[thespousehere]

Hi,

I've been sharing a bit of my husbands struggle here. He is getting better, thank goodness, but my wish to end our marriage is still in my thoughts. I still do not have faith that he will once and for all deal with his depression (and all the ups and downs that go along with it). I'm not sure who he really is. I know the signs of a depressive disorder untreated and I feel we have lived that way for most of our marriage. I fear the familiar feeling better and going off his meds again, blameing me, or stopping therapy and being his "own" doctor. I'm trying to be seperate from him, within the house, and not cruel, but I'm not about to say.... "hey, it's okay...." till I feel it could finally be okay. It's been a long road.

Anyway, after an episode of depression and the lifting, do other "caregivers" feel down, exhausted, unclear. I couldn't say what I feel is depression, I do not have the negative thoughts, but I do feel blahh, tired, a bit iritiable, and just unclear. It's like ok, now it's over, but dang, I need a vacation and a chance to clear my head. It's hard to get back to where you were.

I do think it might be just part of the whole marriage in a bad place thing but part of me just wants to rejoice that he's back , let him take care of me as he's asked to and get back to where we were and belive the promises. But then there's a part of me just wants to sleep it off and make decisions later. If I give an inch I'm afraid I will feel resentful for giving in once again...... because it always returns (at least it always has).

[(JD)]

Yes, that's normal after any upheaval. Have you gone for therapy for yourself? Even if divorce is in your future, working through your real feelings and desires with the help of a T will make it less ambivilent??? TC

[bbren]

wow! I just happened on your story and it could well be my own. I have been married to a man with depression/bipolar diagnosed and suppose to be on medication (on and off) for the past 11 years (wow- it was 1995) I can't believe it has been that long. I constantly go through what you are going through with being emotionally out of the marriage but physically here and responsible, guilt ridden and unable to just walk. My husband, as it sounds like your decides he is okay and stops his meds and falls back into depression and then mania, it can be a real roller coaster. I have in the past year and half moved into another bedroom and started trying to explain to him that I wanted to leave and that I was making a plan to do so. I Think for me this is the right thing to do, I can't say for you but I do think that when you are dealing with someone (at least my husband (not sure of yours) who is emotionally unstable you have to take steps and prepare them for the change if you want them to succeed and I do want him to go on and have a good life, but I also want to go on and have a life of my own. I like you, feel tired, worn down and would love to have someone say I will take care of everything and everything will be okay (again I don't know your husband) but my husband will say the words and try for a short while, a very short while and then go on his little mini mental vacation and all the responsibility plus is back on me. Anyway I rambled on and on and could go on for hours. I want out badly and if you are in a situation like mine I want you to get out be happy, live a full and wonderful life, we are not suppose to be anchored and drown by people who are not willing to help themselves. You probably think I'm a nut, well I probably am because I live this life but I wish you well and hope good things for you. good luck

[thespousehere]

I'd say we are both living an identical life.

[LMo]

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thespousehere said:
Anyway, after an episode of depression and the lifting, do other "caregivers" feel down, exhausted, unclear. I couldn't say what I feel is depression, I do not have the negative thoughts, but I do feel blahh, tired, a bit iritiable, and just unclear.

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YES YES YES!!! I had what was, for me, an enormous meltdown about 3 weeks after my husband first got onto medication after a 2 year bout of severe depression. And like you, I was surprised -- I thought I would be happy and relieved that he was "back", but instead I felt like all of the stress and pressure of the last 2 years had been held back, and that when I no longer needed to worry about him, the floodgates opened and I realized that I had not taken care of myself at all. Not that I didn't try -- I did (because the experts say you're supposed to) -- but so much focus on him him him every day left me very neglected in the process.

I hope that you can give it some time, and perhaps a little vacation on your own before you make any big decisions. I'm certain that you probably have a ton of resentment built up, and I wholeheartedly understand that resentment (because I feel it too), but if there is still a chance you can work through it, then I offer you my support in that area. If it's just too late, then I still offer you my support because I know that you've given it your all.

[thespousehere]

Thank you for your responce. I've adjusted to my melt down status and am pretty much back to me. I just felt so overwhelmed. I'm more clear on my direction but working on damage conrol for the time being.

I do not "hate" my husband in anyway, I just can't keep living a life that gets turned upside down once or twice a year (an usually at the worst times). I still feel he is doing some sort of "if you stay with me I'll ....." I've tried to tell him its not about me, it's about him being comfortable in what he has to do. If he isn't, as history has proven it'self, he will contiue to seek answers, not trust doctors, or me for that matter.

I've asked for a seperation of sorts, but he refuses to move out and I won't leave my son to be the buffer here. I'm trying to live with him in this house but every emotion he feels is in some way caused by me still. I've let go of alot of the anger, but I can't let go of me and what I feel I need, deserve and want or not want in my life.

I feel for him, truly, I do not wish this for him or us, but I can't seem to seperate myself from the episodes (I'm not sure how anyone can totally).