[mabentley]

Hello, I am a non-BPD person who is married to a person who I strongly suspect has BPD. I consulted a psychologist who thought she had BPD. I haven't had access to my wife's psychologist, despite several requests to see her. Excuse was "you want to prove yourself to her"

I have now left home after a recent bout of intense anger from my wife. These episodes have been frequent and used to include name-calling and emotional abuse, although she has largely ceased those when I told her I would no longer tolerate them.

Invalidation of my feelings, her sudden rage, our inability to have a discussion, her complete inability to accept criticism, continued. Criticism to her means that I don't want her and am trying to find ways to split from her, when all I am doing is making a criticism that is meant to be constructive.

Our most recent argument was last week. We were on vacation with my family. It was a stressful atmosphere because I had mentioned a week or so b4, and not for the first time, that I was unable to cope and was considering leaving her if things didn't improve. Her rage became such on the holiday that my family and I left the apartment (where her mother was also staying) in the middle of the night. As well as angry and insulting, she was hysterical, crying for extended periods.

I cut the holiday short to return home. She followed and said she was having terrible thoughts that I would call the police or s.o. to take her away, or change the locks on the doors. I moved out before she got back.

My wife has also made suicide attempts, which I suspect were cries for help more than serious attempts. The last one, to my knowledge, was more than 2 years ago. She has also threatened to cut herself with a knife and threatened damage to my property and career (the latter 2 are very recently after I said I was seriously considering leaving.)

I have mentioned that I think she has BPD. She tells me her psychologist and psychiatrist agree with her that I am the one that is ill and that I need help. Her problem, she says, has been diagnosed as stress related to our recently moving cities and our marital issues.

I need help, firstly for myself and secondly to try to get her more help. I still love her and want her to be rid of this problem, which she says is actually caused by me. If it's not BPD, then I'm not sure what else this can be.

Thank you

[bataviabard]

Brother, you are not alone. This weekend marks the three month "anniversary" when my wife went nuclear. In 15 minutes I went from watching TV on the couch to telling a police officer who asked me if I wanted to have her arrested, "No, she's ill not criminal" as I left the house.My wife of six years (this is the 4th separation of varying lengths in 12 years of knowing her). She had told me she has bi-polar, PTSD, self harming and a eating disorder. She's never mentioned BPD. Her meds changed several times in the last five years and with each med changed she seemed to get "sicker" from my perspective. She grew angrier, more moody and more distant..More argumentative. Her sleep patterns changed. Only once before The Event (April 2013) and once afterwards did I sit with her and her T. Her T did not mention BPD. All I heard from my wife was resentment, blaming me for "everything" accusing me of being judgmental etc... Stories and situations she twisted around inaccurately and all making me look like a jerk. She has become like a stranger to me. To see where I was at fault in all of this, I started to read more about MI and saw this list of symptoms for BPD, which I have mailed to her T in the hope that her T can help her. (Let's face it -- even with a year and a half of therapy, once a week for an hour, in just one long weekend with my wife, I have spent more time with her than her T. And who knows just how honest she has been with her T?). I ain't a doc... but I have seen 20 out of 22 of these things in my wife over the years-- BPD

1. Self-injurious behavior
2. extreme need for affirmation
3. suicidal ideation (thoughts)
4. aggressiveness
5. poor thinking
6. emotional instability
7. switchable moods
8. roller-coaster moods or behaviors
9. difficulty with stable relationships (stormy relationships)
10. extreme reactions (positive or negative)
11. risky behavior
12. rage or excessive anger
13. sensitivity
14. over-reactivity
15. lability
16. recklessness,
17. difficulty with rejection
18. skewed perceptions
19. poor sense of self
20. paranoia
21. trouble regulating emotions
22. irrationality

I wish you well.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by bataviabard

Brother, you are not alone. This weekend marks the three month "anniversary" when my wife went nuclear. In 15 minutes I went from watching TV on the couch to telling a police officer who asked me if I wanted to have her arrested, "No, she's ill not criminal" as I left the house.My wife of six years (this is the 4th separation of varying lengths in 12 years of knowing her). She had told me she has bi-polar, PTSD, self harming and a eating disorder. She's never mentioned BPD. Her meds changed several times in the last five years and with each med changed she seemed to get "sicker" from my perspective. She grew angrier, more moody and more distant..More argumentative. Her sleep patterns changed. Only once before The Event (April 2013) and once afterwards did I sit with her and her T. Her T did not mention BPD. All I heard from my wife was resentment, blaming me for "everything" accusing me of being judgmental etc... Stories and situations she twisted around inaccurately and all making me look like a jerk. She has become like a stranger to me. To see where I was at fault in all of this, I started to read more about MI and saw this list of symptoms for BPD, which I have mailed to her T in the hope that her T can help her. (Let's face it -- even with a year and a half of therapy, once a week for an hour, in just one long weekend with my wife, I have spent more time with her than her T. And who knows just how honest she has been with her T?). I ain't a doc... but I have seen 20 out of 22 of these things in my wife over the years-- BPD

1. Self-injurious behavior
2. extreme need for affirmation
3. suicidal ideation (thoughts)
4. aggressiveness
5. poor thinking
6. emotional instability
7. switchable moods
8. roller-coaster moods or behaviors
9. difficulty with stable relationships (stormy relationships)
10. extreme reactions (positive or negative)
11. risky behavior
12. rage or excessive anger
13. sensitivity
14. over-reactivity
15. lability
16. recklessness,
17. difficulty with rejection
18. skewed perceptions
19. poor sense of self
20. paranoia
21. trouble regulating emotions
22. irrationality

I wish you well.

She sounds very like my partner and when I look at that list above it really magnifies the things we put up with I am not certain what PD my partner has I wish I knew for sure but I think it is a mixture and certainly I have experienced all the above traits. I don't blame you for leaving - I wish I was strong enough. I can't help loving him but sometimes I don't even know why!

[mabentley]

Thanks guys. Can't believe it's so tough processing what's been going on the past few days. My wife matches almost all the stuff on that list too.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching since leaving her a week ago. But it's too easy to say that it's a mental illness and therefore ignore the verbal attacks, which I've had plenty. I guess I'm just too sensitive for that.

Challenging her has worked to a certain degree -- at least she eased off on the name-calling for fear of losing me when I told her I couldn't handle it anymore. The trouble is, from what I've read, the BPD person is in great fear of abandonment and I may have perpetuated the problem in other ways.

Each criticism I made to her (my wife) felt like a threat to leave -- she totally overreacted and told me herself that I was criticizing her (which happened very seldom) in order to get rid of her. She'd then turn on me and tell me how inadequate I was in various ways.

Found a link that explains apparently correct ways to treat your BPD relative. I realized I've failed to do a lot of these, and actually perpetuated her fears of abandonment, which obviously didn't help her to be stable.

I'm unable to post the link because my post count isn't high enough but it can be found on voices.yahoo and is entitled Six Effective Ways to Help a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder - Yahoo Voices

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by mabentley

It was a stressful atmosphere because I had mentioned a week or so b4, and not for the first time, that I was unable to cope and was considering leaving her if things didn't improve.

Were those your words? BPD or not, she is in therapy. That's a positive thing, to all of this.

When you say, that you are unable to cope, do you express which needs that you find aren't being met for you, with explanations of what needs to happen for your needs to be met? (that is actually boundary setting--boundaries aren't about 'rules', they are about being able to articulate, what it will take for you to remain satisfied in the marriage/relationship)

When you mentioned, if things, don't improve; did you express, specifically, what needs to be improved with a how-to list of what was lacking in the marriage?

Because, if not, it's so open-ended, and vague. And of course, BPD or not, she'd cry for hours, confused and hopeless.

[Thorn Bird]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Were those your words? BPD or not, she is in therapy. That's a positive thing, to all of this.

When you say, that you are unable to cope, do you express which needs that you find aren't being met for you, with explanations of what needs to happen for your needs to be met? (that is actually boundary setting--boundaries aren't about 'rules', they are about being able to articulate, what it will take for you to remain satisfied in the marriage/relationship)

When you mentioned, if things, don't improve; did you express, specifically, what needs to be improved with a how-to list of what was lacking in the marriage?

Because, if not, it's so open-ended, and vague. And of course, BPD or not, she'd cry for hours, confused and hopeless.

Yes I agree with this - the good thing is she is in therapy - you do need to be less vague about what you want from your marriage and be clear with this to her.