am I waiting for it blow over and hoping it will never happen again? - But, it always does - it always does!

[jack_of_all]

what does NPD mean?

[Thorn Bird]

Thank you for your replies I realised I should have posted in personality disorders. Both replies are good answers I know there is the possibility he will just walk all over me. I do believe he loves but not unconditionally - he loves me like he loves his sports car - maybe that it unfair I just don't think he would hurt me so much if he really loved me - but then again if he is ill maybe he is not aware he hurts me so much

[IndieVisible]

Originally Posted by Thorn Bird

Hi! everyone I am quite new here and still finding myself around. I am in a relationship with someone who is possibly NPD personality disorder. I just wondered if I was on my own here or are there others who are experiencing the roller coaster, Jekyll and Hyde of being with someone with a PD? I love him so much and I know he has suffered in childhood but I it is difficult being on the receiving end of for example 'abuse' and 'rage'.

He says he loves me but do they really love in the same way? What is their actual ability and capacity to love?

I love my children as much as it's possible to love any one for me. We can and do use the term love very loosely and easily and I question if I am even capable of loving anyone or any thing more then myself. I don't have an answer for that however I can tell you that when it comes to my children I love them as much as humanly possible for me. I love my wife but honestly, no to the degree of my children. Anyone else, no. Not even my mother or father or other family. No. Perhaps even my wife, no, but more so then others. I have struggled with this question for a long time. Even though I hate myself some times, I know that I also love myself. We may not love to the same capability as you, but we do indeed have some feeling stronger then like.

[Thorn Bird]

Thank you and I know what you mean about loving your children - I agree it is quite an ambiguous question. I guess I read somewhere that their ability to really love is diminished. I think their efforts are to protect and maintain themselves - at all costs, and this is why so much is about them which naturally decreases their ability to love

[Thorn Bird]

Sorry Jack_of_all NPD stands for Narcisstic Personality disorder - but I think I have spelt it wrong! sorry

[possum220]

Illness or not, people always love differently. The fact that you feel like a possession is a bad sign if you are wanting the relationship to go long term. Maybe time to rethink things?? Don't excuse bad behaviour on the grounds that he may be mentally ill. You deserve more.

[Thorn Bird]

Yes thank you possum I will think on that

[Thorn Bird]

I have accidentally posted in the general mental health forum by mistake I am new hear - so if anyone wants to read more about it - that's where I have posted - just to confuse myself and everyone

[Fuzzybear]

He will likely discard you in a brutally hurtful way.
I think... He may think he loves you?

[shortandcute]

If he abuses you, you need to get out of there.

[catandmouse]

IMHO, and you may not like the answer, but I don't think they are capable of love. Everything they do or say is strictly for their own benefit NO MATTER how sincere it may seem. They are masters of word play and I've learned my BPD/NPD bf will say just about anything in the moment if it benefits him, but the actions never match what he says. Like another poster said, we all love differently, but I feel most of us show it with our actions. Does his actions speak love? Something to think about...

[Fuzzybear]

Sadly, I agree with the above....

[Thorn Bird]

Sorry I posted in the wrong section - so the replies seem to have got a bit confused. I have also posted a similar post here so I am sorry

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by catandmouse

IMHO, and you may not like the answer, but I don't think they are capable of love. Everything they do or say is strictly for their own benefit NO MATTER how sincere it may seem. They are masters of word play and I've learned my BPD/NPD bf will say just about anything in the moment if it benefits him, but the actions never match what he says. Like another poster said, we all love differently, but I feel most of us show it with our actions. Does his actions speak love? Something to think about...

The trouble is I know you are right - his actions hardly ever back up what he says - he has even admitted his is selfish and looks out for number 1. He will do things for me when he is in the mood, when it suits him and although sometimes I think he tries to please - I remain unsure of the motive. It feels so hard to leave because despite everything I love him and we have some very good times.
Why do you stay - you say you no longer love him?

[Thorn Bird]

So my original question which has been joined to the other is do people with personality disorders BPD/NPD love in the same way? I have been thinking about this for sometime and would love people who have partners with personality disorders to forward their opinions on this - Thank you so much

[IndieVisible]

Depends on 2 things usually, the disorder and the person.

For most of the personality disorders yes.

Only exceptions would be NSPD and possibly NPD.

BPD people feel TOO MUCH! So of course they feel love, tho it may be difficult to tell at times.

NPD is definitely a case by case. Certainly it's safe to say that for narcs it's all about them, but I am of the opinion that it depends on the person. Certainly some are capable of feeling love for their own children or spouses too, even if they still place themselves on top for survival purposes.

IMHO we place too much weight and authority on what the "experts" say, and what they say is not based on scientific testing but on their personal observations and opinions and that changes every new release of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). For example in version 4 no mention of empathy issues with borderlines, however in version 5, borders now have serious issues with empathy on the line of NPD. The criteria often changes and some illnesses are removed and new ones added too.

Then there is the Internet where any one can become a expert on their blog or in forums too. Even YouTube! Most are just repeating what they heard like parrots, others are ranting from a past experience they had with an ex, and others still seem to make up crap! It shouldn't be surprising because even the actual real experts often can not agree! And YouTube is even worse! Take Sam Vaknin for example. Self-proclaimed narcissist who has many vidoes on BPD and NPD. He comes of very knowledgeable indeed many think he is a doctor. He is not. He was a professional writer for some Israeli company until he got fired and spent 18 months in jail for fraud. Now he makes his living selling books, speaking and his videos. Most of the time he doesn't know what he's talking about and often contradicts himself. He uses the words sociopath and psychopath so loosely he will apply either even on BPDs. He's just one example too! There are so many videos repeating errors or gross mistakes!

Every one has an opinion and is entitled to expressing it. I just wish they were honest enough to explain it's an opinion or provide a source for their claims. My opinion is we place WAY TOO MUCH weight and authority on mental experts. People with any disorder are all different. Don't paint with a wide brush, it's dangerous and not honest.

[Thorn Bird]

Thank you your words they echo exactly what I think - and I am so pleased you posted - any other information you may have would be greatly welcomed. The way you think seems very similar to mine - in particular your words regarding Sam Vaknin! so thank you again

[Thorn Bird]

Just to thank everyone who has posted with their advice and support. It is very much appreciated and is giving me lots to think about