[AllNamesTaken]

Hi all

I must admit I am tired and feeling somewhat exhausted and apologies in advance for the length of this. Not down to my problems....but in pain for my wife. Some history.

When she was a child (around 8) her father had a heavy breakdown following the death of his father, spending months in bed. She was sent, with her toddler sister, to her grandmothers as her mother wanted to protect her from what was happening. She still recalls him wailing and sobbing. The rest of her childhood was not terribly balanced. Her father managed with good days and bad days, but wasn't there as a father figure or role model. Her mother was quite consumed with her husband and had little time for my wife. The was also a very critical attitude around the house. They didn't give praise for the 9 things done right but heaped out criticism for the 1 thing done wrong. It was also a house of forthright, often very different opinions - an attitude that is now stamped firmly into my wife and her sister.

Move forward several decades. We had a daughter in 2001 and my wife chose to take a 4 year break from work to give her a good start before school. It is clear to me now that this was a deliberate opposite stance to the way she was raised and she was determined to treat our daughter differently.

The years pass and as she approaches her late 30s she starts displaying feelings of loss for things that are not there or have never been. This is initially an increasing desire for a second child, but then a want to have the openly loving, supporting parents that she never had.

Over the next few years she suffers several miscarriages. One particular nasty episode resulted in a hospital stay which was somewhat traumatic. Her mother dealt with this by dropping in on us with some friends a few days later, only because they were en route to the local airport for a vacation.

As her 40 birthday came and went, the depression is getting worse. She continues to pine for a parental relationship that is not there. She has become desperate for another child, but has decided that her life is over and is reflecting on missed chances and opportunities

Where do I fit in to this? I recently read a good story that uses the analogy of a husband trying to help his wife climb up from a depression pit. He throws down a ladder. She throws it back saying "It won't work". He throws down a rope - it too is returned. He tries a shovel, a bucket.....whatever he sees as helping is thrown back as 'useless'. That is where we are.

I am not trying to fix her, but coach her into doing positive things. Accept what you cannot change and change what you can. However every word that leaves my mouth is deemed as rubbish. She has lost all respect for me, disagrees with everything I say and started to accuse me of all sort of irrational things. She is crippled by self doubt but will not drop her defences to allow help.

She is seeing a therapist for 1 hour each week. They talk about her mother. Never about her family unit, or grieving for the miscarriages. They just rake up the old news that is the mother.

I really have run out ideas and emotional energy. I am running the house, paying the bills, cooking every meal, helping my daughter with her homework.....and being the punchbag. She speaks to me in a really nasty way without thought or concern. I have gotten angry, shouted a few times but I am human too and this is a really tough situation. I understand depression - I have worn that T-shirt myself, but learnt to help myself like my life again. My wife has hated hers for years.

Answers on a postcard please.......

[gayleggg]

I wish I had a good solution for you. Your wife needs to see a psychiatrist probably for medication management to bring her out of this depression, but I'm sure that has been suggested and refused. Would she be willing to go to marriage counseling? I know that you are concerned with your wife's depression but at some point you have to take care of yourself. Maybe you should consider counseling yourself, to see what direction you should take next. Best wishes.

[dacarson]

Sorry to hear things are so tough. I have many parallels with your story in my life, including the therapy that just seems to reinforce... the yelling/punchbag thing... and the pining for what will never be. I call it "the loss of what will never be"... it seems to afflict so many at some point in our lives.

I am also battling my wife's demons that push away any and all coaching and encouragement. It is not easy seeing someone suffer because of their own beliefs.

The one thing I would say is, find something for yourself. Some activity that is yours, that you can run yourself. I write essays and paint, when I need a break. I don't show them to others, because they are really my therapy. I have also recently cleaned out my wood shop which was neglected because of caring for my wife. It helps to work with my hands again. Shuts off the mind that gets stuck in other people's problems.

Well good luck to you.

Stay strong.

The hostility suggests a need for more than therapy--some psychiatric care. You may need to force that issue.

I can relate to the punching bag feelings and the exhaustion of picking up everything she doesn't want to do or can't do (hard to know which is which). Things that help me are counseling just for me, NAMI support group and the Family to Family class, and trying to carve out time to do something other than argue or worry. And the grace of God.

I have a long way to go.

[Izefather]

I can relate to your post 100%. Sadly, I have no advice to offer as I am trying to work out the same very issues as you, but have only come to terms with these things in the past week. I'm just basically trying to keep it all together as well, so just know, you're not alone in this scenario.