[Bubble_Fizz]

I am so happy to have found this forum. I truly thought the last few years of my life I was losing my mind. I have lots to say and ask so I apologize in advance because truthfully I have at least a few novels worth of "stuff" that I have suppressed and I don't even know where to begin. So I guess I will begin at the beginning and hope someone out there has the patience to read through it, make any sense of it and offer any advice.

I would love to hear from people who are in a similar experience, and also to get some insight from people who have NPD. I have read through so many articles in the last few days and they sure make NPD's sound evil, ruthless and despicable. The suggestions of "RUN" do not sit well with me. I would not leave someone I loved who was suffering from a debilitating disease even if it meant my life would change drastically. At times I do despise my husband's behavior (but who doesn't at any given time in any relationship?) but I love him immensely and see through his "facades" even before realizing he more than likely has NPD. Maybe I am naive and have my own disorder and that is why I am in this situation? Sometimes I see signs of NPD in myself as well.....but then I have way too much empathy! I know I have my own serious issues and many of you will think I am nuts for staying with him. I am truly not at a point where leaving him is an option or on my agenda. I see myself with him for the rest of my life at this point. Again it's long winded and all over the place as this is the first time I have ever spoken about my relationship so please forgive me and bear with me if you can! I will start with the “bad” and then go on to the good although after reading the bad I am sure you will be thinking what good could have come out of this. Anyway will just put everything out there, here goes!

I first met my now "husband" about 25 years ago when I was a young teen. We had a very strong connection (nothing sexual-I was still a virgin then) but it was very brief yet powerful. I have many pages of my diary "dedicated" to him. We met at an all-ages club and really it was the first time I experienced "boys" paying attention to me. Our attraction was magnetic, yet innocent. We made out, (I was always impressed by how respectful he was. He never attempted to “cop a feel”….he kept his hands around my waist and just kissed me for what seemed like hours) we talked on the phone here and there. I wasn’t sure about him as this kind of attention was very new for me. I just knew I liked how I felt around him, thought he was pretty intense and demanding and wasn’t sure if I could/should trust him.

However, I was then won over by a “friend” of his who went out of his way to "steal" me away from him. My self-esteem was very low then and he just knew the right things to say and do and eventually my life started to revolve around him (his friend). That was my first relationship (more infatuation on my part because I got very little out of it – but lost my virginity with him and would have nothing to do with anyone else for about 4 years). I learned that people cannot be trusted from that relationship. It made me cynical and not as open and loving and unconditional in my relationships after.

Obviously during that time “D” and I lost touch until many years later when I saw him on the bus. He remarked how great I looked and those old feelings he used to give me came back. He was just so strong and powerful and I felt like he could see right through me. He spoke his mind and was brutally honest which I felt safe with, despite being quiet, reserved and shy. I grew up with parents who were completely dysfunctional when it came to communication (and just being a family) so I always had to tiptoe around wondering what everyone was TRULY feeling....reading body language etc. Anyway, I am digressing but I loved that he was so open and honest - just said what he felt. I liked feeling his power over me even though nothing sexual or any relationship ever happened between us.

I was in the process of moving to another country (wanted an escape and to start a new life), so seeing him kind of threw me a curve. He asked me to meet me the next day and I agreed. I waited at the arranged spot, he never showed up. I saw that as a sign to keep moving forward with my plans to leave and that's what I did. I moved away, got married (at 22), got divorced after 7 years-moved back home to Canada, over a year later left the country again for 3 years, moved back home got married again, got divorced again and was reunited with my now husband just before my divorce became official.

My relationship prior to this one had already been over for over a year, we were just going through the motions. He had a girlfriend and I "found" my now husband accidentally through facebook. Someone had posted a picture of a friend of his and I commented on the picture - this person (who I later discovered was his sister) was in contact with him, she mentioned the comment to him and next thing he was sending me messages through asking if I was "Bubble_Fizz".....and from there it started.

I had been through a very emotional time with my ex who was always very good to me. We simply were not compatible, physically, emotionally. He was quite passive and I realize my own dysfunction makes me turn men like this to ground beef....not even....more like ground soy! I test them and test them to see how much they will protect me and be strong (yes I have Daddy issues but I will not torture you with that and there is not enough space!) and never leave.....they always fail the test. I ended up in both my marriages feeling like the only thing I seemed to do well in a relationship was hurt my partner. I hated myself for it. I was always the “stronger” one in my last 2 relationships and I didn’t feel comfortable with that….I am very feminine by nature but for some reason was choosing men that were this way. Maybe as an outlet to release my anger and hurt from my first relationship? Once that relationship was officially “over” I started seeking casual relationships where I would be the one who makes the person's life "better" in some way. Whether through conversations or sex....I would make them feel happy in some way.

During this period is when I met my now husband who I will call "D". I was not in the best place emotionally to be in a relationship but "D" came in like a tornado and before I knew it we were together almost all the time. He told me he always thought about me and wondered what happened to me....that I was the "one who got away" that he always knew there was something “special” about me (hmmm...has a different meaning now that I understand a bit about NPD). Our relationship got very passionate and intense very quickly. I was still living in the same house as my ex at that point, which didn't feel right to me even though nothing was a secret. I just didn't feel right or ready just coming out of a relationship and throwing myself into another one. I was quite aloof with him at times. We spoke for hours upon hours on the phone when we weren't together. I still had doubts about things although I was very impressed with his gestures and declarations of love even though at times they were a bit overwhelming because of where I was at emotionally.

I told him I wasn’t ready to meet any of his family yet he insisted on introducing me to his sister. Our interactions were very “charged” emotionally and sexually. He talked a lot about having a future with me, having children, moving somewhere warm and having a business together. He would told me his way of thinking was sometimes “weird or different” and that he knew he wasn’t always easy. Soon he got possessive and demanding very fast and started showing signs of aggression. If I arrived late to see him and it was because my bus wasn’t on time he would check the schedule online and tell me I was lying. (I wasn’t) He would have “dreams” that I was cheating on him, and wake up out of the blue and go into a rage. One time he woke up, grabbed all my stuff and threw it out the door (we were at his place at the time) and grabbed me so hard it left bruises. There were more of those to come. He told me the next day that as he watched me walk away that day he threw me out that he was hoping with all his heart that I would turn around and look at him….which I happened to do…..because that meant to him that he hadn’t lost me. It baffled me how he could think I was cheating on him and then still want me? Why wouldn’t he just leave it at that and never talk to me again? But there were many more episodes like that.

One time we were having sex and he suddenly said “it feels like someone else has been there”. I was furious. I told him never to touch me again if he felt that I was cheating on him! But then I found doing things like trying not to get too aroused or “wet” before we got intimate because I wanted to avoid those situations! Still at that time I had some spunk to keep putting him in his place, and he often said things like “you sure showed me something yesterday”…….but it seems as time progressed I lost the energy to battle and just gave in.

There was also an episode where he took my phone and found pictures of me in suggestive positions in it. They were actually pictures I had just for myself with the intentions of sending them to a man that I was talking to way before “D” came into my life when I was experimenting with being in more casual relationships. I never got rid of them and when he found them he said it destroyed his image of me, of them girl he met all those years ago. I often told him, he never even had a chance to get to know me back then, so what image could he be talking about? But anyway, this apparently bothered him greatly and he brought it up often.

We eventually moved in together (new place I found) and his lack of trust of me just kept intensifying. He worked from home and I had a full time job that kept me away from 9-5. Eventually he started making comments about my whereabouts during the day. What I was “really” doing. My life and world became smaller and smaller. He didn’t like hearing me have conversations with anyone in my family. He said it was because he knew I had unresolved issues with them and that when I talk to them, I am fake playing the role of a “good girl”. He often said, “how come you take the time to put me in my place and don’t do so with them?” My resolution to this was to stop talking to them around him. I stopped answering the phone and took off any notifications that caused a flashing light to appear on my phone which caused a lot of stress…..who is calling? Why would you have the ringer off? Etc. I made a lot of excuses to family about not meeting for special occasions because I knew the accusations of where I “really” was would start to fly and I didn’t have the energy for it. It was an on-going theme….he believed I was unfaithful and I never was and never have been. I have other issues but that isn’t one of them.
In hindsight I now know that had I been true to myself then, just been “me” instead of what I thought he wanted me to be, I would have saved myself quite a bit of stress. But I wasn’t strong enough. This is actually one of the things I learned to love about him. He actually forced me to be REAL and not a chameleon. He often said that he doubted me about certain things because of how I reacted. I was so busy trying to say things or do things in the “perfect” way that would please him in that moment that it came across that I was always hiding something. He kept telling me to just be me. I am just learning to do that now and actually that is when peace finally came to our relationship. OK but I have digressed again! Sorry but I am having a few epiphanies as I write this!

There was an episode when we first moved in together that scarred him tremendously and to this day he still brings it up from time to time. I never expected it to hurt him so much, but I now have a better understanding why it did. After a very difficult night filled with accusations just before he moved in with me I mustered up the strength to tell him I wanted to be alone that night to think. I was drained and scared as he had said and done things that made me feel unsafe, and I had never been in that position before. I told him to give me his key and just to let me be that night. This was the first time I saw sadness in him. He cried and said, “you of all people? I got it from my mother and took it, but you?” I stood my ground, he gave me the key and I had the night to myself. He of course believes that I told him to leave because I was bringing someone else over. He couldn’t see for a second how his behaviour had caused me to ask him to leave. I wanted to feel some sort of control again. It was short lived and I have paid for that moment many times over.

A background about “D” to help you understand. He grew up in home with only women. Father was never in the picture. Mother was physically and emotionally abusive with him only. His mother would beat him with different objects and often come home from work with a new object she had created to beat him with. She would lock him out of the house from a very early age. She would leave prepared lunches for his sisters to take to school but nothing for him. At Christmas time there were stacks of gifts for his sisters but nothing for him. The women he was surrounded with all disliked men. He tried to get himself involved in sports after school to keep him busy but his mother constantly told him he was too small, or too weak or that she didn’t have money for that kind of thing. To keep himself sane he said he did as much as he could outside with his friends not coming home unless it was to eat or sleep but still his mother found reasons to punish him. When he was 14 he and some friends got into some trouble in the neighbourhood and were taken in by police. The judge told them they would all be let off with a warning or they could be put in a detention centre. When he spoke to each parent about whether they were in agreement, all his friends’ mothers said they were taking their son home. He said he will never forget the feeling of “knowing” his mom was going to say the same, and hearing her say “no judge, you take him, I can’t deal with him”. He said it was the worse than any beatings he ever got. That some of his friends had done worse yet their mothers loved them enough to take them home. He was put in a detention centre for close to a year. When he came back home he said it was hard to control his anger. His mother thought that she could still control him and when he was 15 she went to slap him and he grabbed her and threw her against the wall telling her that was the last time – that he was not a little boy anymore. He moved out not much longer after that. He said he worked hard, paid his own bills, put a lock on his door (his youngest sister kept stealing his money and his mother refused to believe it) which infuriated the mother and then eventually moved in with another sister until he could be on his own. He says he knew his mother saw him as a representation and took out all her rage on him. He didn’t speak to her for about 14 years and only got back in touch with her (on his initiative) about a year before I was reunited with him. Always admired that about him after all she did. He has since been working on building back a relationship with her.

I knew later on when I asked him for the key why it upset him so much. I don’t know why he has always accused me of being unfaithful.

There were lots of ups and downs after that. I found myself rushing everywhere I had to go so that he wouldn’t be suspicious of me. Again, in hindsight had I just gone about what I had to do, with the attitude of let him believe what he wants, I would have saved myself a lot of stress but I didn’t. My life completely revolved around him and his moods. (reminiscent of my father when he was around although my father was very passive aggressive). He cooked for me, fell in love with my cats (he never grew up with pets so it was a big deal), had a very passionate intimate life and spent a LOT of time together.

One thing that troubled me from the start was the way he was with me intimately. He was often very rough and I would be in pain for days afterwards. He was extremely controlling and would get angry if I told him what he was doing hurt. And for some reason, I just took it. Often if I couldn’t take it anymore and would ask him to stop he would again say something like “were you with someone else?….why else would it hurt?” It infuriated him when I didn’t act like what he was doing didn’t do anything other than give me pleasure. He would get intimate with me just when I had to get up to go to work, and I didn’t have to guts to tell him to stop because I had to go. I started arriving to work late and trying to find ways to sneak out early so that I could get home to him and he wouldn’t think I was doing something else. Thus completely backfired on me and he doubted me more! I found out later on that he thought, if I wasn’t telling him to stop in order for me to get to work on time, then I mustn’t have the kind of job I told him I had. It’s like he was testing me, I was trying to please him while sacrificing myself, which made him sense that something wasn’t right or genuine – leading him to believe I was lying to him about something, which he chose to believe was about me being unfaithful. The moments of me “putting him in his place” became fewer and fewer and our relationship became very much “Father-daughter” with me submitting to just about all his requests.

He often said “is there something you aren’t telling me”…..and I always said no. It got to the point that he became so obsessed with asking me this that I thought he could somehow read my subconscious and told him things that were very personal that I have never told anyone. I kept thinking he was picking up on something! Yet each time I told him something thinking he would stop asking, it would come up again. He started to say he knows I am hiding something from him and that it makes him wonder what else I could be hiding. For the life of me I couldn’t think of anything I felt I was hiding! He said he even put a time limit on it, hoping by a certain day I would have told him, and that I never did. Only 6 months ago did I figure out what it was, but he changed with me because of the fact that I “hid” something from him.
When I was still living in the house with my ex, going through the divorce process, there was a week when my ex’s girlfriend came to town to visit and he went to stay with her in a hotel. During that week “D” stayed with me there. I guess he did some snooping while I was at work and found pictures of my first marriage that I had never told him about. He often asked me if I had pictures from my old relationships and I would tell him no simply because I grew up thinking that you don’t talk about your ex’s with your present partners. I don’t really care to see pictures of him and his past women, so I would never expect it to be so important to someone. I didn’t intentionally go out of my way not to share the fact that I was married to someone other than the man he knew about, I just wanted to forget it because it was a failure to me and I wasn’t proud of that time. But turns out it was extremely important to him and he held it in for a long time rather than just asking me about it directly – he wanted me to bring it up. Anyway, the fact that I didn’t tell him and in the time period he gave me (he later said he gave me so many chances, but I just never “got” what it was that he thought I was hiding. He assumed so often that I was cheating on him that I just assumed it had to do with that and thought he was nuts. He had actually accused me of being a prostitute a few times – thought that’s what I am doing as my “job”…..I see how through catering to him (leaving work at his beck and call and reacting defensively when he accused me of something rather than telling him he was nuts) how I helped him create that image of me.

A few days before a new year, we had a great few days. He was insanely passionate but not in a hurtful way. It was like he wanted to make love every hour and we did! We stayed in bed for an entire weekend watching movies, cuddling, ordered food. It was a great few days where I felt a bit of peace. I was amazed at how much time he could spend with me and not get bored. We were actually at our best when we were together. It was when we were separated even briefly that bigger problems arose. Anyway, he finally left to go see his mother, gave me a kiss goodbye. When he didn’t come home later on I called and texted but got no response. I never saw or heard from him again for over 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks were the worst of my life. I had become so saturated with him, being with him, in good and bad….I cried and I cried and I truly felt like I would die just not knowing if he would ever come back. I took time off work. I waited outside areas where he would frequent, I sent letters for him to his mother’s house, his sister’s house, even his barber! I bought and sent him a jacket to his mother’s house that he always wanted. I just fizzled down to nothing. I felt worthless without him and tortured by not knowing what was going on. One day while online I saw him pop up on yahoo messenger. Thinking he had something against me, I created a fake profile and sent him a message. He responded asking who I was. I was too emotional to play games that I just told him it was me. Within an hour he was sitting in the lobby of our apartment building….he had lost a lot of weight and when I asked him where he had been and why he left like that he said he went on a spiritual retreat and that I wouldn’t understand. He had told me he had done this before where you go somewhere and get stripped down materialistically, eat very little and just meditate. I asked why he couldn’t tell me and he said that was the part I wouldn’t understand. That people who do it know you don’t advertise that you are doing it – just leaving is part of the process. WHATEVER I thought but of course at that time I was just so happy to have him back I didn’t care. I catered to his every whim and adored him and the strength he had to do what he did.

Life afterwards continued to be an emotional roller coaster ride. The highs were high and the lows very low. We still spent an incredible amount of time together. When we were together all day I enjoyed his company. It was me going to work that continued to cause problems. When I was home I was helping him work on a business project in the hopes of getting us more stable financially. I enjoyed working on it with him. He had lots of complaints and it seemed nothing I did was ever good enough, but I learned his “ways” and simply did what he liked to the best of my ability. Eventually he told me is I didn’t quit my job, it was the end of our relationship. I gave my notice and left a few months later I was officially home with him all day. Our arguments were intense when we had them, him packing his suitcase and me running after him into the street begging him not to go. He told me he hated that and I told him once I stop caring I would stop fighting for him. I feared him, I adored him, I resented him, I was in awe of him. I was also exhausted. I do have quite a temper and he “punished” me in different ways whenever I used it out of frustration. A big change from when he would say “you sure showed me something”. Now, he would threaten to leave, would disappear for a while, come back, give me the silent treatment, I would be on my best behaviour, things would be good and the process would start over again. I learned not to be so disrespectful in my anger (I always had an issue of being quite wicked with my words in my past relationships – I realize now it was to test my partners to see how much they could take). “D” told me he sensed that in me and put an end to it quick because he knew if he was “weak” with me I would leave. Because of this our relationship changed a bit. He “took away” a lot of the things I loved about how he was with me. I loved his strength but I also loved his softer side because it made me feel so good that it was me he chose to share it with. He often told me that he had never “wanted” any woman as much as he wanted me, both physically and emotionally, and said he felt he just couldn’t get enough of me. He would tell me he loved me when I said it first, tell me he missed me when I was working, held me all night, kissed me etc. But he stopped doing certain things. And of course this “thing I was hiding” kept coming up and causing chaos. Even though I was with him pretty much all day every day he still accused me indirectly of cheating. He would make nasty side comments every so often and often wake up and touch me very aggressively. I never faltered though. I cried, I yelled, I cried more than I have in my life time in the years I have been with him. But I had spent many years holding in emotions before I met him and while it was draining it also provided a release. But his doubts about me enraged me, exhausted me and made me question my existence. I could not for the life of me understand how after everything I had been doing, and showing him and all the time I was physically with him that he would/could still doubt me. Now he was even doubting what I was doing when he was sleeping! I tiptoed around him a lot. When I did he would say I was being “sneaky”, when I didn’t he would ask why I was making so much noise. I paper placed in the wrong spot or his shoes out of place would cause him to get angry and question who was touching his stuff. Doing his laundry was a huge problem because if by chance a sock went missing he would want to know why and somehow convince himself that I was letting “others” into the apartment when he wasn’t there. It was so irrational to me. I used to try to have empathy because he once told me of a woman he was and lived with who was a prostitute on the side and never told him, and she would bring “clients” to their place while he was working night shifts. He said these were people he worked with that didn’t like him and that they often took his things. To this day, after what I have experienced I am not sure if this woman was just going through what I was going through, with his constant irrational doubts, or if it really happened.

Anyway, at that point I thought the only way to keep sane was to have empathy and believe it was that experience that made him as he was.
One night he woke up out of a dream, stood up, picked up long stick I had that the cats liked to play with, and hit me on the head with it saying “so THAT’s what you do when I am sleeping!”. I was scared so I stayed quiet thinking he was having a nightmare (he told me he was tormented by nightmares as a child and would run to his mother and she would belittle him for crying and being scared). He acted like he was going to pack his suitcase (a huge source of trauma for me as I obviously have abandonment issues) but then went to lay down again and fell asleep. I left him a note saying “is everything ok” before I left to go see my mother, and when I came back he was gone. Again, disappeared for 2 weeks. I went through the same torture as before but worse because I knew he was upset at me for something although I just didn’t get it! After about 15 days I was woken up in the morning by the sound of my bedroom door opening. It was him opening his closet and acting like he was taking things out of it. I jumped up half asleep and said “what are you doing”? he said getting my stuff out. I ran to him and cried and begged and pleaded as usual when he threatened to leave. He pushed me away, I fought back and eventually things calmed down and he sat down and spoke to me. Again I was more concerned with just having him back. I asked where he was, he danced around somehow. I noticed tan lines, and told him obviously he had gone on vacation. He never gave me a straight answer, but brought up little tid-bits here and there the following days but never saying where he was directly. He said he went somewhere but was disappointed about how things went. He said he hadn’t planned it really but suddenly things including the money for it just seemed to “fall into place”. I just let it go for then, until I found out through a bit of prying where he really went and what he was doing but that wasn’t until a few months later. (will get to that) It truly made no sense to me though. If he left because he thought I was doing something while he was even sleeping, why would he bother coming back? Now he was acting as if all was ok. I acted like I was fine but it weighed on me.

Why did he doubt me so much? First it was when we still weren’t together but then we moved in together and the doubts continued, then it was my job, but after I left the doubts continued, then it was while he was sleeping even! I just felt like there was nothing I could do to show this man that I was worthy of his trust. I did everything he asked (with the exception of being disrespectful when I was hurt and angry and running my mouth off). I catered to his obsessions of keeping and doing things just the way he wanted and liked and I genuinely learned to appreciate his ways about how he liked things. He always told me he is picky about how certain things are done, like his laundry and food and I respected that and he ended up cooking most of the time anyway. I just didn’t know what else I could possibly do!

When talking to him about this he asked me to do something that I have never shared with anyone and it is hard for me to even write this. For me, despite all the negative, I had made him out to be my hero, my savior, the “daddy” I never had. He once told me “your father’s loss is my gain”. I adored him and wanted him so badly to see that and to trust me. My WORLD was him! Why couldn’t he see that? We both grew up in very different backgrounds and he was exposed to a lot of things that I never was so when he asked me to do this certain thing I was devastated.

While hugging me and kissing me and saying all the perfect things, he told me he had spoken to someone and they had told him a great way to make money, without having to be a slave to a 9-5 job, and would let us stay together. I asked him what, and he said becoming an escort. He said many people were doing it through ads online and that you don’t even have to leave your house. I was disgusted and so hurt! In my eyes, he was my protector and was supposed to keep me safe and the thought of me doing this meant that he was throwing me to the wolves and in my mind, couldn’t love me because a man who loves his woman wouldn’t want any other man laying a hand on her. He told me that wasn’t the case and that if I truly loved him this would be the ultimate way to “show him”. The way I was functioning then, that was all I needed to hear. I told myself that if I did it he would never doubt me again because it was such a huge deal (to me and I thought to him) that we would basically live happily ever after afterwards. I cried….I cried a lot. I threw up a lot….but I did it as ashamed as I am to say it. It made good money, and he took extra good care of me. But deep down I felt that there was no way he could love me as he said. My own deep rooted issues made me feel that a man in possessive of his woman if he loves her. I did my best. I rarely complained.

A few months later I did some “snooping” of my own. I never really doubted him as far as being faithful went because we were together all the time. He had mentioned to me when we first met that his plan was to leave the country and find a woman there because he couldn’t deal with the modern feminist type of woman he was finding here in North America. He had told me about a few trips he made overseas and even the details about his interactions with women, and they seemed more on the cold side. When we first started talking, he told me that he would often meet women here, talk to them for a while, and he said they would often ask him why he never wanted to have sex with them. He said it was a huge turn-off. He said that not all men are sex craved and was honest and said he would often ask them for oral sex but nothing else and it would bother them. Prior to reuniting with me he went to Australia for a year and never had a woman physically other than the woman he spoke to online from other countries. I knew sex was pretty hot and heavy with us but I genuinely knew sex was not a huge item on his agenda in general and especially in his past. I remember once he showed me his collection of old Beverly Hillbillies episodes and told me that while all his friend thought Elly May was hot, he thought Jane Hathaway was “sexy” in some way because to him she looked like the kind of woman that would never leave him. Says a lot again in hindsight.

Anyway, my “snooping” proved this to some degree as I found old emails written to other women before I came into the picture and they proved just what he said. It did show that he was searching for women in other countries, looking for a “wife”. Fine. But then I found a host of other emails that devastated me. These emails were written during a time when I was still working (sorry I have jumped around a lot) they were to friends (some females) he had met in his travels overseas over the last few years telling them he was planning a trip to go to Cuba in September. The emails were dated from roughly January of the same year. He had been planning this for about 6 months, telling these people to be prepared for his arrival. I saw the emails for his tickets so I saw the dates for his departure and return. Funny enough his departure was 2 days after the night he woke up saying “so that’s what you do when I am sleeping!” He always had doubts about me yes, but it seems he created that scenario in order to leave to go to Cuba. It wasn’t a spur of the moment thing – he had carefully planned it. Then, there were emails from a woman that came after he returned from his trip. She professed her love to him, told him that her family missed him and asked if he would still be coming back in December. He responded to her the same way, never saying he loved her, but that he was so drawn to her (keep in mind they don’t speak the same language are communicating using google translation) and that he was doing all that he could to come back to her to take care of her and her son and mother and that he wanted to get to know her to see if she could be his woman. I found an email of a receipt of a money transfer where he sent her $50 and a bunch of other emails with her asking him to send him more money, that it was her son’s birthday etc etc. I have lived in other countries so I know how this works. She know the perfect things to say to get what it is that she truly wants (his money). In hindsight again I should have not interfered here and let him learn the hard way but that wasn’t my state of mind. Then there were a lot of emails from her asking why he hadn’t been in contact but others where she thanked him for calling. In a few emails he told her that he thought about her all the time. I looked at the dates of the emails and realized that some of the calls he was making were when I was “working” doing what he asked me to do to show him how much I loved him.

I found her phone number, and speaking Spanish myself I called her and asked her directly about “D” and it she had sex with him. She said yes. I don’t remember exactly how I confronted him. I know I didn’t do it directly. I know that he never gave me a straight answer although he didn’t react with anger at all. He actually seemed impressed somehow? What he did say is “did I tell you that?” To which I replied, “So is that how I should respond to you when you doubt me all the time?” he then said, “you seem to think we are both on an even playing field”. I didn’t let it go and used it many times as arsenal in our disagreements. I reminded him that he asked me to do something that was very difficult for me, and I did it to “show him something” as he asked. I did it thinking he would somehow love me more and definitely never doubt my love for him. And he repaid me by talking to other women, thinking of other women while I was behind a closed door letting men paw at me for money. I don’t think anything has hurt me more in this world, and later on (not right away) I made sure I let him know. I often would ask him if he didn’t feel shame selling his woman in order to make money. I brought it up whenever I could. After that, having access to all his emails, I saw that the message to this woman stopped. She sent him one letting him know she knew about me and how hurt she was. But then a month or so later another email asking why he isn’t writing her anymore and that she would like to be friends. I called her a few times; even spoke to members of her family who clearly told me that there was not contact between her and “D” anymore. That they wouldn’t allow it even if he tried. I spoke to her and she told me for her he doesn’t exist. Just to test things out, I said thank you and if you ever need anything let me know. A few weeks later she sent me a text message with her entire bank account info and directions on how to wire her money. That her mother is sick, her sister just had surgery etc etc. Just what I thought.

The escorting became more of a chore than ever after that. I didn’t feel motivated. I just didn’t care. “D” started getting pickier and pickier. How I answered the phone wasn’t right, what I was saying wasn’t right, the directions I was giving were too detailed….I either let them stay too long or not long enough. It was like he thought I had done it all my life. And then he made a comment that showed me he thought I had done it before. He thought that when I was going to work (by the way I was a social worker working with families with young children) I was working as an escort for someone else. I told him how ridiculous that was and that if he really wanted to find the truth about it that it would be easy as I had all my work records and he could call my boss etc. He told me he didn’t need to….that there were other ways that her knew. Made no sense to me. I realize he punished me a lot for not being an “open book” from the very beginning. I know I could have been less private about my life outside of him and that would have calmed some of his fears. Once I figured that out I would ask him to pick me up from work sometimes, thinking that would help, but it really didn’t. It wasn’t enough and I just wasn’t the “open book” type at that point in my life. When I told him this he told me I should have told him that from the beginning and he would have just let me be. Anyway, so for some reason he believed I was an escort for someone else when I said I was working. It diminished what I was doing to “prove my worth” to him. Why did he ask me to do this? I just kept asking myself over and over. Why would he? I truly believed it would mean the world to him.

Things went up and down as usual…..when I had what he called my “outbursts” he would leave…each time a little bit more because he felt I still hadn’t “learned”. He told me that really he had no problems with me at all with the exception of “my mouth” when I was upset. I always disliked that part of me because I felt out of control in moments when I felt emotional and my mouth would just keep going. He would tell me that it may have worked with the other men in my life but would not work with him. He said how I tried to use it with him for a while, and he let me get away with it but not anymore. And he was actually right. I did use it to test men and I liked that he wouldn’t let me get away with it. It didn’t do me any good in any way so making that change was not a hard decision, but actually following through became hard because he knew how to push my buttons. The other thing that confused me so much was that here he was telling me that he “had no problems with me other than my mouth” – so what about me cheating on him at work, when he was sleeping? What was all that suffering and stress for? And his only problem was my mouth? It made no sense to me and never will!

The issue with me not telling him “something he knew” still loomed heavily and he would still bring it up anytime he could. Anytime I would ask him to be honest with me he would say angrily “you have a lot of nerve asking for honesty!” I would respond by saying “after all these years and the torture you put me through with whatever it is you are talking about, don’t you think I would just tell you if I knew what the hell it was?” he knew the worst and most secret parts of my life! Heck, a week after we met up again he asked me if he could read my diary! What else did he want?

One day casually sitting in the living room talking about our parents. I was telling him how my parents never communicated – everyone had to guess what they were feeling and it was so draining. I told him how I spoke to my mom and she was shocked that I was already divorced (she didn’t know it was official). I wasn’t going out of my way to hide it from her, I am just not used to communicating things about my life to anyone unless they specifically ask because my experience as a child was that people are not interested in my life. So I learned to keep things to myself. Then, very naturally I brought up my first marriage. I told him how I never told anyone that me and my ex actually got married in court (at 19) with bubble gum machine rings! And that I never told anyone that, until him now, not even my mother! I told him that again its not that I was trying to hide anything, I just didn’t think anyone was interested. I told him how later on we had a “proper” wedding (these were the pictures he saw when he did his snooping) but it was really “fake” because we were already married! I told him how embarrassed I was by it all and that it didn’t succeed because I always had a dream of having one man my whole life. It all just came up naturally. I didn’t even realize that this was the “big issue” he held against me for not telling him until later on because I remembered the expression on his face when I told him. To this day he still has not told me that was the issue, but certain side comments are not heard anymore.

So I realize now what he did was this. He found out about my first wedding, felt that I was hiding it from him for some reason. Gave me “opportunities” to tell him about it, when I didn’t he put a time limit on it and told himself if I didn’t tell him by then he would move on with his life somehow, which is why he went to Cuba and started up something with this woman. I don’t know if he is capable internally of feeling stupid, but I think he should because if he is so open and direct he should have just asked me or confronted me and told me our relationship was over because I did not tell him this “thing”. But he didn’t. He judged me for not opening up to him the way he thought I should. But I am happy that it happened the way it did because it showed him that it was never the big secret he thought it was. And had he just given me time to trust and open up he would see that it was not something evil and sinister.

I was still escorting unwillingly. But I had become accustomed to his peculiarities and catered to them. I learned to stroke his ego regularly but genuinely. My “outbursts” became fewer, although when they did occur it was like it was the end of the world. He would often say, obviously that’s just the way you are and you will never change. I would tell him “so the 29 days of the month when I am peaceful and calm and quiet, that isn’t me?” I got used to doing certain things in order to avoid his imagined suspicions. I realized that any changes ever so small could set him off. He would question me about ridiculous (in my mind) things. If he couldn’t find something, it was my fault and I must have let someone touch his things. I bought a huge cabinet with a key and told him to lock everything up and save me the stress. I stopped doing his laundry so that things that could not be accounted for would not be my fault. Things were a bit more peaceful but he stopped talking about “us” …..he stopped doing certain things that he used to, which I know is a common complaint for many women after the “honeymoon stage” but I guess I figured he would be lavishing me with attention after showing him how much I cared by doing the escorting. And we did spend way more time together than the average couple so we rarely had time to miss each other.

I was never the affectionate type in fact I was the “colder” partner in my relationships. The way I was with him was not the way I had ever been with anyone else. As weird as it may sound I enjoyed feeling “feminine”, like a woman with him. I liked that he was in control, and enjoyed being submissive. He would always cook for me, take me to the gym and train me, have long conversations with me, and show me “love” in those ways. At the gym once he was training me and I hyper-extended my knee with some pretty heavy weight on the machine….he pulled me out of the machine so fast before the weight came crashing down, picked me up and carried me away, called a cab and got me to a hospital. My knee luckily wasn’t broken as he thought but ligaments were torn and it was swollen and painful. Every day twice a day he would take care of my knee but putting hot and cold compresses on it, elevating it and making sure I was not exerting myself. Of course, I told him often he was my hero and how if it wasn’t for him my knee would probably be crushed. I told him how I bragged about how he cared for me to the physiotherapist…..I was genuine but I knew hearing it was important for him. Actually, anytime I have been sick he has gone above and beyond to take care of me. Not sure how NPD that is?

So when I would pester him asking why he wasn’t showing me love the same way, he would look at me eating a nice plate of food that he just made and say “who made that”? And remind me that there are other ways to show love.
I noticed that he wasn’t obsessively looking at the phone (for the escorting) as much or getting irritated if I missed a call. I felt happy because I still had this fantasy that he would tell me to stop one day. I knew I would continue to do it for him until he told me not to. It was important to me that he be the one to make it official if I was no longer to do it. I had made it clear that this was for him. That had it been up to me it never would have been an option. I did it for him and whether or not it meant anything to him was his problem not mine – it was for him. Anyway, one day while watching a movie together, he made a comment that I don’t remember but it showed me that he wasn’t about to tell me to stop escorting, and because I was feeling warm and fuzzy thinking things were headed that way I just lost it.

I got up and told him what I thought was going on, how I didn’t understand how he could expect me to stay motivated after knowing that he was talking to another woman while he had me doing this, and knowing that for some reason he thinks it is second nature to me because for some insane reason he thinks I have done it before. I asked why he didn’t feel shame, selling his woman. I asked him how he could truly love me and have asked me to do it…..and I cried from my guts and soul asking him over and over “why me”….why did you choose me to ask this of? Did he ask any other woman in his life to do this? Why was he telling some woman in another country he will take care of her, knowing nothing about her, but me he asks to lower myself in order to make money? It was as raw as I have ever been, but not with anger, just deep sadness. It threw him off but he let me talk and then I think he didn’t know what to do and stupidly got defensive which made me get angry especially when he said the “not like you haven’t done it before” comment. I picked up my stuff and went to the door. He acted like he didn’t care but when I told him if that’s what he truly believed then we should just end things. He tried to play cool and said ok, well then just give me a hug so I can thank you for all you have done. I told him not to touch me and asked him what kind of psychopath he was that he thought I could just turn my feeling off and on like that. I told him that people that actually have hearts are not able to do that! He told me that by the end of the week he would take his stuff out and leave but that he wasn’t able to now. I told him to go to his sisters and get his stuff later if he truly wants to leave. I told him then (and had told him before) if you truly believe I have deceived you, if you believe I can’t be trusted, if what I am doing means nothing to you then please leave me. This always throws him off because he is so used to me begging him not to leave him. Yet I find when I beg and plead he responds negatively, but when I put my foot down, he opens up. There are times when I have cried and he has said “your good” as if I was acting, but certain raw emotion he opens up to – not sure why.

Anyway, from that day, which was about 4 months ago, he has been very different. He actually thanked me and said that it opened his eyes to a lot of things and that he asked God for forgiveness for having possibly misjudged “people” (of course not me specifically) and has forgiven those who have hurt him. In our argument I told him “this is why you have NOTHING”. How I meant it was that I felt if there is such a thing as Karma, and there is a God then why would he be rewarded in any way for hurting people who have only loved him? Of course he interpreted it his own way but either way he said it fuelled him to make some changes.

I saw the changes. He rarely if ever, looked at the phone and has focused more on his business. He still picked on everything, but I had become used to that so it didn’t bother me as much and I still just stay on top of what I know he likes and do what he asks. I remember to breathe and not “react” to certain things he says. While he says he hates when I react he does everything possible to push my buttons to get me to react but I know his game now. Sometimes I slip and he makes me pay for it, but most of the time he is here with me, working, studying, meditating, and I enjoy his company. My own issues make we worry that he will get bored of me so I make sure to keep myself looking “decent” and change up sexy outfits. I spend a lot of time asking him for more affection and he tells me that his mind is on his business and getting his life on track. Because he doesn’t talk specifically about a future with me the way he used to I sometimes feel insecure and to that he will say, who else am I doing this for? Where is it and who is it that I am with every day? And it’s true. I am often amazed at how much time he can spend with me and not get bored. When he goes out it is for a little while and if I don’t harass him he always opens up and tells me where he was and what he did which helps me with my trust. But if I push he backs away completely.
What I realize with him, there needs to be very little change. I have read that “N”’s get bored very quickly but my experience with him is not this way at all. However, if anything changes suddenly it tends to set him off and he starts having these irrational doubts about me.

I have started keeping track of when these things happen and most often it is when there is even the most subtle change in routine or my behaviour. For example, recently I have been bothering him about not showing me affection like he used to. He would often respond with “give me a chance” and that he didn’t grow up with affection so he can’t show it the way I expect it. To which I would respond that I didn’t grow up with it either and that I experienced it with him and know he is capable of it. Then I would back off realizing that it wasn’t very attractive to beg for affection and seeing how focused he was on improving the other areas of his life. Plus I realize that I am way too obsessed with being the centre of his world as I never was with my father, and his strictness and strength are actually very soothing to me and in my mind show me that he cares… as much as he may drive me crazy.

Anyway, if I have been complaining about anything, plus he notices the slightest changes he will often wake up in a bad mood, and suddenly make very odd “accusations”. It drives me nuts because whenever I react to him when he makes certain statements he says that if it wasn’t true I wouldn’t react. I am a woman – I REACT! That does not mean that I am guilty of anything PLUS I am not YOU. I don’t like being accused of things that I don’t do to which he always says, I didn’t accuse you of anything, I simply asked you a question but your reaction gives me the answer. It’s so infuriating! So I do my best to keep any changes to a minimum.

What fuelled me to write this stemmed from a recent situation in regards to the above. As I mentioned I was feeling a bit neglected of physical attention and I know I was going overboard because he does initiate affection and is very good at taking care of me sexually even if we don’t have sex. However, at night, I often hold on to him in some way…..his finger, his boxers…some sort of contact. But having this fear (which is a bit obsessive on my part) about him getting bored of me, losing interest etc. I decided I wanted him to initiate contact with me in any way…..so I didn’t hold onto him in anyway.

The next morning, I didn’t say good morning first as soon as he got up first as I always do, I said it after and then pestered him about why I always have to be the one to initiate when before he always did and that he can’t even say good morning first. (childish I know but like I said I think my own issues are what enable me to stay in this kind of relationship). To which he said “are you really going to bother me first thing in the morning for not saying good morning first?” Yes I was being a pain but that isn’t my point. I saw him shift and I spend enough time with him to know what certain things mean, and I know he was piecing together the fact that I was complaining about something he wasn’t doing “right” and the fact that I didn’t hold onto him at night and didn’t say good morning as usual. I had been doing that religiously for the last few months when I realized how much calmer things were when I was consistent. Then I took a shower at a time that I don’t normally….I did it because I wanted to look good for him and do my hair just to keep him interested. While in the shower with the best intentions something in my gut told me this would throw him off. I did my makeup, and hair, going a little extra and when he looked at me as he was ready to go out, I saw that shift in his demeanour again – it isn’t good. But he left and seemed fine and I did what I had to do and made sure I looked “pretty” for when he got back (while I am grateful that we don’t have children at this point I know that all this focus on trivial things would not occur if we were running after our children – we have way too much time on our hands!).

I heard the key in the door and was about to say “hello” but didn’t get a chance because the first thing that came out of his mouth was “why are my shoes not how I left them”. I left my shoes a specific way and they have been moved, why have they been moved?” My heart sank because I was not expecting this and it had been quite some time since he complained about something like this. Quickly I got defensive (I was able to ignore or not react to his pickiness and constant complaints about other things but when he complained about things like this it hit a nerve and I felt like we had taken a million steps back). I told him, I live here too and if your shoes are in an area where I walk or the cats walk, or by the closet where things are that I access every day there is a good chance that his shoes are going to shift ever so slightly! He then said, so you are telling me my shoes moved because you were sweeping? If you were sweeping then why are the still crumbs over here? To which I responded that I never said that was why his shoes “shifted” (total twighlight zone moment which I should be used to)…I simply said that there are many reasons why his shoes may have moved and that I have accidentally moved those specific shoes many times before and he never had anything to say about it so why today. I asked what the “real” issue was but I had learned from him in the past that it’s not really about the shoes. I asked him why he thought the shoes were moved and he said what he thinks has nothing to do with it, that he simply asked me a question. Yes he did but he did so with aggression and some other agenda that I am never able to figure out completely. I was so disappointed that we were going through this again, of course he didn’t like my tone and started packing up his suitcase. I went to beg and plead as I usually do but stopped myself, and when he sensed that he made sure to take things that showed he would not be back for a while….like his laptop. He made sure to look around the bedroom as if something had been up while he was gone – God how I hate that look and then I lost it and started with my begging and pleading which I swore I wouldn’t do again. Then I proceed to run after him, he tells me to go back or he will embarrass me sometimes I listen and sometimes I don’t….sometimes he would actually come back and sometimes, especially recently because he says I wouldn’t keep running my mouth if he didn’t give in, he just goes. This is what happened again – I didn’t run after him I actually walked quietly but I noticed he turned around to see if I was behind him….I know he keeps in mind that I told him when I no longer care I won’t run after him anymore. That was the wee hours of Sept 19th. It is now the wee hours of Sept 22nd and he still has not come back. All his things are here and he only took a jacket and his laptop in his suitcase so I know he will be back but I have a lot of questions as I am running out of energy with all these ups and downs especially when they make no sense to me.

I really would like some advice on how best to deal with these situations. I know many will think I am crazy for staying but there is so much about this man that I love whether its dysfunctional to do so or not it just is what it is right now.

• I can cater to all his crazy requests and I can now do so with a smile and not focus on why he seems to “pick” on me. He tells me he is like that with everyone. That if people don’t like it they don’t have to be around him but that he won’t change for anyone. So I respect the fact that he likes things a certain way and I make sure I do it.

• I boost his ego regularly and genuinely. I truly admire so many of his traits so what I say to him comes from the heart. I even made a list of all the things I love about him, and made it seem like I was hiding it (but know he saw where I put it). I have seen him make some pretty great accomplishment that make me feel so proud of him and I let him know.

• What I have a hard time dealing with are all his doubts. I don’t know why they continue to be an issue as I can’t possibly think of what else I can do to prove to him that I am trustworthy. I would love to know how to best deal with this as it is the largest thorn in my side right now.

• I would love to know how best to deal with him when he comes home after having left when he is upset with me for some reason. My neediness seems to push him away, yet if it isn’t there, he starts to doubt me.

• What are other “N”’s opinions on how I am doing as far as providing a good “supply”? Am I slipping anywhere from what you have read and if so what would improve it or how should I change?

• I know most men do not like to be disrespected and showing respect is a huge way to show love to a man so I understand why he is putting his foot down and leaving when I respond disrespectfully even when he makes me mad. And considering he told me that was the only “problem” he has with me…that I should not worry about if I am still attractive to him but focus more on fixing “my mouth” issue as that’s his only problem with me. I would like to know how exactly this type of behaviour effects an “N”.

• I just would like to know what I can do to better to keep providing him with the supply he needs so he does not need to look elsewhere and keep my sanity as well which I already know is questionable. I am quite dedicated to working on this but I don’t want to be hurting all the time. How do I deal with these insecurities that have come up over and over?

• I have made a lot of changes in my life that I don’t like. Isolating myself from my family more (not that we were ever super close) is one of them because I fear the backlash. He says he isn’t ready to know them yet, so it’s just this big unknown to him. Yet he never asks about them, and when I ask why he says he doesn’t expect me to ask about his family. My father had colon cancer and he never once asked about him and actually gave me the third degree when I went to see him in the hospital. There was also a night when I had to take my grandmother to the hospital and because my parents were away I was the only one that could be there with her. I ended up having to stay with her until 3 am because there were no rooms for her until then. I called him constantly but he never answered. I even record my conversations with my grandmother on his voicemail so he wouldn’t have doubts, but he didn’t care to listen to it and still accused me of not being where I said I was! In general I am always rushing when it comes to seeing my family. Can this ever change with a “N”?

• Ok so he just came home and I ignored him as I am writing this. He went into the kitchen, wasn’t aggressive although I didn’t actually see him I know he was calm. But I just stayed here and continued to write. Then he left again. I fought my urge to chase after him which was hard. Its 4 am and he doesn’t drive. I don’t know if I am supposed to show him I care and run after him or play calm and cool which tends to get him to open up more to me. This is where I feel so lost. I don’t want him to think I don’t care but I also want to keep myself sane and energetic so I can last this ride of a relationship. What should I do in these situations? Why would he come and then just leave again? Is it a test? How do I pass it? Now I feel scared I did the wrong thing by not running after him?

• What is the obsession about me cheating on him and his stuff being touched? Does anyone have a clue?

Thank you to anyone who has got this far! I know it is quite apparent I have issues myself but I truly love this man and want to make things work. I am used to and comfortable with sacrifice but i would like to have as happy an existence as possible and would welcome any advice from "n"'s and non's....
I have never shared this story with anyone before so please forgive the length and rambling!

Wow Bubble Fizz, you sure worked the fingers there, thanks for sharing with us. Ramble away. I guess you both are very needy on one another?

[Bubble_Fizz]

Thank you Dylan! Yes I actually took advantage of the silent treatment I am being given and spent the day writing that! I know its a lot! It made me see a lot of issues I have - funny I thought I was feeling stronger after I wrote it, but if you notice I cut it off abruptly at the end as soon as he came home. I am now feeling like a pathetic little girl again, scared that he won't come back or that I have no more value to him. Ughhhh. Well, at least I found the first place I have ever shared my story. I truly didn't understand what was wrong with him/us until I got desperate after he recently walked away when I made him angry........I was at such a low and just typed "how to respond to the silent treatment"....and all this info about NPD came up. When I read the characteristics, I realized so many of them fit him even though he is not "officially" NPD.

Thanks so much for responding!

[Bubble_Fizz]

Would it help if I re-posted this with spaces so it doesn't look so overwhelming? I am afraid people will not want to read this because of its length already, never mind that everything is all squished together. The original text had spaces but when I pasted it here they were taken out for some reason. I don't want to miss out on any opportunity to get some advice/help/feedback as I really need it.

[Bubble_Fizz]

What I would love to know is ways/things I can do to ensure I am always his primary supply? I know that sounds pathetic, and maybe one day I will realize that none of this is worth it, but this is where I am now.

Also, I realize from situations that have come up and his reactions to them that he used to respond best when I wasn't so emotional and needy. By responding best for me that means he showed affection, did things that made me feel loved apart from the other ways he regularly showed me. Is that the magic behind keeping them on "their toes" where they know you have an endless supply for them, but yet they are fearful enough of losing you that they continue to do "special" things for you like they did in the initial phase of the relationship? Is this even possible and if so how do I need to carry myself for that to happen?

I feel confused about that because despite him saying he hates when I am extra needy, chasing after him etc. Doesn't that fuel him as well? If I stop, won't he just think I don't care? I truly hate feeling out of control and desperate with him so if I knew that being loving yet not over the top and desperate with him would get him to respond more "lovingly" then that would be the perfect solution in eyes. I would have some relief emotionally, feel like I had a bit more control and he would still get a never ending supply. Just wonder if this is even a possibility.

[BDPpartner]

Bubble Fizz perhaps you should try seeing a someone to help you understand and weather this stormy relationship, if you can't be honest with him as to your reasons for seeking support you could use your 'mouth' as the motive for going. My other half is bpd so i'm not completely up on n's but from reading your story the impression I get is that you tying yourself in knots to please him is only making things worse. It's easier said than done but you please try to be yourself. Remember for any relationship to work it needs to be a 50/50 balance, everything catering to one person will throw off that balance and creates the roller coaster ride that you find yourself on. And please for yourself and your partners sake have a full health check. Please look after yourself you are the only you in the whole world and that makes you special

[Thorn Bird]

I too have written a novel about my partner - I had no idea about personality disorders at that stage - I just knew what was happening to me the mood changes, the rages, the belittling and putting me down, the blame - always my fault - the discarding, the hoovering. My partner can be lovely and is so intelligent but when going through the 'cycle of abuse' it is the worst. Like you I still love my partner despite being advised over and over again to leave him. Sometimes I do feel I just cannot cope but unless he discards me finally I just don't think I could leave him inspite of it all I love him very much but so wish he would go to therapy! Thinking of you

[IndieVisible]

Sorry, lost my interest about 5 minutes in to it, but welcome to the forum. I also have ADHD

But will try to offer my support or and advice whenever I can.

Bubble Fizz, first, I'm terribly sorry for what you're going thru. I actually had to read this in pieces but that is not a criticism at all. I just didn't want to miss anything that was pertinent and the fact is, a lot of your story reminds me of mine, in the way 'D' treats you; especially the resonance of knowing when things have 'shifted', when you do something different etc. Sometimes I can tell just by a situation changing.
How do you get passed it? Not sure. What to do when he comes home and leaves again? I think you did the right thing. There will be a time where you feel like nothing you do is 'right'...because they are hardwired to play the most destructive game of chess ever and you'll never 'guess' right.
My BF (probably ex by now) is BPD but he has a lot of the tendencies of NPD and trust me, you'll never guess right all the time or even the majority of the time. If you did, that would mean to him, he wasn't doing something right, it's frightening to him and the whole thing starts again. So what do you do, then, if you insist on staying with him?
I suggest getting therapy of your own (you sound a lot like me and I'm BPD with dependancy issues and BPll to the mix...I'm a smorgasboard and between BP cycles and rapid cycling of BPD I'm a mess most of the time). With mine, I finally had to accept he is toxic to me. I still love him. Am in love with him. Constantly find myself crying out 'I wouldn't do that to him!" or worse "I would do anything for him, anything...why can't he see that??" and now I have had to realize, that although if I devoted every waking minute (in your case, evidently, even the sleeping ones) to him, I will NEVER be what he wants, because he doesn't even know what he wants.
For that, he needs therapy and mine refuses. I'm going, because we share similar issues, but because of his issues, and the fact I can't do it anymore, no matter how much I love him, I have to let go.
I'm not telling you to...honestly, I so know how you feel I actually hope you can make it. But the only way you can is to get help for yourself. You're no good to him unless you learn ways to constructively deal with him and that's the difference between ducking, and calmly walking out of range.
Take care of yourself Fizz....I can tell how much you love him. But take care of yourself first, please...it's the only constructive advise I can give.

[NuckingFutz]

Wow, you really put everything out there.

Sounds like you and he have a lot of issues to deal with.

I do have some feedback, but can't give advise. Sounds like a therapist is in order to untangle all of what is going on. It must be hard to have all of this on your heart and in your head.

Sending you cyber hugs....