[LMo]

I thought things were better, but obviously I was wrong

He has class in 1/2 hour, including a test, and he will not get out of bed. He's angry, defensive, and clearly not feeling good about himself.

I don't know what to do -- I have to leave for work. I made him breakfast, rubbed his back, pleaded, threatened, begged, and finally left messages for the ADD coach and our T.

He's sabotaging himself again. I don't know why it gets like this with him and school. He's not like this for work

[LMo]

I don't know what to do

I just paid more than $6k for this term alone. It's all down the toilet if he buries his head in the sand when things get tough.

And he if he can't deal with school right now, there is no way he'll get it together enough to look for a job

Do you see?? This isn't just his problem -- it's OUR problem. I don't want to micromanage him but I just don't know what else to do to protect myself

[Christina86]

((((((LMo))))))))

Wish I knew what to say that could help but I'm out of ideas. Perhaps it's just school that's really exacerbating his current mindset and mood? (School does it to me)

Take care of yourself and I hope he's feeling better (and functionning more) later.

Edit: Just saw the other post you made while I was posting this - I'm really sorry that this is both of your problems to share. It isn't fair to you - not at all. I'm guessing he's been told the amount of time and effort you're putting into this? It might not be a nice discussion, but I think he needs to know how all of this affects you.

I do mean it - Take care of YOU.

[LMo]

thanks Canders. We always thought it was his engineering program that sent him spiraling, because engineering is really hard. Now it really IS looking like ADD -- he's taking freshman classes in ART for crying out loud, and you'd think it was the end of the world. Mind you, he is an absolute genius -- far smarter than I am, and I'd even go so far to say that he's far better educated than I am, even though I'm close to finishing my MBA. He just doesn't seem to learn well in a classroom, which would be fine if he would be persistent enough to seek help, but instead he flounders, alone, and isolates

Now I'm going to be late for work too -- I need to just leave him and go. @#$%*#@&%$@#

[LMo]

Sorry for the cross-posting. I have no idea where this belongs. Here is the most recent history:
(ADD) med change

[Perna]

I don't think you can micromanage him, obviously he's going to do what he chooses to do. I wouldn't do anything for him that he should do for himself; he's a grown man and has therapists, coaches, etc. and has to want to work with them and help himself. Yes, if he doesn't help himself it hurts you too because you care but you can't "do" anything about that except grieve. I wouldn't put forth any more money/energy until he earns some respect from you through his efforts to get better and I'd do a little thinking about "steps" you want to see. Looks to me like he may be paying you back for leaving him and going on the business trip? That sort of behavior has to stop in a grown man? You still love him and "support" him in struggling with his depression but you can't struggle for him is the difference. It is his problem in the end. Protect yourself in the future by not "investing" yourself and money any further, treat him like you would a good friend in the same situation; you wouldn't house and feed and pay for schooling for a friend at your own expense. . . Treat him like the therapist/coaches but with a little more love. Back rubs are great but not dragging him to the shower, etc. You can't live his life for him.

[LMo]

Hi Perna - thanks for your post. I don't think he was resentful about me leaving for my trip -- he's always been really good about that, and he also enjoys time alone. And as one of my RL friends pointed out last night, I had been alluding to worries about this even before I left.

Actually, I probably WOULD house/feed/school the friend. I think that's how I get myself into messes like this.

You're right about all of the rest. I don't know how to stop having this affect me.

OOhhh - coach is calling now

I answered you in ADD Forum.

Keep us updated in each Forum...

[Rhapsody]

If I may ask............... What has made (left) your husband feeling as though he will fail if he tries to achieve something of importance? - meaning from his wounded past - as a child trying to grow up.

and - IF it HELPS any - please know that a lot of MEN hate to fail, so if they feel even an ounce of fear that they might not succeed then they will give up before they reach the point of make it or break it.

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[LMo]

Thanks Rhap... I don't know -- he never starts out feeling self-defeating. It takes him a LONG time to committing to start something, because he always wants to be sure he can succeed before he even tries -- he is NOT a risk-taker. But once he has decided to do something, he doesn't expect to fail. But what he DOES do is procrastinate, big-time, if he finds something to be difficult or boring. And the more he procrastinates, the more he feels overwhelmed, and his coping skills in that area are very poor.

You're right that fear just stops him in his tracks. I feel awful for him -- it can't be easy to go through life like that -- but at the same time, I really NEED him to learn how to deal with it. I can't deal with the stress of worrying about him crumbling. It's too much for me

Big virtual hug.

[Perna]

I've been that way; even after I "got it" that I had to want schooling/to learn for myself, not "outside" reasons or people, I still would not study for the final exams or otherwise try and blow it. Fortunately I get A's throughout courses now so the final doesn't blow it for me while I work on that particular problem but I've been working on the schooling thing since 1991. It takes time! That's the biggest thing I've learned, just making a decision to do better or whatever doesn't do it, there's the sloughing through the mud part of day-to-day work and setbacks (I still don't read my textbooks and "study"). The second best thing I've learned is that I have to "care" for myself, make the course I'm taking "mine" whether I initially wanted to take it or it's just a requirement that I'm forced to take. I have to find something to interest me personally or some "challenge"/game to play with it so it fits into my life.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
LMo said:
But once he has decided to do something, he doesn't expect to fail.
But what he DOES do is procrastinate, big-time, if he finds something to be difficult or boring. And the more he procrastinates, the more he feels overwhelmed, and his coping skills in that area are very poor.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

IMO - the procrastination is not the problem, but rather a symptom....... coming from (possibly) the fear of failing.
For some reason men seem to carry this feeling around inside them.... and it runs deep, real deep.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You're right that fear just stops him in his tracks. I feel awful for him -- it can't be easy to go through life like that -- but at the same time, I really NEED him to learn how to deal with it. I can't deal with the stress of worrying about him crumbling. It's too much for me

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I understand and I feel for your inner struggle.... the best advice that I can give is to be there for him with encouragement and that it that it will take time, even if he is working on it diligently (and) I say this for I have gone thru a mighty rough battle with my own husband and it stressed me out beyond that of mere words.

Hang in there... and keep on coming back here to release all the inner frustration so that you may continue to love & support the man that your heart holds so dearly onto.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

Agnes, Ethelmom here. i just found this thread. i am so sorry that you are going through so much stress right now. i had no idea......

i don't believe that you can motivate another person who has their heels dug in and especially an adult. motivation comes from within us, as does our fears. fear of failure feeds itself. big time.

i agree that i wouldn't pay for any more schooling. if he was taking one class at a cost of a few hundred, that would be one thing. but $6k would buy a car.

what does he like to do more than anything in the entire world? could anything branch off from something that he loves? some little something?

you're spending a lot of energy and creating an awful lot of stress for yourself trying to pull him around so that he can achieve. maybe if you just lowered your expectations, temporarily, and went on with your life, he might decide to try something different.

heck, woman, i wish i could wave a magic ethelmom wand and help you........love, EM

[LMo]

Thanks to each and every one of you. I'm running out the door, late for work, but promise to type an update tonight or tomorrow. He's doing a lot better, thanks to a new pdoc. I think we caught this one in time before he was at the point of difficult return.

See you tonight or tomorrow, I promise. Thanks for all of your kind posts and PMs for me

sweetheart agnes, how are things? ethelmom

[LMo]

Hi Ethelmom - thanks so much for caring and sorry I didn't update this post. So ridiculous that after 4 years here with administrative responsibilities, I can never get my own post locations straightened out. Anyway, I posted updates yesterday and today, here

Thanks for caring, EM,
Love,
Agnes