I need some help dealing with spouse

I was beginning to feel his depression was lifting and was glad for that. There were days his tone of voice seemed better, he was participating in day to day events better, and when I'd ask, he'd say he felt better. As you know, I've been shakey as to if I wanted my marriage to contiue. I decided a few weeks ago I did not want it to continue. I told him that. I made it clear that I wanted to seek divorce precedings. I had planned to wait till after the holidays, and now wish I had, but then again, is there a good time?

Anyway, our son was becoming irritated with him snoring on the couch every night after work, constantly just sitting with his lap top on the couch and frankly, he'd been discussing our problems with the kids making them both upset. Saying I won't forgive him for going off his medications. I asked him to please lay in the bedroom because of our son. He quickly told me I was making that up and that there was a 'real' reason he went off his meds....... because our marriage therapist told the therapist he saw a few times back in January or February that I was a borderline personality and that is why he went off his meds. He once again, figured he didn't need them, it was me not him. Needless to say, I saw red. I called the therapist who denied fully saying that and she didn't even recall any convresation with this other therapist. Four years ago when I filed for divorce a therapist hubby was seeing diagnoised me borderline by hearing his discription of me without even meeting me. Dh didn 't tell me right away, but kept working in the diagnositc criteria in things he'd say to me over the months of the divorce prededings (which never saw the inside of a court room due to his constant continuances). It really worked on my self-esteem. When dh told me, of course, I cancelled the divorce off thinking it was all me and i was the worst individual on the face of the earth. I spoke to no one, saw no one, just lived on Ativan for days. I spent the first few days in such an ugly place. I saw my therapist a few days later and she dismissed it and told me to go home and get well (I'd jsut been diagnoised with walking pneuemonia and ended up in bed for 2 weeks). She said I was sick and not thinking clearly. I spent months in therapy reliving every moment of my life. The final conclusion to that was that I am not borderline, but had issues with my own convictions and boundaries. I'd learned that I had no boundaries. So you can imagine I was furious when I felt better. Even had the diagnosis therapist recant. With that said I just kept thinking that I was being blamed once again. Even if I was...... does that mean (once again), I'm the source of his problems so you dont' need your meds, your fine, it's all me. That's been his usually pattern and reason for going off the meds only to crash again and go back on something. (my inability to clean to his liking early on, then PMS, then busy schedules with the kids, then work issues, then the borderline thing, then our daughter graduation). Every stressor in life is blamed for every episode.

He says his depression is situational......Early on before this latest event my therapist told me by the way he was talking he was setting up to do it again by most likely going off these meds also when he felt better and agreed that leaving, if I choose to do so was the right thing to do (and she'd never said it in 8 years of marriage therapy with both of us, but like me felt no matter what I did, he was not going to stop his cycle).

So, I have filed divorce papers, and told him so because I didnt want him opening the mail and being shocked. I thought it was the right thing to do. I dont' hate this man, I just want a life without the rollercoaster. I have no faith that he will stop the ride when he still feels someone else is to blame for the condition. I just keep thinking even if I was borderline, historionic, narcassistic, OCD, it doesn't matter, the depression is real (to what degree or BP2 we will probally never know because he won't stick with any diagnosis long enought to get good help). He just layed into me saying he wanted the house, wanted custody of our son and I was a "stupid fng crazy ******". He acted mad, but that was to be expected. I told him we had 2 kids and I was not going to fight with him but let the courts decide what was best. I told him that I was sorry, but I will not go down the road of trying to blame me anymore. He wants to sue the therapist for ruining his marriage.

Now he's gone over the edge. He begged me, clinging to my legs crying to stop the divorce, give him another chance, saying how sorry he was that he failed us, he's failed everyone, asking God to please take him now. I just held him and cried with him. He's skin and bones. It broke my heart. I kept telling him he'd be okay, he kept saying he'd never be okay. Our son came in the room and dh crawled to the couch and layed there asleep the rest of the day.

What am I to do here? I hurt seeing him like this, I feel like the walking wounded. I was in the grocery store earlier before the event feeling so sad, I wanted to cry but waited till I go done drove to the park and cried my eyes out then came home and he feel apart. I do not want to cancel the divorce, I dont' want to be blamed anymore, I'm not borderline and I refuse to ever allow him or anyone else for that matter to try to manipulate me like that ever again. I crashed when he said that before. I had listened to months of him telling me what I was doing, how I'd just screw up any other relationship I got in, how I was destroying our children's lives for months when I filed before. I actually believe the diagnosis when he first told me about it 4 years ago. I've done some serious soul searching and monitoring of my feelings ever sence. I know I'm not the cause of his depression and I'm not the cure either.

I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run, run as far as I can from him but I cant' let his man I've been married with this long fall apart. We can't go back in time, if he'd have told me he wanted to try going off the meds, let me in, maybe we wouldnt' have ended up here. If he would finally accept that he suffers from depression, and not given depression by me, we might not have ended up here. I'm so torn between my own convictions and his illness. I don't want my son to see his father fall apart, but I can't be the shield. He blames me that I'm trying to take his son away if he hears us laugh about something or I talk to my son, saying I never did that before. Yes, I did! My son and I have a great relationship. He blamed me years ago for the relationship or lack of one he had with our daughter who's now off in college. It's not me keeping them apart, it's his not putting in the effort or the irriatible anger he has that keeps them away from him.

I'm just so scared right now on how to help him without letting go of myself. He refuses to go to his parents, and I know they are very little support so I don't feel right forcing that issue. I just don't know how much longer I can be the "caregiver" here. I have to set my boundaries and not allow him to guilt me into staying anymore. I eventually get worn down only to become resentful when the chaos is over. I know I am not the kind of person who thrives on constant stress....... I do know that about myself after all these years. He's never been suicidal but I'm afraid to leave him. He's sick, I know that, but I don't hate him, I don't know how to help him without saying I'll cancel the divorce. That's what he wants, he wants another chance...... his pdoc asked me if I thought the meds were working a week or so ago. I said I thought so and if I told him I'd stay with him he'd be better. Even the pdoc told dh he could understand why I wanted to leave.

Part of me want to tell him I won't cancel the divorce but we can go through the motions and see where it goes. But, that would be lieing. How do I help this man, while saving myself?

TSH...
My heart completely gors out to you. I can't write much now b/c am just reading this from my cell phone, but I am feeling your pain... and you DH's. Your post reminds me so much of both of my marriages; I see myself in your indecision and feelings of being trapped, blamed, and manipulated; my DH in your DH's conduct and lack of internal understanding; my ex-husband in your guilt and justification; myself in your DH's pain at the divorce.

I wish there was something I caould do to help. I do think that given what you've written lately, that if you don't at least temporarily separate, you wil likely explode due to the stress of feelings of being manipulated and projected upon.

I hate the concept of divorce and I don't wish that pain on anyone, but you've done all you can and I don't see how this situation can get better if you cave into the guilt and stay. I hope that if you separate, that lots of soul-searching on both of your parts leads to a desire to make it work out, but I don't think it should be a forced result on principle.

I wish you the best. My thoughts are with you, your DH, and your kids

It's not going to be any easier for you than for him. So, if you want off the roller coaster, try to see his manipulative behavior as more of the roller coaster you don't want and "harden" your heart a little bit against his theatrics. Stop the he said/she said conversations, ignore his blaming by just agreeing with whatever he said ("It's your fault" -- just give an affirmative "grunt" -- so what? You want a divorce and that's your "fault" too) You're allowed to want what you want and it sounds like you want a less roller coaster life and that's "it" plain and simple. He's a grown man, has therapists, etc. His problems are his problems, you have your own to deal with?

For the spousehere

Thanks for really telling us everything, I learned a lot reading your post...you write about your lack of boundaries...I have the same thing and I think this is the single most stand out part of your post. When you write about feeling like the walking wounded, it's in reaction to him. Everything in the post is about him, nothing about your own illness or life before him or too much about your kids. How bout a boundary- one between you and him? When I think of boundaries, it is hard for me too. You are not to blame- you could be perfect and he would still find fault with you. The children would probably be happier with you focusing all on them, no? You have a lot of insight, why not channel that insight and see your codependence for what it is? Please write back thespousehere, update us, and again, write as well as you did here, tell us how you are feeling, more about YOU and not reactions to him.

Well,my first post and I am responding to you,who is in a situation that i amy have been in,at one time.I will keep it simple;i will not tell you that you sahould get a divorce;i will not tell you that you shouldnt get one either;whats important here is his recognition of the fact that he has a illness and that help is availabe;he can recover,whether he is with you or not;you have a responsibility to yourself for your well being and that of your child;I will not say that you shouldnt give him another oppurtunity to get hisself into a stable mode and deal with this illness;there is a saying from the so called"old school thought";tht is SHOW ME!!You can be for him and not be with him.I am a peer support specialist and I have bipolar 1 disorder,PTSD,anxiety and anti-social personality disorder and a few things wrong with my heart;i am a veteran and I am in a transitional program;live or die;tht is what it ultimately comes down too;have you heard of Richard Pryor?After he burned his b*** on fire,after he complained bakc and forth to Jim Brown:Jim brown said"Whatcha going to do?Thts the question that only he can answer.You have to look out for your interests as well as that of the child;those are your priorities and i will say:take care of self and child.

While I didn't quote you, to me, it sounds like he doesn't have depression but, another mood disorder. I am thinking Bi-Polar Disorder. One of the behaviors of Bi-Polar Disorder is, the patient 'projecting' their problems on to someone else, as their way of not taking responsibility for their behavior.

My fiance was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder in 1999 so, I know what it is like.

Well, 'projecting' can be a personality trait too, not necessarily a brain chemistry disorder. My ex-husband did that all the time and he didn't have any mental health issues.

Regardless, it's not fun.

i agree with LMo.........i lived with that also......first marriage........i just strongly feel that you need to do what works for you and your son.

your husband is a grown man and he knows about getting help. you can't go down with his ship..........xoxoxo pat